|
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER - MORNING
Now
Cal and Fern are sitting up in bed, smoking cigs and watching t.v.
CAL
Geez!
I better watch my butt...
FERN
Do
whatever you want. I've got work to do... Glands! Yes! Glands!
CAL
(immediately
disgusted)
Glands
glands glands! I'm gonna go get some stinking crullers!
He
storms out of bed.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD PARKING LOT - MORNING
Deputy
Emmet is back. Seductively, he sachets up to Frick and offers Frick
a bag of donuts. Frick looks in the bag and immediately goes red.
FRICK
Cake
donuts! My butt! I'm gonna go get some stinking crullers!
He
throws the bag on the ground and storms out of the parking lot,
leaving Emmet looking dejected.
CUT
TO:
INT.
DONUT SHOP - MORNING
Cal
and Frick walk in together, through doors that are adjacent to each
other. There are two DONUT BOYS waiting at the counter. Cal and
Frick each approach a donut boy.
CAL
and FRICK
(together)
Gimme
a dozen crullers...
Astonished,
they both turn and look at each other. Recognition is immediate.
FRICK
Well
[BLEEP!] me!
Frick
pulls out a gun. Cal kicks the gun out of his hand. Frick grabs
Cal by the shirt and throws Cal over the counter. Cal crashes into
the donut boys. Frick leaps over the counter after Cal. Cal rolls
out of the way and Frick tackles a donut boy by accident.
Cal
and Frick fight. Cal beats the crap out of Frick. Frick is unconscious,
lying amidst a pile of scattered powdered donuts. The donut boys
are frightened. They look stupidly at Cal.
CAL
(blandly)
Come
on. What're ya waiting for? Gimme my stinking crullers...
DONUT
BOY
(handing
Cal a box)
Here...
Mister.
CAL
(paying)
Thanks.
And have a nice day.
Cal
walks out.
CUT
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER/A CRUCIFIED LITTLE MUD-PUPPY - DAY
Fern
is about to dissect a small mud-puppy with a dotted line down its
stomach. The blade descends into the frame. The mud-puppy struggles.
FERN
She
cuts the mud-puppy open. She is wearing her lab coat again.
FERN
(to
herself)
Hello
little gland. Come to momma...
She
reaches in with a tweezers and extracts something. She places it
under a microscope. She examines it.
FERN
(to
herself)
Ah
hah!... Strange traces!...
She
picks up the phone and dials it.
CUT
TO:
INT.
FERN'S SALAMANDER LAB - DAY
Dr.
Ernie Isaac answers the phone.
DR.
ISAAC
Hello?
CUT
TO:
INT.
SIMULTANEOUS SHOT: FERN AND DR. ISAAC - DAY
FERN
Ernie,
it's me. Hi.
DR.
ISAAC
Fern?
FERN
Yeah.
Hi. Listen. I need some information lickety-split. Can you
fax me something?
DR.
ISAAC
Sure.
What?
FERN
I
need the glandular schematics for a basic tiger salamander.
I need to see the gene charts --
DR.
ISAAC
Fine
then Fern. But what's going on up there? It's on t.v. all
the time... A humongous mud-puppy destroying the world?
How could this be? Fanatics are claiming that it's a supernatural
amphibian... that it's here to bring on the End!
FERN
I
don't think so. I think it's just a normal mud-puppy with
mutated growth hormones which conveniently fits into some
stories told many moons ago. Hysteria, however, is probably
just as much to blame for its freak size as the toxins which
effected its metabolism...
DR.
ISAAC
Oh
Fern. Widdle Sven and Widdle Olga just aren't the same anymore...
they miss you.
FERN
They're
just amphibians Ernie.
DR.
ISAAC
But
so is Waka-waka-wakesh...
FERN
(very
seriously)
Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh!
CUT
TO:
INT.
DONUT SHOP - DAY
Frick
is lying on the floor with a bunch of MEDICS surrounding him. They
are looking in his ear and bending his elbow and stuff like that.
Frick is talking into a radio.
FRICK
Waka!
Waka! Wakesh! My butt! I want all available troops to get
Cal Clallam! For he is the Eco-Sneaker! Got it!? I want
secretaries and nurses to get their butts out there and
slog through the swamps! I want dogs in the woods! Helicopters
in the sky! Local Law Enforcement! Citizens! School children!...
OFFICER
DELTA'S VOICE ON RADIO (V.O.)
Alpha
affirmative! Charlie Vector Four Four Six Niner! I repeat...
Niner!
FRICK
That
monstrous monster can wait! Now patch me through to the
new Sheriff!
CUT
TO:
INT.
SIMULTANEOUS SHOT: FRICK AND TED NUGENT - DAY
The
Nooge, now in less of a full body cast, with one arm free, answers
the radio.
SHERIFF
NOOGE
Baby,
Baby, Ba-beeeeee! -- you're talking with the Man! I say
I say I say -- the Man the Man the Man! Whatchya got --
I say I say I say -- whatchya got, Ba-beeee!?
FRICK
Ted,
this is Frick! Put out an APB on Cal Clallam! He's the Eco-Sneaker,
see!? And he just attacked an Officer of the National Guard!
I want his ass on a platter!
THE
NOOGE
Whoooooaaa
Baby! That -- I say I say I say -- is one tall momma of
an order Momma! I say I say I say --
FRICK
Look,
just get over to his place! He lives in the trailer park.
And arrest him -- or you'll be touring with Ratt! Got it!?
Frick
flicks his radio off. The Nooge responds by suddenly BUSTING his
other arm out of its cast, and playing an air-guitar lick.
ELECTRIC
GUITAR MUSIC accompanies the faux lick. It's the opening lick from
"CAT SCRATCH FEVER."
CUT
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER - DAY
Fern
is sitting at the kitchen table, receiving a fax on a fax machine
she set up. The door BURSTS open. Cal leaps in with a box of crullers.
CAL
Awwww
man! I'm up a creek! I gotta get outta here!
FERN
What?
What's up?
CAL
I
got Smokey on my tail!
In
a frenzy, he grabs a sleeping bag, a fishing pole, a rain jacket,
and a toothbrush.
FERN
Where
are you going?
CAL
On
the lam!
He
storms out of the trailer.
FERN
(dramatically)
Cal!
CAL!!
She
gets up and runs after him. The door shuts behind her.
Then
the door BURSTS open and the Nooge, with a loaded flaming bow and
arrow (his torso in a body cast, Deputy Emmet steadying him from
behind) surveys the trailer.
NOOGE
This
is an arrest! YOW! I say I say I say! YOW-BABY!
Seeing
that the trailer is abandoned, he gestures (with his head) for Emmet
to help him inside. They enter, awkwardly (because the Nooge still
has two broken legs).
NOOGE
Hmmmmmm,
Baby! What -- I say I say I say -- is all this? Hmmmmm!
Hmmmmm! WOW!! Yeah! Hoooo-momma! Looks to me like we've
found -- I say I say I say -- we've found the mad mad lab
of a mad mad scientist!
(he
looks through the microscope)
Yeah
Baby, a mad mad scientist! Madder than Ozzie! A mad mad
scientist -- I say I say I say -- who has apparently been
manipulating the growth glands of the common mud-puppy vulgaris
I say I say!
EMMET
(seeing
the donut box)
Hey.
Are those crullers?
NOOGE
Frick!
Where the frick is Frick? Gotta talk to Frick -- I say I
say I say -- gotta talk to C-rockin!-NN! CBS! NBC! ABC!
All the letters of the Alphabet! Gotta sell out, gotta tell
the world, BABY!
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE VINEY FOREST - DAY
Fern
is running and yelling.
FERN
Cal!
Cal! Cal -- come back! Where are you!?
She
gives up and turns around.
FERN
(swearing)
[BLEEP!]
CUT
TO:
EXT.
A SKI RESORT JUST NORTH OF SEATTLE - DAY
A sign
reads "RAD THRASHER'S ULTRA-PHAT SKI RESORT."
INT.
THE LUXURY LIVING QUARTERS OF RAD THRASHER - DAY
RAD
THRASHER (25, long hair, goatee, and wrap-around chromatic shades)
is kicking back on his couch. He is bored and watching t.v., switching
back and forth with his remote control. There are snowboards everywhere.
FEMALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Rad...
Mr. Thrasher... Donald Trump is on line 2. Mr. Thrasher
--
RAD
(hitting
"mute," then responding)
Hold
all calls. I'm watching t.v. ...
FEMALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
But
Mr. Thrasher... there's a Grizzly loose in the Cascades...
and your attorney Jerry Goldstein advises that for the safety
of your ski resort --
RAD
A
bear? Who cares! Who cares about a measly little teddy bear
when a superhuge mud-puppy is out there kicking gnarly ass!?
Don't bother me with billionaires and bears!
He
CLICKS the intercom off and hits the "mute" button on his remote
again. The SOUND of television returns.
ON
T.V.: GUY WITH TEN-POUND CHIN - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is on the edge of the rainforest where
a manhunt is in progress behind him. SOLDIERS and DOGS, SECRETARIES
and NURSES, DEPUTIES and CITIZENS are scouring the ferns.
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN
New
news in the fabulous case of the Monster that terrorized
the Great Northwest! A monolithic manhunt has been launched
in the Olympic National Forest for this man...
ON
T.V.: INSERT WANTED POSTER ILLUSTRATION
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN (V.O.)
Cal
Clallam!... alias the Eco-Sneaker!... that infamous and
desperate Eco-saboteur!... Environmental Radical!... Arsonist!...
Vandal!... Outlaw!... Maniac!... is On!... The!... Lam!...
ON
T.V.: GUY WITH TEN-POUND CHIN - DAY
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN
Yes!
That's right folks! And here's the latest scoop... Cal the
Eco-Sneaker Clallam is also a mad scientist... Yes! A mad
scientist who is responsible for creating the mud-pupular
atrocity which is currently hiding out in the depths of
Lake Quinalt, taking a break from threatening the life of
the entire West Coast, if not the world!...
ON
T.V.: INSERT MUG SHOT OF CAL
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN (V.O.)
Yes,
that's right folks! Here he is... the madman! The virtual
Dr. Frankenstein of Mud-Puppy Insanity! Just moments ago,
Federal Officer Ted Nugent and his team of highly trained
deputies raided the Eco-Sneaker's home and found it to be
stocked with the tools of DNA Cloning Technology! That's
right folks, there's no doubt about it. The Eco-Sneaker
might be an eco-hero for impressionable young liberals who
never finished their college educations, but he is also
a convicted and evil Amphibial Genius!...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: INT. CAL'S TRAILER - DAY
Deputy
Emmet and Sheriff Nooge are sitting at Cal's kitchen table stuffing
crullers into their mouths. They seem surprised at the sudden presence
of the Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin.
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN
Officer
Nugent... What?... When?... Why?... How?... did you crack
the Case of the Mad Mad Mad Mud-Puppy Maniac!? Please...
continue...
NOOGE
(mouth
stuffed with crullers)
Mmm...
mmmmmphh... flaahhhrg... mmmph...
GUY
WITH TEN-POUND CHIN
That's
right folks! Cal Clallam is now the most wanted man in America!
Where he is, nobody knows!... but the National Guard is
doing its best. Every man, every woman, dog and child, available...
is out there now, searching for the Eco-Sneaker!...
CUT
TO:
INT.
RAD THRASHER'S LUXURY SUITE - DAY
Rad,
in approval, holds up a fist.
RAD
Right
on! Diggitty Dank! Go Eco-Sneaker Go!
CUT
TO:
EXT.
A NATIONAL FOREST CAMPGROUND - DAY
A sea
of eco-hippies is gathered around a large-screen t.v. They are also
holding their fists in the air in support of the Eco-Sneaker.
ECO-HIPPIES
(together)
Diggitty
Dank!...
Diggitty
Dank!...
Diggitty
Dank!...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: EXT. THE RAINFOREST - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing in the middle of the manhunt.
GUY
WITH CHIN
Newsflash!
This just in!... it seems that the apocryphal salamandric
monstrosity known as Waka-waka-wakesh has just escaped from
Lake Quinalt! That's right... just moments ago, thanks to
the all-consuming manhunt going on behind me, the Malicious
Mud-Puppy Menace managed to slip from its cowardly vector
and escape into the Colonel Bob Wilderness Area directly
to the West...
SASQUATCH
(eight feet tall, dark and furry) suddenly runs past the Guy with
the Ten-Pound Chin, looking back and swinging its arms in that stereotypical
Bigfoot kinda way.
Dogs
run after it, BARKING.
GUY
WITH CHIN
...let's
go there now...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: EXT. THE SHORE OF LAKE QUINALT - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing next to a portly FAMILY
(the same fat family from before: the Fat Mom, the Fat Dad, and
Little Billy - except this time, they're wearing leiderhösen,
clogs, and Peter Pan hats). The Dad is holding a video camera.
GUY
WITH CHIN
We're
here with the Werner Wolfgang Wolfenheimer family from Hammerstein,
Deutschland, who were fortunate enough to obtain video footage
of the mammoth mud-puppy as it miraculously eluded the National
Guard, who couldn't make it because of car troubles.
Thus, the killer mud-puppy got away. Roll the clip!...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: EXT. LOCH NESS - DUSK
It's
that famous vague black and white photograph of the Loch Ness Monster.
Its befogged head is sticking up from the lake.
GUY
WITH CHIN (V.O.)
(unaware
that his audience can hear him)
Thanks
Werner... the check's in the mail.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE NATIONAL GUARD PARKING LOT - DAY
Frick,
dressed up in full regalia including sword, awaits his finest hour.
In the b.g. there are engines bleeding oil all over the parking
lot. MECHANICS scurry back and forth with torque wrenches and tools.
Officer
Delta stands by Frick's side.
FRICK
Are
all units operational yet?
OFFICER
DELTA
Alpha
Gamma Charlie Affirmative! Vector Niner! Niner! Niner!...
FRICK
Okay
then! Load heat-seeking missile and leave the safety off.
Transport megabombs to all air-support units! Let's move
it out!
OFFICER
DELTA
(into
radio)
Commence
Operation Bomb-the-Hell-Outta-That-Big-Dumb-Lizard! Vector!
Vector!...
CUT
TO:
EXT.
COLONEL BOB WILDERNESS AREA (SPFX) - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is moseying along through the gigantic old-growth trees. He is HUMMING
away in a sort of casual mud-puppy way.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
BLACK AND WHITE STOCK FOOTAGE OF WORLD WAR II BOMBERS - DUSK
B-52s
fill the sky, DRONING away. They start dropping bombs.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
STOCK FOOTAGE OF EXPLOSIONS GOING OFF - DAY
The
bombs go BLAM! WHAM! BAAAA-BROOOOM!!
EXT.
COL. BOB WILDERNESS AREA (SPFX) - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
looks around with an "uhh oh..." expression on his mud-puppy
face.
A bomb
EXPLODES nearby.
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
looks up.
MUD-PUPPY
POV
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
sees the black and white B-52 footage from before. The bombers DRONE
and continue to drop bombs.
EXT.
COL. BOB WILDERNESS AREA (SPFX) - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
gets his ass in gear and starts high-tailing it through the woods.
Bombs EXPLODE all around him. Waka-waka-waka-wakesh leaps through
the flames.
EXT.
SOME DEER STANDING IN THE WOODS - DAY
The
deer are gazing innocently at the camera.
EXT.
STOCK FOOTAGE OF AN EXPLOSION - DAY
It
appears as if the explosion has blown up the deer.
EXT.
A BIG TALL TREE - DAY
The
tree is falling. It is on fire.
EXT.
A BUNNY RABBIT NIBBLING ON SOME GRASS - DAY
It's
a widdle baby wabbit. A weal cutie.
EXT.
THE SAME STOCK EXPLOSION FOOTAGE AS ABOVE - DAY
The
bunny gets blown to Kingdom Come.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
COL. BOB WILDERNESS AREA (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy HOWLS his reverberating lament to the heavens.
More
bombs EXPLODE nearby.
Fire
rages.
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is suddenly endowed with superspeed. He rockets through the woods,
racing away from the bombers above.
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DAY
Fern
is still in the ferns, looking for Cal.
FERN
(yelling)
Cal!
Cal, Where Are You!?
Fern
suddenly stops. She sees something.
FERN'S
POV: THE RAINFOREST - DAY
Col.
Frick is standing next to a giant missile, on a launcher mounted
on a truck. On the missile, it says "HEAT-SEEKING MISSILE." Frick
is agitated.
GUY
WITH CHIN
(entering
with microphone)
Col.
Frick! Col. Frick! What seems to be the problem? Enquiring
minds want to know!...
FRICK
That
[BLEEP!]ing mud-puppy [BLEEP!] got away! Our radars can't
detect it anywhere... there's too much dang moisture in
the air! He just plumb got away!
GUY
WITH CHIN
But
how could this be?
FERN
(entering
with determination
and
grabbing microphone)
I'll
tell you!
GUY
WITH CHIN
Ladies
and Gentlemen... it's our Amphibious Authority, Doctor Fern
Thoreau -
FERN
(to
Frick)
First
of all, Frick, you're stupid -- which is good! Good for
the people, good for the animals, good for the environment,
and good for Waka-waka-wakesh!
FRICK
Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh!
FERN
Oh...
sorry. But the reason that you're stupid is because you
act on impulse, with no research whatsoever. Mud-puppies
are climactic creatures. When it's cold, they're sluggish
and lethargic. But when it's hot, their metabolism gets
fired up. Mud-puppies are hunters, their reactions are sharp
and violent! So what you've done is you've given your opponent
an advantage. The heat from all those bombs and fires you've
started has activated the adrenal glands of that mud-puppy.
That's right... it's on full throttle now because you turned
up the heat!
FRICK
(sarcastically)
Well
thank you Miss Know-it-all...
FERN
So
if you're really concerned with protecting the people, I
advise you to find out what you're dealing with. By dropping
all those bombs and lighting all those fires, you aren't
protecting anybody, you're increasing its frenzy and need
for fuel... in other words... you are endangering the people
you are trying to protect... by making Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
even hungrier than he already is. But what you're really
doing is waging a personal war!
FRICK
There
are No! Personal! Wars!... Personal! Wars! Do Not! EXIST!
FERN
Sure.
Sure they don't Colonel. And I'm a monkey's uncle!
(she
pauses)
And
another thing... your heat-seeking missile won't
work on a cold-blooded creature... now will it?
GUY
WITH CHIN
(grabbing
microphone away from her)
There
you have it people! The passion, the fervor! The personal
dynamics beneath the personalities involved!... The major
characters in this major drama! What they feel! What they
desire! What drives them on!...
FERN
(grabbing
the microphone back)
People!
Hear me! This mud-puppy is innocent, it doesn't have to
be destroyed. It is my Scientific belief that Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is not a monster, but rather, a poor genetic mutant who
is just as much a victim of the abuse of our environment
as all of us! So let's slow down and examine this situation!
There are other ways to gain control --
FRICK
(interrupting)
Like
what, missy!?
FERN
Think
about it! Like I said... mud-puppies are climactic creatures.
They are subject to the weather, the temperature, the designs
of Nature. For instance, if a way could be found to lower
its body temperature, that would slow it down... it would
curb its desire for fuel... and that would give us time
to think. There's no reason to destroy a perfectly good
amphibian!
FRICK
Lady,
that's a crock of [BLEEP!]...
CUT
TO:
INT.
RAD THRASHER'S LUXURY SUITE (SPFX) - DAY
Rad
is watching t.v. A lightbulbs suddenly lights above his head.
BACK
TO SCENE: ON T.V.: FRICK, FERN AND GUY WITH CHIN - DAY
Frick's
radio suddenly CRACKLES on.
OFFICER
DELTA'S VOICE (V.O.)
Vector
Vector Charlie Niner Come in Col. Frick... Charlie alpha...
gamma...
FRICK
Frick
here!
OFFICER
DELTA (V.O.)
We've
got him Sir! We've got the Eco-Sneaker!
CUT
TO:
INT.
RAD THRASHER'S LUXURY SUITE - DAY
He's
watching t.v. He is upset.
RAD
(SMASHing
fist on couch)
UN-Diggitty
Dank!
CUT
TO:
EXT.
ECO-HIPPY CAMPGROUND - DAY
The
eco-hippies, gathered around the large-screen t.v., are also upset.
ECO-HIPPIES
(together)
UN-Diggitty
Dank!...
UN-Diggitty
Dank!...
POV
OF ECO-HIPPIES: ON T.V.: SOMEWHERE IN THE RAINFOREST - DAY
Cal
(covered with band-aids, his shirt all ripped up) is being held
by three SOLDIERS. He is in chains. In the b.g., a herd of eco-hippies
is being held back by the National Guard.
ECO-HIPPIES
(chanting
together)
Bogus!...
Bogus!...
Bogus!...
GUY
WITH CHIN
(suddenly
appearing)
That's
right folks! Cal Clallam, alias the Eco-Sneaker, is now
in custody! Currently, he is being taken to a Government
facility in Seattle for safe-holding.
CUT
TO:
INT.
RAD THRASHER'S LUXURY SUITE - DAY
He
turns the t.v. off and gets on the intercom.
RAD
Petunia!...
get me my attorney now...
FEMALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Okee-dokee,
Mr. Thrasher...
After
a pause.
MALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Rad?...
This is Jerry Goldstein... I hear you need some legal help.
What can I do for you?
RAD
(after
a dramatic pause)
Get
Dude out of jail!...
CUT
TO:
INT.
A NEWSROOM - EVENING
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is speaking to us.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
...
So that's it for the 10 o'clock news America. That horrid
ugly mud-puppy is still on the loose, laying low for now,
but soon to arise with its terrorism again. When and where...
who knows? But stay tuned for the late movie... "Godzilla"...
the story of a big rubber lizard who goes ape and creams
the Japanese. Good night America!
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE MOON - NIGHT
The
moon is full. Fog crosses across it.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE SUN - DAWN
The
moon image fades into the rising sun, orange and oblong, hovering
on the horizon.
EXT.
A BEACH (SPFX) - MORNING
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is on the beach, moving casually along, HUMMING a happy senseless
mud-puppy tune to himself.
EXT.
OUT IN A SMALL BOAT - MORNING
An
old FISHERMAN sees the mud puppy.
OLD
FISHERMAN
(surprised)
Well
blow me down!
He
breaks out a cellular phone and dials 911.
INT.
SHERIFF'S OFFICE - MORNING
Sheriff
Nooge (now with just a few bandages on) is treating himself to some
crullers. Deputy Emmet is watching him. Baudelaire stares down from
above.
THE
NOOGE
(demonstrating)
Now
-- I say I say I say -- we got to do it to it we got to
do it right and we got to do it now so listen up I say I
say I say! I say I think I say I say I think I know what
you like! Do you hear me? This is what you do you do you
do you see! You take a cruller and you slice it -- that's
right that's right -- you slice I say you slice it right
down the middle Baby! And then you take your Hot-Rocking
Nobody-Stopping You-from-being-you type cottage cheese type
stuff like this and -- I say I say -- you plop it right
on into the cruller -- I say I say -- and then you take
your sizzling Pop Rocks and you pour them on top and here's
what you got!
(he
holds it up)
A
Pop-Rock Cottage-Crock Cruller Comingatchya! WOW!!
EMMET
Gee.
That's swell Ted!
The
phone RINGS and the MEDIA (the Guy with Ten-Pound Chin, some CAMERA
MEN, some JOURNALISTS, etc) bursts in.
The
Nooge watches, befuddled, as the media hovers all around Emmet,
focusing on Emmet, as the phone continues to RING before him.
Emmet
answers the phone.
EMMET
Uhh...
Sheriff's Office...
Emmet
pauses then turns toward the Nooge.
EMMET
It's
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh... he's been spotted just outside
Port Townsend... heading south through Oak Bay... on the
beach...
NOOGE
(grabbing
a rifle, considering it, then
putting
it down and replacing it with a rocking electric guitar)
Come
on! We gotta make the scene! We -- I say I say I say --
gotta gig with one mother of a mud-puppy Baby! Whoaaaa Nelly!
Sheriff
Nooge and Deputy Emmet leave the frame urgently as the media (yapping
on cellular phones) follows them out.
MEDIA
(like
a bunch of automatons)
Oak
Bay!...
Oak
Bay!...
Oak
Bay!...
CUT
TO:
EXT.
A RADIO TOWER (SPFX) - MORNING
Visible
radio waves are emanating from the radio tower. Telegraph BEEPINGS
fill the sky.
INT.
FRICK'S TENT - MORNING
Frick,
lying in bed, hears the BEEPINGS and awakes. He immediately jumps
out of bed in full uniform and grabs his radio.
FRICK
(into
radio)
Okay
all you panty-waists! Wake Up Gosh Dangit! Wake up and Move
it Out!
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER - MORNING
Fern,
lying in bed, hears the BEEPINGS and also awakes. She immediately
jumps out of bed wearing her lab coat. She grabs her car keys and
scurries from the frame.
INT.
RAD THRASHER'S LUXURY BEDROOM - MORNING
Rad,
lying in bed, also hears the BEEPINGS. He immediately sits up in
bed and hits the remote control on his t.v.
TEN-POUND
CHIN (V.O.)
Oak
Bay!...
Oak
Bay!...
Rad
hits "mute," then pushes a button on his intercom.
FEMALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Yes,
Mr. Thrasher?...
RAD
(into
the intercom)
Has
Mr. Goldstein arrived yet?
FEMALE
INTERCOM VOICE (V.O.)
Yes
Mr. Thrasher. And --
RAD
Good!
Ready all vehicles! Let's Go! GO GO GO!
CUT
TO:
EXT.
RADIO TOWER (SPFX) AGAIN - MORNING
The
radio tower is still BEEPING away. Visible radio waves are still
radiating from it.
CUT
TO:
INT.
FRICK'S VEHICLE - DAY
Frick
is driving fast, Officer Delta by his side. The BEEPINGS are still
beeping.
OFFICER
DELTA
(listening
to an earphone)
Roger
Alpha Vector! Enemy sighted, headed toward Seattle! Vector
Seattle: Hood Canal Bridge! I repeat: Vector Seattle: Hood
Canal Bridge!...
INT.
TED NUGENT'S MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
Sheriff
Nooge is driving fast, Emmet at his side. The BEEPINGS are still
going. They are listening to the National Guard's radio channel.
OFFICER
DELTA'S VOICE (V.O.)
...I
repeat: Vector Seattle: Hood Canal Bridge!... Vector!...
Vector!...
NOOGE
(switching
it off)
Deputy
Baby -- I say I say I say -- 'tis time to put the hammer
down!
(singing)
HAMMERDOWN!
He
puts the hammer down and their images accelerate out of the frame.
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DAY
She
is listening to Ted Nugent singing "HAMMERDOWN" on the radio. She
is driving like a lunatic.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
is making his way across the Hood Canal Bridge, still HUMMING casually.
CUT
TO:
INT.
FRICK'S VEHICLE - DAY
They
are still hauling ass.
FRICK
Officer
Delta!
OFFICER
DELTA
(saluting)
Sir!
Yes Sir, SIR!
FRICK
Contact
the Submarine Base at Fort Warden ASAP! Come on! Mush!
OFFICER
DELTA
Yes
Sir, Sir! Roger Vector Charlie Niner!
FRICK'S
FACE
His
eyes gleam with malicious intent. He rubs his palms.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy is still making it's way across the bridge.
EXT.
THE EAST END OF THE BRIDGE - DAY
A large
CROWD of eco-hippies and citizens have gathered. They are jabbing
the sky with signs. Many of them are holding up banners in support
of the mud-puppy's pilgrimage of pillage.
CROWD
(chanting)
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
CUT
TO:
ON
T.V.: INT. A NEWSROOM - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is informing the planet.
CHIN
GUY
...
so that's the way it is folks! Mud-puppy Mania is on the
loose!... Thousands of citizens are risking their lives
to demonstrate their support for this creature and its chaos!
Hence, the question arises: are these people brainwashed,
or --
CUT
TO:
INT.
FRICK'S VEHICLE - DAY
Frick's
face is distorted by Machiavellian madness. Sweat runs down his
forehead. His eyes are wide and crazed. He is listening to the people
chanting on the radio. "HAMMERDOWN" continues to play o.s.
FRICK
Braindead!...
Fools! They must be saved... saved from themselves! Their
stinkin'
CHIN
GUY (V.O.)
(breaking
in on the radio)
...Nevertheless,
the fact remains, Waka-waka-wakesh is now crossing the Hood
Canal Bridge, on a direct course toward its supporters,
and then Seattle, and America!... Beyond!..
FRICK
So
it's up to me! Yes me! It is I who am destined to save the
wretched populace! It is I! The Muse has made it so! I am
the Grand Savior! I am Holy! I am Invincible! Je Suis All
Powerful!... Ha! Ha Ha!
CHIN
GUY (V.O.)
So
let's go there now, live to the action!...
CUT
TO:
EXT.
EAST END OF HOOD CANAL BRIDGE - DAY
The
mud-puppy supporters have grown in numbers. They are still CHEERING.
PEOPLE
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin has suddenly appeared in front of the
people. A DRUM-ROLL accompanies his rising inflection.
CHIN
GUY
And
here he comes... the Amphibian of the Hour!... the Star
of Salamandrom!... the One and Only, the Fabulous!, the
Marvelous!, the Magnificent!... Muuuuud-Puuuuuppy!
CUT
TO:
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy is approaching the people. It is headed on a crash course.
EXT.
EAST END OF BRIDGE - DAY
CHIN
GUY
Oh
Lordy people!... Waka-waka-waka-wakesh is not about to slow
down! Stay tuned for carnage!... Disaster! The Apotheosis!
And coming up after this... one whole hour of car crashes,
video violence, and actual footage of actual cops as they
take it to the streets in "Action Action!," the show that's
fun for the whole family... featuring real people getting
smeared!...
Suddenly,
the mood changes. A shadow alights on The Guy with the Ten-Pound
Chin as well as the people in b.g. The people start SCREAMING in
horror.
CHIN
GUY
But
wait! What's this!?...
A rising,
wailing electric GUITAR SOLO can suddenly be heard.
CUT
TO:
CHIN
GUY'S POV
Here
comes Ted Nugent's monster truck. Emmet is driving and there is
a ridiculously gigantic speaker in the back of the truck.
The
Nooge, in a silver one piece skin-tight jumpsuit, is on top of the
speaker. He is leaning way back and ROCKING AWAY at mach speed.
NOOGE
(wailing)
THIS
ONE'S GOING OUT FOR ALL YOU MISUNDERSTOOD MUD-PUPPIES OUT
THERE JUST TRYING TO DO WHAT YOU GOTTA DO!... YAAAAA-HOOOOOO!...
He
ROCKS.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
As
the rock ROCKS, the mud-puppy suddenly swivels toward Ted Nugentness.
And
the next thing you know, the mud-puppy has a fist in the air and
he's totally rocking out.
EXT.
THE EAST END OF BRIDGE - DAY
And
so are the people. Everyone, including the Guy with the Ten-Pound
Chin Guy, is rocking out.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE - DAY
Now
the monster truck is parked, right in front of the mud-puppy. The
Nooge ROCKS immaculate.
Fern's
car appears in the distance. It comes up swerving behind the monster
truck, and passes it.
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DAY
Fern
is totally rocking out. She's swinging her hair all around, feeling
the rock.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy is now playing air-guitar. Fern drives beneath it.
EXT.
EAST END OF BRIDGE - DAY
Fern
drives right up to the Guy with the Chin and slams on the brakes.
The people, in b.g., continue to rock.
And
then the crowd parts.
A Jeep,
followed by a convoy of trucks, is coming through the crowd from
the opposite direction.
Fern
gets out of her car.
A CLOSER
VIEW - DAY
Rad
Thrasher is driving the Jeep. His lawyer, JERRY GOLDSTEIN (mid-40s,
suit) is in the back seat. But in the front seat, next to Rad, is
Cal Clallam, fresh out of jail, still wearing his jail duds.
A CHEER
arises from the people. They hold up lighters to the sky as the
convoy passes through their midst and the Nooge (O.S.) continues
to ROCK on.
Then
the Jeep stops and Fern leaps into it. She hugs Cal. The crowd CHEERS
again.
RAD
(directing
the trucks)
Come
on! Come on! Get in position! Let's do it! GO GO!
EXT.
THE TRUCKS - DAY
The
trucks pass Rad. On all the trucks it says "RAD THRASHER'S ULTRA-PHAT
SKI RESORT."
There
are snow-making machines on all the trucks.
A CLOSER
VIEW - DAY
On
one of the snow-making machines, it says "ACME SNOW-MAKING MACHINE."
EXT.
THE HOOD CANAL BRIDGE - DAY
The
trucks are now lined up next to each other. They move toward the
mud-puppy in formation.
EXT.
THE CROWD - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing in front of the people.
He informs us of the obvious.
CHIN
GUY
Rad
Thrasher's unexpected snow-making machines are now making
snow!
RAD
THRASHER
(coming
up behind him, yelling)
SNOW!
Let there be... SNOW!
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy gets sprayed by snow.
Meanwhile,
in b.g., the Nooge is approaching his ROCKING climax.
EXT.
CAL AND FERN IN JEEP - DAY
They
WHOOP, and bang their heads along with the rock.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy is almost obscured inside a mock-blizzard.
The
snow covers the mud-puppy.
The
mud-puppy lies down on the bridge and becomes lethargic.
EXT.
CHIN GUY - DAY
CHIN
GUY
People!
This is incredible! The Miraculous Mud-Puppy is actually
chilling out!...
EXT.
THE MUD PUPPY'S SNOW-COVERED FACE (SPFX) - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh
closes his eyes and starts to snooze.
EXT.
THE CROWD - DAY
Everybody
CHEERS.
In
b.g., the Nooge has reached his ROCKING apex.
EXT.
ANOTHER ANGLE - DAY
EDDIE
VAN HALEN, JIMMY PAGE and JIMI HENDRIX get down on their knees,
in praise of the Nooge's ultimate (and divine) power to rock. They
lay down their electric guitars.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE HOOD CANAL - DAY
Stock
black and white footage of a submarine surfacing.
EXT.
ON THE SUBMARINE - DAY
Frick
- maddened and sweating, looking all crazy-faced - pops out of a
hatch and LAUGHS hysterically at the sky.
EXT.
A HAND-HELD REMOTE-CONTROL DEVICE - DAY
Frick
is holding a remote-control device in his hand. There is a red button
on the device. The words "TOTALLY DESTROY" are written on it.
MONTAGE
For
a few seconds, shots flash back and forth between CUs of Frick's
mad eyes, CUs of Baudelaire's mad eyes, and CUs of the button. In
the end, Frick pushes the button.
FRICK
(howling)
EAT
LEAD, SUCKER!
EXT.
THE HOOD CANAL - DAY
Stock
black and white footage of a submarine FIRING a torpedo.
EXT.
THE NOOGE'S MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
The
Nooge is jamming away on the world's most ROCKING guitar rift ever.
EXT.
THE HOOD CANAL - DAY
Stock
black and white footage of a torpedo shooting through the water.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE (SPFX) - DAY
KA-BOOOOM!!
The mud-puppy gets blown to smithereens.
EXT.
ON SUBMARINE - DAY
Frick
LAUGHS at the gods.
EXT.
IN JEEP - DAY
Fern
and Cal stare on in disbelief.
Rad
and his attorney are dumbstruck.
EXT.
HOOD CANAL BRIDGE - DAY
What's
left of the mud-puppy smolders on the bridge.
EXT.
IN MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
Emmet
stares wide-eyed and horrified.
EXT.
ON MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
Ted
Nugent hangs his head low.
A CLOSER
VIEW: TED'S FACE
A tear
forms in the eye of the Nooge. He is a sensitive man.
EXT.
THE CROWD - DAY
A great
communal WAIL arises.
EXT.
SUBMARINE - DAY
Stock
black and white footage. The submarine descends and disappears.
EXT.
THE LAMENTING CROWD - DAY
Standing
before the saddened people, the Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin composes
himself.
GUY
WITH CHIN
(shaken)
And
that, folks, brings Waka-waka-waka-wakesh's reign of terrible
terror to a terrifying end. That's right... the gig is up
for Waka-waka-waka-wakesh... but what can you do?...
EXT.
IN JEEP - DAY
Fern
and Cal shrug.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DAY
It
is raining in the rainforest. A mini mud-puppy is poking around
under some ferns. There is an earthworm nearby.
TEN-POUND
CHIN (V.O.)
And
so... until the next Apocalyptic Amphibian arises from the
muck... as our evolutionary ancestors once did millions
of years ago... just remember this America...
The
mini mud-puppy lurches forward and engulfs the earthworm. It tries
to swallow the worm.
TEN-POUND
CHIN (V.O.)
...Monsters!...
Do Not!... Exist!
The
mini mud-puppy sucks down the worm.
FADE
OUT.
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