|
Frick
leaves the frame.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
Well,
there you have it folks! The National Guard is on its way.
But still, there's another chapter to this story which we
haven't yet covered. So let's go to our Eye in the Sky...
er, I mean, let's go there now...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: A CAMPGROUND - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing amidst a bunch of eco-hippies.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
Is
it irony or is it just the wacky truth, people? While tens
of thousands flee the peninsula, thousands more pour into
the area on the hour! Their mission?... To save the killer
mud-puppy! Why?... Let's ask them ourselves? You there!
(he
puts his hand on a passing hippy's shoulder)
Excuse
me, ummm, Dude. Can you please explain to our television
audience what exactly is going on here?
HIPPY
Well,
the Man is trying to exterminate the giant mud-puppy, ya
know? But the Man isn't giving the mud-puppy a chance, ya
know? And what if, like, what if like this mud-puppy's gotta
point, ya know? Like, what if its got something to say,
and what if there's something we can do? Like maybe... maybe
the Man doesn't gotta go and knock this mud-puppy off...
ya know?
TEN-POUND
CHIN
Yes
Dude, I see. But what do you and your people intend to do?
HIPPY
We'll
do what we can...
TEN-POUND
CHIN
There
you go, folks!... Anarchy in the Pacific Northwest!... An
enormous, murderous, vile salamander!... Hundreds of innocent
people... butchered! Slaughtered! Maimed!... And an entourage
of drugged-up fanatical eco-freaks... ready for violence!
Is this the End or is this the End? Stay tuned for --
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - DAY
He
turns the t.v. off.
CAL
Come
on. Let's go.
FERN
(standing
up, grabbing her bag)
Where?
CAL
You
said you wanted to know about Waka-waka-waka-wakesh, didntchya?
FERN
Yeah.
CAL
Well,
let's go then.
They
leave the trailer home.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
AN ARMY BASE - AFTERNOON
Sheriff
Frick is now Colonel Frick. He is dressed up in full National Guard
regalia. Green cargo trucks rush past in the b.g.
EMMET
Gee
Sheriff, I didn't know you were a Colonel also...
FRICK
Look,
never end a sentence with "also." If you want to end a sentence
with the idea of inclusion, use "too" instead. That's the
rule. "Too." With two Os.
EMMET
Oh...
okay. But who's gonna run the Sheriff's Department now that
you're a Colonel?
Frick
nods to the left.
EXT.
FRICK'S COP CAR - AFTERNOON
Three
RESERVES are loading Ted Nugent into the passenger seat. He is wearing
a full body cast with a badge pinned to the chest.
THE
NOOGE
Careful
now -- I say I say I say! Easy now! I say I say I say! Whooaa
baby!
EXT.
TWO SHOT: EMMET AND FRICK - AFTERNOON
FRICK
It'll
be a while before he plays the twelve string again. Lucky
for us though he's had a lot of experience working with
the Detroit police to keep kids off drugs. He'll be your
new Sheriff for the time being.
EMMET
Wow!
Imagine that! Alice Cooper as our new Sheriff...
FRICK
That's
not Alice Cooper you rock n' roll ignoramus! I would never
deputize a woman!
EMMET
Oh.
Well... I guess you don't need me around anymore. You've
got hundreds of flunkies now...
FRICK
(gazing
tenderly at Emmet)
Pshaw,
Deputy! You know... when a man gets to my age, he likes
things to be ordered. Regular. Secure... if you know what
I mean. A man likes to get up in the morning and see the
same face. A man attaches himself to others. A man forms
bonds...
EMMET
(blushing)
Gosh
Sheriff... I mean... Colonel...
FRICK
(continuing
monologue)
--
and it doesn't matter how trivial these bonds are... and
it doesn't matter how unhealthy these relationships are
either. Because the point is, well... to connect.
To connect with what you've got... with what you've been
given. Men bleed, Emmet. Men bleed...
EMMET
Can
I get you some crullers Colonel?
FRICK
Why
thank you Deputy. But do you know what I really want?
EMMET
I
think I'm starting to catch on...
FRICK
(suddenly
getting very aggressive)
Guns!
Tanks! Bazookas! Bombs! Mustard gas! Trucks! Give me trucks!
Trucks of men! Furious men! And Bombs! Give me! Give me!
GIVE ME!
FRICK'S
FACE
His
eyes are bulging, spittle forms on his lips. He breathes like a
fiend. Hold.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
HOH INDIAN RESERVATION - AFTERNOON
Cal
and Fern drive up in Fern's car and get out. Native American CHILDREN
are playing in the dirt. There are junk cars all over the place,
as well as plenty carvings of Sasquatch and Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
cut from tree trunks. In the b.g., there are old run-down buildings.
FERN
(looking
around)
Is
this where you grew up?
CAL
(no
enthusiasm whatsoever)
Yeah...
FERN
(looking
up at a totem pole)
Is
that Waka-waka-waka-wakesh?
EXT.
THE TOTEM POLE - AFTERNOON
At
the top, there's a carving of a mud-puppy head.
CAL
(O.S.)
(sarcastically)
No.
It's Donny Osmond. We were converted by the Mormons.
FERN
(O.S.)
(sarcastically)
Ha
ha ha.
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL - AFTERNOON
They
face each other. Tension.
CAL
Follow
me.
They
head toward one of the run-down buildings.
INT.
HOH ARCHIVES - AFTERNOON
Fern
and Cal enter the building and approach a skeletal OLD MAN. Cal
nods to the old man. The old man just stares straight ahead.
FERN
(very
congenial, offering her hand)
Hi.
I'm Fern Thoreau.
CAL
That's
Chief Winamookie. He's a mummy, dummy.
FERN
Oh.
Amazing work...
CAL
This
is our tribal archive. This is where we keep our history.
A lot of it was recorded on skins. Like that one.
He
points to a painting hanging on the wall.
INSERT
PAINTING
The
painting depicts Waka-waka-waka-wakesh surrounded by the people
of the clan. The people are all joining hands in order to form a
human chain. On the outside of this human chain, red devils on metallic
machines are trying to get to the mud-puppy. There are smokestacks
on the metallic machines. The machines roll on giant cogs.
CAL
(O.S.)
This
painting is over two centuries old. It remembers the story
of the red devils, and how they tried to get Waka-waka-waka-wakesh.
My ancestors, however, stood their ground. They did what
they could. The red devils couldn't break through.
FERN
(O.S.)
And
what about this one?
She
points to an ugly devil with a fat head in the corner. This devil
is cussing and spitting.
CAL
(O.S.)
That's
Kinamichee. Kinamichee had the sickness, he was their leader.
(a
pause)
He
is swearing to return one day. He is vowing to destroy Waka-waka-waka-wakesh.
It is said that his will... will succeed.
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL
FERN
Interesting.
CAL
And
look at this one.
He
points at another skin.
INSERT
PAINTING
In
this painting, Waka-waka-waka-wakesh is green with red dots. Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is puking up blue bile. A Sasquatch family, however, is at the mud-puppy's
side. They are bringing the mud-puppy some bundles of plants.
FERN
(O.S.)
What's
this supposed to mean?
CAL
(O.S.)
Whatta
ya mean what's this sposed to mean? It means what
it means.
FERN
(O.S.)
Just
spell it out for me. My imagination isn't quite as vast
as yours, Oh Great One.
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL
CAL
(exasperated)
Man,
I really hate you. Okay, here it is: everything dies. Okay?
That's the point. At the core of everything... death happens.
FERN
And
did Waka-waka-waka-wakesh die?
CAL
Not
yet.
FERN
So...
you're saying that this Waka-waka-waka-wakesh is the same
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh as the one out there? The one that
everyone is freaking out about?
CAL
Yes.
FERN
You
know Cal, that's not very likely. I mean, amphibians hibernate
for a season, and then they reemerge. But you're saying
that this mud-puppy has a hibernation period of... of centuries?
CAL
(with
boredom)
You
and your logical Science...
FERN
I
just don't believe it. I mean, these stories are wonderful.
Your history is fantastic. But they just don't make sense
in the real world.
(A
pause)
Anyway,
I guess that's what I'm trying to do... make sense of this
larval salamander for those who can't make sense of it...
CAL
It
can never make sense to you. You don't have the right to
try to make sense out of what we hold as important --
FERN
Don't
I live on this planet too!? Don't I have some valid beliefs?
Maybe you don't have the right to say I don't have the right!
CAL
(trying
to control his anger)
Look...
you wanted to know about Waka-waka-waka-wakesh. That's why
you're here. So what else do you want?
FERN
Are
these records arranged in chronological order?
CAL
(perturbed)
You
mean... are they linear?
FERN
Whatever.
CAL
They're
arranged by the ancestors who painted them.
FERN
(turning
back toward the first painting
they
looked at)
I
want to see more by this guy.
INSERT
PAINTING
Fern
is pointing at the red devil painting.
CAL
(O.S.)
Why?
FERN
(O.S.)
Cuz.
I have a feeling. And I never have a feeling.
CAL
(O.S.)
(not
very convinced)
Okay...
whatever you want princess...
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL - AFTERNOON
He
leads her over to a section of the room where there are hundreds
of hanging skins.
CAL
These
were all done by Snoqualmie the Old. He was a medicine man.
Some say he was part trickster... but I don't know. You
can go through them if you want.
FERN
(starting
to browse through them)
Thanks.
CAL
(crossing
his arms and settling back
against
a countertop)
Go
to town...
FERN
(leafing
through the skins)
Hey.
What's this one? And this one?
INSERT
PAINTING
It's
a painting of a mud-puppy, top and bottom. The organs are clearly
defined.
CAL
(O.S.)
Hell
if I know...
She
turns to the next one.
INSERT
PAINTING
This
painting shows another mud-puppy, top and bottom. The bone structure
is clearly defined in this one.
She
turns to the next one.
INSERT
PAINTING
This
painting shows another mud-puppy, top and bottom. There are arteries
and arrows running throughout the mud-puppy's body. Symbols have
been drawn all over the mud-puppy.
FERN
(O.S.)
(excited)
Wow!
These are maps! These are mud-puppy maps! Anatomical maps!
And look at this one! All the glands are marked! Glands!
CAL
(O.S.)
Oh
great...
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL
FERN
What
are these symbols? These symbols... it's like they're...
like they correspond to... Chromosomes? No! They are
chromosomes! Oh Wow! Cal, I need to take these! I gotta
examine these! I must take a closer look!
CAL
Well...
you'll probably end up with some sorta ancient curse or
something. But go ahead.
FERN
(packing
them up, unafraid)
If
that's all I have to worry about... that's fine with me!
JEAN-JACQUES
DUNGENESSE enters. Jean-Jacques is a big Hoh Indian (35 years old)
dressed in blue jeans and a lumberjack shirt. He and Cal clasp hands.
JEAN-JACQUES
Cal...
I figured you'd show up pretty soon
CAL
Yeah...
they've called out the National Guard. We've got work to
do Jean-Jacques.
Both
men turn toward Fern. They regard her.
JEAN-JACQUES
Is
she in?
CAL
I
dunno.
JEAN-JACQUES
Well,
figure it out. I'll go round up the guys.
Jean-Jacques
leaves.
FERN
What's
he talking about?... Am I in?
CAL
We
do what we can.
FERN
So
do I! What are you guys up to?
CAL
(after
regarding her for quite a long time)
I'm
a fool...
FERN
(smiling)
Yep!
That's right. So... am I in then?
CAL
Like
I've gotta choice...
FERN
Ha!
So what do I do?
CAL
Go
across the street to the store and get a dozen bottles of
corn syrup.
FERN
(skeptical)
Corn
syrup?
CAL
Just
do it.
He
turns his back on her and walks out of the Hoh Archives.
EXT.
THE HOH ARCHIVES - AFTERNOON
Cal
exits the building and joins Jean-Jacques, who is standing there
with nine Hoh MEN (all of them in their mid 30s). Each man has a
sack with him.
Fern
follows Cal out with some rolled up skins, and looks at the men.
The men are just as stoic as Cal has always been. They look at her
with empty gazes.
FERN
(sarcastically)
Oh
what a fun bunch. I can just tell... we are gonna have a
blast!
She
leaves the frame, off to go buy corn syrup. They watch her leave.
Jean-Jacques
looks at Cal and shakes his head in pity.
Cal
shrugs.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
A HIGHWAY - DUSK
Col.
Frick and some National Guard Officers are standing in front of
some orange barricades with binoculars and radios. Behind them,
there are a bunch of green army trucks, IDLING. SOLDIERS mill around.
OFFICER
DELTA
(speaking
into a radio)
Vector
4, quadrant B! Alpha Gamma Charlie! Vector! Vector!
FRICK
Mud-puppy
Vector!? Give me a Vector on that mud-puppy!
OFFICER
DELTA
(to
Frick)
Vector
4, quadrant C! Alpha Gamma Alpha Roger! F-3! Charlie!
FRICK
Good!
Secure quadrant C! Stop all incoming traffic! Bring in Extermination
Squad Cleveland 351! Position Hummers, ready air-support!
OFFICER
DELTA
(into
radio)
Vector
affirmative! Mud-puppy six degrees West of Charlie Alpha
Gamma Cleveland! Vector two point five quadrant C! Traffic
stopped all units on red alert, SIR!
FRICK
(rubbing
his palms together)
Excellent!
CUT
TO:
EXT./INT.
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF FERN'S CAR - DUSK
Fern
is driving and Cal is in the passenger seat. Jean-Jacques is in
the back seat.
CAL
CAL
Now
what?
FERN
It's
a roadblock.
CAL
(slinking
down lower in his seat)
I
can see that.
EXT.
FERN'S CAR - DUSK
She
stops the car. There's a SOLDIER standing in the road in front of
her, signaling for her to cut the engine. She cuts the engine.
The
soldier approaches Fern.
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DUSK
The
soldier leans down and speaks to Fern.
SOLDIER
Sorry
M'am. It's that pesky mud-puppy again. But don't worry,
the National Guard is here and we've got it surrounded.
This vector should be relatively secure.
FERN
(sarcastically)
Thank
God!
The
soldier's radio suddenly CRACKLES on.
RADIO
(V.O.)
Attention
Vector Charlie Alpha Gamma Six Niner! The enemy has broken
through Quadrant C, Vector Vector! Extermination Squad Cleveland
351 has been wiped out! I repeat... Wiped out! Enemy now
approaching Quadrant B --
SOLDIER
(terrified)
Cripes!
He
takes off running for the hills. Car horns start BLARING.
EXT.
FERN'S CAR, AND THE TWO CAMPERS BEHIND IT - DUSK
Cal
opens his door, gets out, and stretches. The door behind him opens
and Jean-Jacques also gets out. Then, all the doors in all three
vehicles open and the rest of the Hoh men get out. Fern gets out
too. They look in the direction they were driving when they were
forced to stop.
THEIR
POV
A caravan
of National Guard vehicles is coming their way.
CUT
TO:
EXT./INT.
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF LEAD VEHICLE - DUSK
Col.
Frick and Some Officers are driving toward Fern and Cal. They are
gritting their teeth and the truck is moving fast.
INT.
LEAD VEHICLE - DUSK
FRICK
We're
gonna get that sucker! It's gonna be sorry! It's gonna pay!
We'll smear it from here to Timbucktoo! It's going down!
OFFICER
DELTA
Roger
Alpha Gamma Vector! Approaching Vector Charlie! Alpha! Beta!
Niner!
FRICK
(into
radio)
Hold
your positions men! Stand by! Quadrant C! Vector! Vector!
OFFICER
DELTA
Vector!
Vector!
FRICK'S
POV
Their
truck is approaching the barricades. There are people behind the
barricades. Frick's truck goes RUMBLING up to the people. Cal, highly
noticeable, is standing there with Fern and Jean-Jacques. Frick's
truck passes them.
INT.
FRICK'S VEHICLE - DUSK
Frick
turns his head swiftly, as they pass Cal. He is shocked.
FRICK
Huh!?
What the --
FRICK'S
FACE
His
brow furrows as he strains to remember.
DISSOLVE
TO:
FRICK'S
FLASHBACK: INT. SHERIFF'S CAR - NIGHT
Frick
and Emmet are in the cop car eating fried chicken. They are parked
outside a construction site.
FRICK
(mouth
full)
Yep,
there just isn't any food like chicken! Pure wholesome chicken!
Chicken is God's food.
EMMET
Yeah!
Chicken and ham.
FRICK
Ham?
EMMET
Yeah.
Ham!
FRICK
Like...
a honey-baked ham?
EMMET
Yeah!
Like a big old honey-baked ham just a dripping with... uhh...
what do you put on ham?
FRICK
Mustard.
EMMET
Yellow
mustard?
FRICK
What
other color mustard is there?
EMMET
French.
FRICK
Oh
yeah. French. But what color is French?
EMMET
Orange.
Orange and brown. With little balls in it.
FRICK
Mmmmm...
haaaam...
EMMET
Hey.
There's a guy in there...
CUT
TO:
EXT.
CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT
A MAN
(dressed in black, with a black cap on) is sneaking through the
construction site. He is carrying a gallon of gas. He passes a sign.
The sign says "HOTEL CONSTRUCTION SITE. NO TRESPASSING."
INT.
SHERIFF'S CAR - NIGHT
FRICK
Could
it be...
EMMET
the
Eco-Sneaker?...
FRICK
Yes!
It is...
EMMET
the
Eco-Sneaker!...
FRICK
...that
infamous, notorious...
EMMET
...dirty,
rotten...
FRICK
...environmentally
radical...
EMMET
...eco-terrorist...
FRICK
...known
for burning down...
EMMET
...hotels
and motels...
FRICK
...restaurants
and resorts...
EMMET
...but
especially...
FRICK
...townhomes...
EMMET
...and
condos!
FRICK
He's
a measly saboteur!
EMMET
A
meddling monkeywrencher!
FRICK
A
menace to Society!
EMMET
And
Empire!
FRICK
The
Eco-Sneaker!
EMMET
The
Stinking Eco-Sneaker!
Quietly,
they both open their doors, and get out of the car, drawing their
guns.
EXT.
THE CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT
The
Eco-Sneaker is pouring gas on a pile of construction material.
EXT.
OUTSIDE THE CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT
Through
the chain-link fence, Frick and Emmet can be seen pointing their
guns into the construction site.
FRICK
Okay
Eco-Sneaker! The gig's up! Reach for the sky!
THE
ECO-SNEAKER
Slowly,
he turns toward them. It is clearly Cal. Hold.
FRICK
He
squints as if recording the details of the Eco-Sneaker's face.
CAL
Cal
smiles a wicked grin.
FRICK
Frick
stands tough.
CAL
His
grin is suddenly illumed by an orange flickering light from below.
A MATCH
Cal
is holding a lit match in his hand.
EMMET
Seeing
this, Deputy Emmet's eyes go wide and his eyebrows rise. He has
an expression on his face like he's sucking on a straw.
CAL
Cal
SNICKERS. He tosses the match at his feet.
EXT.
CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT
The
construction site ERUPTS into flames.
EXT.
OUTSIDE THE CONSTRUCTION SITE - NIGHT
Bathed
in the orange-glow of rising flames, Frick and Emmet watch the blaze
manifest.
FRICK
(whispering
solemnly to himself)
Eco-Sneaker,
I'll get you! By Gum... I'll have your ass in a sling!...
DISSOLVE
TO:
BACK
TO SCENE: INT. LEAD VEHICLE - DUSK
Frick
stares straight ahead, as if thinking. The truck is still rushing
along on the highway.
OFFICER
DELTA
Approaching
Vector! Can I have a Vector on that Vector? Charlie Vector
Alpha Gamma Roger! Requesting Vector -- Vector Quadrant
Niner!...
FRICK'S
POV
Through
the front windshield, an eternal line of VW vans can be seen, parked
on the highway. They keep passing VW vans.
FRICK
What's
going on here?...
OFFICER
DELTA
Vector!
Alpha! Vector!... Holy Moly!
NEW
POV (SPFX)
Upon
the horizon, the mud-puppy rises, waggling its head in incensed
fury. There is a train hanging out of its mouth. It whips the train
around like a giant night-crawler. VW vans are lined up on the highway.
TWO
SHOT: FRICK AND OFFICER DELTA
FRICK
(ordering
Officer Delta)
Give
the attack order! Get that slimy bastard!
OFFICER
DELTA
(into
radio)
Commence
Operation Obliteration! Official Attack Code: Teryaki Circus
Peanut Niner! All Units...
(then,
as if from the musical "Hair", he sings out)
...AQUARIUS!
EXT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD - DUSK
The
NATIONAL GUARD (hundreds of soldiers, armed to the hilt, dressed
in camouflage fatigues) charges. They answer Officer Delta together,
singing out their battle-cry.
NATIONAL
GUARD
AQUARIUS!!
As
the National Guard charges, "THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUS"
(or whatever the song is called) plays in b.g.
POV
OF NATIONAL GUARD
As
the MUSIC continues to play, as they rush across a field, they suddenly
come over a hill and find a multitude of eco-hippies linking elbows.
The
eco-hippies have formed a human chain.
ANOTHER
ANGLE (SPFX)
Behind
the human hippy-chain, the mud-puppy is still waggling around, messing
with the Amtrack train.
POV
OF HIPPIES
The
National Guard stops charging. The MUSIC ceases.
The
National Guard is confused.
POV
OF NATIONAL GUARD
The
eco-hippies start swaying from side to side, singing "WE SHALL OVERCOME."
INT.
LEAD VEHICLE - DUSK
Frick
and Officer Delta are sitting in the truck, now stationary. Over
the radio, the SONG of the eco-hippies can be heard.
RADIO
VOICE (V.O.)
Uhhh...
Sir. We've gotta situation...
FRICK
What
Now!?
RADIO
VOICE (V.O.)
Hippies,
Sir.
FRICK
Not
to worry! I was prepared for this! Commence Operation Hose
Em Down!
OFFICER
DELTA
(into
radio)
Commence
Operation Hose Em Down! Charlie Alpha Vector! Vector Niner!...
EXT.
A TANKER TRUCK - DUSK
A tanker
truck pulls into the frame. There are SOLDIERS with hoses on top
of the truck.
EXT.
THE HIGHWAY - DUSK
Cal
and Fern are watching from a distance.
FERN
Oh
No... if they spray those people down, certain human phernomes
will be agitated... and the mud-puppy will smell their fear...
which in turn will excite its carnivorous amphibious instincts!
Those people are sitting ducks!
EXT.
THE HUMAN HIPPY-CHAIN - DUSK
The
truck drives up to the eco-hippies, who are now singing "KUMBYAH."
The soldiers ready their hoses. They start spraying the eco-hippies
down.
ANOTHER
ANGLE
The
eco-hippies get sprayed. Nevertheless, they stand their ground and
keep on SINGING.
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - DUSK
The
mud-puppy (sniffing) smells human fraidy-phernomes.
MUD-PUPPY
(looking
down, toward the source of the smell)
Mmmmmmmmmmmmm...
The
mud-puppy licks its chops and starts making for the eco-hippies.
AN
ECO-HIPPY (SPFX) - DUSK
A giant
mud-puppy hand descends into the frame and pinches the hippy between
two fingers. The SINGING ceases. The hippy SCREAMS. He is plucked
from the earth and raised into the sky.
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX)
Opening
its mouth wide, the mud-puppy lowers the still SCREAMING hippy (like
an olive between two fingers) toward its gaping maw.
HIPPY'S
POV (SPFX)
The
mud-puppy's mouth is the size of a two-car garage. Within it, the
hippy sees its ululating uvula.
CUT
TO:
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL
They
are watching. Cal watches seriously. Fern can't take it.
FERN
(crying
out)
Noooooooo!...
She
throws herself against Cal's chest. Cal wraps an arm around her
and continues to watch.
MUD-PUPPY
(SPFX) - DUSK
The
mud-puppy drops the flailing hippy into its mouth and swishes it
around as if testing a fine wine. The mud-puppy rolls its eyeballs
toward the sky, as if contemplating the flavor of this hippie.
Then
suddenly, an expression of disgust forms on the mud-puppy's face.
The mud-puppy frowns, then PTEW!! -- it spits the hippy out.
EXT.
THE HUMAN HIPPY-CHAIN - DUSK
The
hippy falls in front of the chain, bounces, and lands on his butt.
He looks stunned.
MUD-PUPPY
(SPFX) - DUSK
The
mud-puppy makes a big BLECHHHH! sound, turns around, and totters
out of the frame.
EXT.
THE BATTLEFIELD - DUSK
The
hippies CHEER.
The
National Guard CHEERS too.
INT.
LEAD VEHICLE - DUSK
FRICK
Drat!
We've been foiled!
OFFICER
DELTA
(morosely)
...vector...
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL
Fern
hugs Cal. Cal unhooks his arm from her. He seems to be averse to
her touch.
CAL
(pulling
away)
Let's
get out of here...
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - NIGHT
Fern
has the ancient mud-puppy diagrams layed out before her on the kitchen
table. She also has a pile of open books and a portable computer
going. Cal is kicking back on the couch.
FERN
(very
seriously)
There's
something here. Snoqualmie's symbols... they definitely
encode some sort of genetic information... there's something
about this information... there's something different about
the chromosomes in Waka-waka-waka-wakesh... than in a regular
mud-puppy...
CAL
(bored)
Yeah,
yeah, yeah...
FERN
There's
an extra element here... a trace of something water-based...
H20 with a toxic content... it looks like...
could it be... Acid Rain!?
CAL
Get
real!
FERN
No!
You get real!
CAL
Look,
the reason why that mud-puppy is so huge is because it's
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh, and that's the bottom line!
FERN
(still
studying diagrams)
I'm
not so sure about that anymore. True... the stories of your
culture seem to have predicted the coming of this mud-puppy...
but it could be coincidence. I mean, consider this as a
hypothesis: it is scientifically more likely that the growth
hormones of a regular mud-puppy were affected by acid rain
than some sort of legendary Indian icon breaking from centuries
of hibernation --
CAL
That's
crap! Besides, what does it matter?
FERN
Well,
if that mud-puppy is to be stopped, without harming it --
CAL
Why
stop it? It's doing what it's sposed to be doing...
FERN
Maybe.
But what right do we have to condone the destruction it's
doing?
CAL
It's
not destruction. It's cleaning up!
FERN
That's
your opinion. But I don't agree.
CAL
Why
do you think it spit that hippy out today?
FERN
That's
easy... mud-puppies are averse to the taste of patchouli
oil.
CAL
Geez,
that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. You're totally
wrong! I'll tell you why Waka-waka-waka-wakesh spit that
hippy out... Vegetarians just don't taste good.
FERN
Now
that's the biggest pile of... that's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard! That's ridiculous!
CAL
No
more ridiculous than your lame-brained acid rain idea...
FERN
(starting
to get more and more angry)
No
Cal! Now that's crap! There's much more scientific validity
to my hypothesis than there is to your conjecture --
CAL
(getting
pissed off)
Scientific
blather! Blah, blah, blah...
FERN
Oh
yeah? Well what about your spiritual blather, huh? Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!
Ancient God! Resurrection! Prophesied destruction! My butt!
This isn't myth come to life Cal! This is an accident!
CAL
(coming
toward her)
It
is NOT!
FERN
(standing
up, getting in his face)
It
IS too!
CAL
IS
NOT!
FERN
IS
TOO!
They
glare at each other breathing hard. Then suddenly, they leap at
each other and kiss aggressively. And the next thing you know, they're
tearing off each other's clothing. A torrid love scene ensues.
DISSOLVE
TO:
INT.
CAL'S BED - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Cal
turns on a lamp by the bed and illuminates himself as well as Fern,
sleeping by his side.
CAL
Okay.
Wake up.
FERN
...why?
CAL
Because...
you wanted to be in...
FERN
Now?
CAL
Yes...
now.
ANOTHER
ANGLE
Cal
gets out of bed and starts dressing. He puts on clothes that are
all black.
CAL
(throwing
a pile of clothes at Fern)
Hurry
up. Put these on.
Fern
gets out of bed.
FERN
Where
are we going?
CAL
You'll
find out.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Fern
and Cal, both dressed in black, with black caps, exit the trailer
home and enter the blackness. They walk a few steps toward the two
campers parked in his driveway, and then Cal KNOCKS on one of the
doors.
Jean-Jacques,
also dressed in black, opens the door and comes out.
JEAN-JACQUES
You
ready?
CAL
Yep.
Jean-Jacques
makes a NOISE that sounds like an owl hooting. The door on the other
camper swings open. The Hoh men, also dressed in black, silently
slink from both campers. They are each holding a bottle of corn
syrup.
The
last man out is carrying four bottles. He hands one to Cal, one
to Jean-Jacques, and one to Fern. And then they all slink off, merging
with the darkness.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD'S PARKING LOT - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
There
is a sign on the barbed-wire/chain-link fence that says "FEDERAL
VEHICLES. ABSOLUTELY NO TRESPASSING."
Cal
and Fern and Jean-Jacques enter the frame and make their way to
the fence. They grab the fence and look through it.
EXT.
THROUGH THE FENCE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
The
saboteurs scope out the vehicles.
CAL
(whispering)
Looks
good... the guards are all on the other side...
He
takes out a pliers and starts clipping the chain-link. Jean-Jacques
does the same. They create a hole in the fence.
CAL
(whispering)
Well,
let's do what we can...
Jean-Jacques
and Fern follow him in. Then the nine other men enter the frame
and follow them through.
EXT.
THE PARKING LOT - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Twelve
stealthy figures move swiftly and silently between the vehicles.
Each of them grips a bottle of corn syrup.
EXT.
THE HOOD OF A VEHICLE - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
One
of the dark figures pops the hood and looks inside. He goes straight
for the crankcase and pours a third of his corn syrup into the oil.
The bottle GLUGS.
EXT.
THE PARKING LOT - MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
Systematically,
the sneakers sneak. Hoods are popped, corn syrup is drained, hoods
are quietly shut.
DISSOLVE
TO:
ON
T.V.: A NEWSROOM - MORNING
Before
a b.g with an image of a gigantic mud-puppy toppling the Space Needle
(of which the caption reads "MUD-PUPPY TERROR IN THE NORTHWEST!")
the Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is seated at a desk.
CHIN
GUY
Good
Morning America! Here's more on the newest most horrible
horror to ever horrify the U.S. of A! Early this morning,
the Monster Mud-Puppy of Washington State disappeared into
Lake Quinalt, high up in the Olympic National Park...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: EXT. A SCENIC MOUNTAIN LAKE (SPFX) - DAWN
A long
trailing mud-puppy tail is disappearing into the lake. Eco-hippies
stand on the shore, CHEERING.
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: INT. THE NEWSROOM - MORNING
Now
the b.g. image is the American flag. An electric-guitar version
of the "NATIONAL ANTHEM" is playing o.s.
CHIN
GUY
Meanwhile,
the National Guard has been experiencing severe setbacks...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: EXT. THE NATIONAL GUARD PARKING LOT - MORNING
Col.
Frick is standing in front of one of the sabotaged vehicles. Its
hood is up.
Col.
Frick, unaware that he is being filmed, kicks the tire of the vehicle.
A series of BLEEPS! censors him.
FRICK
[BLEEP!]...
[BLEEP!]... [BLEEP!]...
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin enters the frame with his microphone.
CHIN
GUY
Col.
Frick! Col. Frick! What has happened here? What evil has
been cast?
FRICK
(spinning
toward his interviewer)
What
evil? I'll tell you what evil! Someone has sabotaged the
US Government, that's what! Apparently, a top secret chemical
was secretly injected into the crankcases of these vehicles
sometime last night, and subsequently, the pistons in all
engines welded themselves to the heads! We are momentarily
disabled.
CHIN
GUY
What
will you do? What will we do?
FRICK
What
will I do? I'll tell you what I will do! I am gonna
get that guy... because I know who he is. There's only one
man with enough gall to have done this, and that's the Eco-Sneaker...
and to him I say this...
(pointing
his finger straight at camera)
I
know who you are! That's right punk! I'm on your ass! I've
got your number! I'm gonna ring your bell! You're looking
at life in prison, sucker! And I'm gonna gitchya! You [BLEEP!]ing
--
CUT
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER - MORNING
Cal
and Fern are under the covers humping away. The covers are going
up and down. The t.v. is on.
FRICK'S
VOICE ON TELEVISION (V.O.)
--
[BLEEP!]... you [BLEEP!] [BLEEP!]... and so is your [BLEEP!]...
[BLEEP!]ing [BLEEP!]y... [BLEEP!BLEEP!BLEEP!]... [BLEEP!]
my [BLEEP!]...
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE PARKING LOT - MORNING
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin (now on location, not on t.v.) is still
interviewing Frick. Frick's face is all red and huffy-puffy.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
And
how do you intend to stop this new and unusual National
Threat, Col. Frick?
FRICK
What
do I intend to do? I'll tell you what I intend to do! As
soon as we get rolling, we're gonna head on up to Lake Quinalt
and fry that thing alive! That's right!
(pointing
finger toward camera again)
You
listen to me you [BLEEP!]ing mud-puppy! You're mine! Understand!?
I'm talking torpedoes! Depth charges! Radar devices! High-tech
weapons! Air support! The safety of our country depends
on it!...
A SERIES
OF SHOTS
Each
shot lasts less than a second.
CU
of Frick's mad eyes, CU of Baudelaire's mad eyes, CU of Frick's
mad eyes.
CUT
TO:
Continued
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