FRICK
(looking
at Emmet as if he's an idiot - which he is)
They
don't even have tomatoes! I can't believe it. Tomatoes have
been replaced by petite packages of a processed puréed
product --
EMMET
Mmmmmmm,
ketchup!...
FRICK
I
don't want no stinkin' ketchup. I yearn for tomatoes! Ketchup
does not turn my crank. Ketchup, in fact, ruffles my feathers.
Ketchup is for the birds. What's wrong with tomatoes? Good
old-fashioned American tomatoes!?
EMMET
Oh...
here's some ketchup!
FRICK
Ketchup!
How easy! Has ketchup replaced tomatoes entirely? What does
this say about the state of the world? What does this say
about taste? What does this say about the future of the
burger?
EMMET
(offering
him a ketchup packet)
Want
some?
FRICK
(accepting
the ketchup)
I
despise ketchup. Ketchup is so casual. Just squirt it on.
But tomatoes... tomatoes take time... time to slice, time
to chew. You drink ketchup, but you eat tomatoes. Tomatoes
have substance. They're solid -- or partly solid. They crunch.
Tomatoes have fiber. And fiber is an essential part of everybody's
daily diet.
EMMET
(looking
around)
Hey...
that was the last ketchup.
FRICK
Hypothesis,
Deputy: What if they decided to start making liquid lettuce?
Huh, then what? Because that's what's going to happen. First
the tomatoes, then the lettuce. Why don't they just give
us a straw and we'll suck our burgers from a cup? That's
where we're headed! Mark my words!
EMMET
Liquid
lettuce?
FRICK
Yes.
Liquid lettuce. And onion sauce, and pickle-fluid... total
aqueous burgers! They'll start selling them in a box...
like those little juice boxes you stick a straw in and then
the juice is gone in six seconds. That's what! And all because
of tomatoes. Because we didn't make a stand. Because we
let them slip away --
The
police radio suddenly CRACKLES. The dispatcher breaks into the conversation.
POLICE
DISPATCHER (V.O.)
Attention!
Attention All Units! A monster has just been sighted --
FRICK
(furious)
Turn
that damn thing off!
Emmet
turns the radio off. They both hold a burger in front of their faces
and examine it.
CUT
TO:
INT.
FERN'S LAB - DAY
Fern
is urgently packing books and equipment into a suitcase. Her associate,
DR. ERNIE ISAAC (60 years old, white hair, pudgy) is watching her
pack.
DR.
ISAAC
(upset)
But
Fern... what about the gestation project? Our red-bellied
newts will be out of hibernation in just a few days, and
then we need to analyze the results --
FERN
Sorry
Ernie. But if you haven't heard, there's a mud-puppy the
size of a 747 tearing through the rainforest just north
of Olympia. I need to go check it out...
DR.
ISAAC
But
Fern... what about our newts? What about our commitment?
We raised them. From test tubes! How could you leave them?
Just look at them...
He
thrusts a canister toward her.
THE
CANISTER
In
the canister there are two common brown newts.
FERN
She
turns away.
DR.
ISAAC
He
continues trying to persuade her.
DR.
ISAAC
But
just look at our sleeping widdle cuties! How could you?
We did it together Fern, you and me!
(starting
to sob)
You
can't leave... what about our teeny-weeny widdle ones...
our widdle newties!?
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND DR. ISAAC
Fern
swivels toward him.
FERN
Ernie!...
I'm sorry. But I can't. I just can't. Little Sven and little
Olga will do just fine without me. Feed them with an eye-dropper,
do your best. But I... I can't stick around... I have to
go. I need more. More Ernie! Goodbye.
She
takes off her lab coat, hangs it on a chair, and walks out the door.
Dr. Isaac stares after her for a second, then breaks down WEEPING.
CUT
TO:
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DAY
Fern
is driving on the interstate, somewhat shaken up. She wipes her
eyes with her sleeve and turns on the radio. Kiss starts singing
"BETH." Fern relaxes.
Then
a V.W. van pulls up next to her, and an ECO-HIPPY sticks his dread-locked
head out the passenger window.
ECO-HIPPY
(yelling)
Hey
Lady! Save the mud-puppy! Keep it free!
Fern
waves to the eco-hippy.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE VW VAN - DAY
The
VW van accelerates and pulls ahead of Fern. There is a sign on the
back of the bus which reads "SAVE THE AMPHIBIANS!"
Then
another VW van passes her. The sign on the back of this bus reads
"SAVE YOURSELF!"
Then
another VW van passes her. The sign says "SAVE THE WORLD!"
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DAY
Fern
is perplexed. Kiss starts playing "DETROIT ROCK CITY." She looks
in her rear view mirror.
FERN'S
POV: EXT. THE HIGHWAY BEHIND HER - DAY
The
interstate is full of VW vans. They are speeding up and passing
her. ECO-HIPPIES are shouting political dogma out the windows, shaking
their militant fists at the sky.
INT.
FERN'S CAR - DAY
She
holds up her fist too, then shifts it into overdrive.
EXT.
THE HIGHWAY FROM ABOVE - DAY
We
see Fern fall in line behind a convoy of VW vans. "DETROIT ROCK
CITY" continues to play.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE TAVERN - DAY
Cal
exits the tavern and gazes indifferently up at the sky. A RUMBLING
can be heard coming closer. "DETROIT ROCK CITY" fades out.
A giant
diesel bulldozer pulls into the frame, and parks itself in front
of Cal. Two beefy HARDHAT GUYS climb down from the cab, HAR HAR
HARRING away. They exit the frame.
Cal
regards the bulldozer, then SPITS in the street. He looks around,
then leaves the frame.
EXT.
THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE - DAY
Cal
walks in. The door closes behind him.
EXT.
THE DOOR - DAY
The
wanted poster of the Eco-Sneaker is on the door.
INT.
THE GROCERY STORE - DAY
Xylophone
MUZAK is playing. Cal walks down an aisle and stops at the rice.
He picks a box of Minute Rice off the shelf, then continues walking
down the aisle.
EXT.
THE GROCERY STORE - DAY
Cal
leaves the store with a paper bag. He stops, looks around, then
continues on.
EXT.
THE BULLDOZER - DAY
WHISTLING
nonchalantly, Cal climbs up on the bulldozer, pops the hood, and
peers inside. He takes off his shirt.
THE
RADIATOR
Still
WHISTLING, Cal undoes the radiator cap with his shirt. His shirt
protects him from the steam. When the steam clears, he pours the
Minute Rice into the radiator, then puts the cap back on.
EXT.
THE BULLDOZER - DAY
Cal
closes the hood, wipes his fingerprints off with his shirt, and,
still WHISTLING, looks around. Then he climbs down and walks out
of the frame.
CUT
TO:
EXT./INT.
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF SHERIFF'S CAR - DAY
A line
of VW vans can be seen in the b.g. Frick and Emmet are trapped in
a traffic jam, drinking Big Gulps. Their cups are exaggerated in
size. Occasional HONKING can be heard.
FRICK
What
in Hades is going on? Why is traffic stopped? What are all
these deadheads doing here?
EMMET
(he
turns on the radio.)
Let's
turn on the radio.
TEN-POUND
CHIN (V.O.)
...Native
Americans, however, refer to this leviathan as Waka-waka-wakesh.
According to an elder member of the Hoh tribe interviewed
earlier today, Waka-waka-wakesh was prophesied to awake
from a long hibernation when the planet's ecology became
damaged to the point that it could not be reclaimed. Whether
or not this is true though, it cannot be told for sure...
FRICK
Bah!
What a load of superstitious ca-ca that is! Switch the station,
Deputy.
EMMET
Roger!
TEN-POUND
CHIN (V.O.)
...This
is a monster that cannot be escaped! People are fleeing
the Olympic Peninsula as fast as they can. The highways
are jammed and the ferry boats are overloaded. Local Law
Enforcement, however, is on the job!...
FRICK
Huh?...
Frick
turns toward Emmet, who is sucking intently on his Big Gulp.
EMMET'S
FACE
Emmet
is paralyzed in fear. He is chalk white. His hair is standing on
end.
FRICK'S
FACE
Seeing
this, Frick turns to see what is terrifying Emmet. Frick's mouth
drops open. More and more cars start HONKING their horns.
FRICK'S
POV: EXT. THE HIGHWAY AHEAD (SPFX) - DAY
The
oncoming lane is a stalled serpent of R.V.s and campers. Frick's
lane is an endless convoy of VW vans.
Suddenly,
like a puppet, the mud-puppy pops its head above the horizon. It's
mouth is stuffed with CUBSCOUTS. The Cubscouts are dangling out
of its mouth and stuck to its lips like alfalfa sprouts. The cubscouts
are SCREAMING. The mud-puppy chews the cubscouts up, and BELCHES.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
ATOP A MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
The
monster truck is labeled "TED NUGENT'S SUMMER HUNTING CAMP FOR KIDS."
TED
NUGENT (long hair, loin cloth, bare chest criss-crossed by two ammo
belts) suddenly jumps up on top of the truck with a machine gun.
THE
NOOGE
(howling)
THIS
IS A LITTLE DITTY FOR ALL YOU MAN-EATING ASS-KICKING HELL-RAISING
MUD-PUPPIES OF DESTRUCTION OUT THERE! IT'S CALLED THE WANGO!!
TANGO!!
The
Nooge starts FIRING away. There's gunsmoke. He grits his teeth and
bends way back, shooting from the hip. The "WANGO TANGO" by Ted
Nugent plays in the b.g.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE HIGHWAY AHEAD - DAY
The
GUNFIRE only serves to irritate the mud-puppy. The mud-puppy swats
at itself, and ROARS at the sky.
EXT.
SOME VW VANS - DAY
Doors
swing open and a bunch of ECO-HIPPIES jump out. They are all wielding
home-made signs which say things like "PEACE, MAN" and "DON'T GIVE
IN TO THE FASCIST PIGS!"
The
eco-hippies rush the Nooge.
EXT.
THE MONSTER TRUCK - DAY
Ted
Nugent goes down, amidst a flurry of anecdotes and cliches. He is
beaten by political rhetoric on a stick. Many sticks.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE HIGHWAY AHEAD (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy ROARS one last roar, the "WANGO TANGO" fizzles out, and
the mud-puppy (waggling its head like a muppet that just got bonked
on the head) drops out of sight.
EXT./INT.
THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF SHERIFF'S CAR - DAY
Frick
and Emmet watch the action. Emmet is still petrified and pale. Frick
is sucking on his Big Gulp through his straw. He gets to the bottom
and SLURPS for a bit.
FRICK
(with
determination)
Okay!
Now it's time to do something. Deputy! Get on the horn.
I want the Fire Department, the high-school football team,
all available Park Rangers, and the Association for the
Annihilation of the Spotted Owl to meet us pronto at the
Tasty Freeze! Got it!?
Emmet
doesn't do anything, except remain totally white and totally frozen.
FRICK
(grabbing
Emmet and shaking him)
Deputy!
Pull yourself together man!
(he
slaps Emmet four times across the face)
Now,
do your job!
EMMET
Emmet
holds his stinging face, and gazes askewly at Frick. A flirtatious
little grin alights on his face.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - DUSK
The
mud-puppy is ambling along, glistening with slime, weaving between
the trees. It is making whimpery NOISES.
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DUSK
Cal
is tracking the mud-puppy. He stops at a tree and examines a branch
that is obviously busted. He looks down at his feet. Slime gleams
all over the place. He mucks through the slime, following the beast.
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - EVENING
The
mud-puppy shuts its eyes and SIGHS a mud-puppy sigh. It starts to
SNORE.
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - EVENING
Cal
comes upon the mud-puppy. He watches it from behind a tree. He hears
the SINGING and CHANTING of his ancestors.
PEOPLE
OF THE TRIBE (V.O.)
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...
A CRUNCH
in the brush (O.S.) is suddenly heard.
CAL'S
FACE
His
eyes move toward the source of the crunch.
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - EVENING
It
opens one eye and also looks toward the source of the crunch.
CAL'S
FACE
His
eyes move toward the mud-puppy.
Another
CRUNCH (O.S.) is heard.
CAL
Stealthily,
he slips into the brambles.
CAL'S
POV
He
sees a WOMAN with a video camera, crouched in the brush. The woman's
back is turned toward him.
WOMAN'S
POV: THE VIDEO CAMERA
She
is readying the camera. There is a light on the camera for video-taping
at night. She switches it on.
TWO
SHOT: CAL AND THE WOMAN - EVENING
The
woman is Fern Thoreau. She is getting ready to video tape the mud-puppy
through the brambles. Cal sneaks up behind her. He places a hand
over her mouth. They struggle. Cal is stronger than her. He makes
her hold still. She is terrified.
CAL
(whispering)
Stupid
broad. Keep quiet... or we're both dead meat. Got it?
He
reaches down and turns off the light on the video camera.
He
continues to hold her.
THE
MUD-PUPPY'S FACE (SPFX)
It
closes its eye and goes back to sleep. It resumes SNORING.
TWO
SHOT: CAL AND FERN - EVENING
Cal
is still holding his hand over her mouth.
CAL
(whispering)
Promise
not to scream if I let you go?
She
nods. He lets go.
CAL
(whispering)
Come
on. Follow me.
Fern
picks up her video camera and follows him. They tip-toe out of the
frame.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
THE TASTY FREEZE - EVENING
Sheriff
Frick, with a bullhorn, is standing in front of a giant neon ice
cream cone. An ARMY of rednecks is gathered around him. Deputy Emmet
and Deputy Nooge (slightly battered, now sporting a badge on his
ammo belt) stand on the front lines.
FRICK
(picking
up loud-speaker)
Men!
We are facing a menace! But let's establish something. This
menace IS NOT a monster, this menace is ourselves!... Understand?
It isn't a monster that we face... it is our greatest nightmare
--
SOMEONE
FROM THE CROWD (O.S.)
Just
give us some guns! We can't fight ourselves without guns!
FRICK
(nodding
toward Emmet and the Nooge)
True
enough! Deputies...
TWO
SHOT: DEPUTY EMMET AND DEPUTY NUGENT
They
each have a shopping cart loaded with rifles. They start distributing
the guns amidst the rednecks.
FRICK
(O.S.)
Men,
these guns are for killing! Our nightmare must be eradicated!
Understand!? And so... with the power invested in me by
the great state of Washington, you are all hereby deputized
to help us in our cause. But remember! Since monsters DO
NOT! EXIST!, this is a delicate matter. We must not go into
this like some frothing lynch mob from some cheesy B monster
movie... we must approach this matter like we approach our
own ids. We must be like bards and troubadours -- we must
seek the core. In other words, we must be like pansy boys!
Intellectuals! Weenies! Otherwise, we are toast! Comprendez-vous?
THE
MEN
THE
MEN
(together)
Yeah,
you bet!
Right
on!
Let's
gettum!
EXT.
A TRASH CAN - EVENING
Somebody
kicks the trashcan.
EXT.
A STYROFOAM COFFEE CUP - EVENING
Somebody
crunches it in his fist.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - NIGHT
Cal
leads Fern into a clearing where there is firewood already piled
in a hearth. He bends down with a lighter and lights it. Immediately,
it ignites. They watch the flames flicker.
FERN
(approaching
him with a coy smile)
Are
we a safe distance away now?
CAL
Yeah...
FERN
So
it doesn't matter what sounds we make?
CAL
No...
FERN
Good.
Fern
acts like she's about to kiss him, then suddenly sucker-punches
him a good one in the gut.
FERN
(angry)
Stupid
broad, huh!?
CAL
(holding
his stomach, in pain)
Well...
you were making all that racket...
FERN
And
who the hell are you!? What gives you the right to sneak
up on someone and grab her in the night? I suppose you think
you own this forest huh? Just where do you get off!?
CAL
Look.
You were gonna wake it up. That light on your camera was
gonna attract it. We'd be mud-puppy chow by now if I didn't
stop you. Besides, if you wanna make home video, then do
it at home. Go back to your suburb. Stop messing with a
creature you know nothing about...
FERN
Oh,
and why is your purpose out here more important than mine?
Maybe you're the one who's messing with a creature you don't
know anything about!
CAL
(recognizing
her)
Awwww
man! You're that chick from t.v. --
FERN
I'm
not a chick! I'm a scientist, and my specialty is amphibians.
I am here to find out why that mud-puppy is here...
CAL
Well
I'll tell you this... your Science isn't gonna help you
here doc. That mud-puppy out there... he's been here for
millenniums. He's nothing new -- just new to you. And if
you're looking for answers through Science... you can just
forget it. Science doesn't count out here baby! This is
the Freaking End!
FERN
I'll
be the judge of that. Who are you... Mr. Anti-Science!?
Mr. Nature Boy!? Mr. I-Know-That-Mud-Puppy-Better-Than-You-Because-It's-Part-of-My-Heritage-and-Not-Yours!?
Is that who you are?
CAL
Basically...
yeah.
FERN
(suddenly
softening)
So
then... what's your purpose?
CAL
I
dunno...
FERN
Whatta
ya mean you don't know?
CAL
I'm
just out here checking it out...
FERN
Bull!
CAL
Whatta
ya mean Bull?
FERN
You're
here for the same reason I am.
CAL
And
what's that?
FERN
You're
a fool.
CAL
I
am?
FERN
Yes.
You're a fool. Because here's this giant mud-puppy... it's
going around grubbing up people with a vengeance... it's
eating cubscouts, tourists, campers, hikers, fishermen,
nudists... it's doing all this which is horrendous... supposedly...
and you're out here trying to save it. You're trying to
save it because there's something in it that's also in you.
And that's why you're a fool.
CAL
Oh.
Okay. I'm a fool for trying. But you're trying to save it
too -- despite its bloodthirsty reputation.
FERN
Yes.
It's a scientific phenomenon. There are answers --
CAL
Not
the kind of answers you're looking for.
They
stare at each other for a moment.
FERN
You
live around here?
CAL
Maybe...
FERN
Well
let's get going. I'm not going to hunker over this stupid
campfire all night long.
Cal
kicks out the fire and they exit the frame. Owls HOOT O.S.
DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT.
OUTSIDE A TRAILER COURT - MORNING
Lead
by Sheriff Frick, Deputy Emmet and Deputy Nugent, the redneck MOB,
armed with torches and guns, storms toward "THE NATIONAL FOREST,"
clearly marked by a sign with an arrow.
MOB
(in
a frenzy)
Down
with Neurosis!
Rub
Out Personal Demons!
Monsters!
Do Not! Exist!
CUT
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING
Cal
and Fern awake from the CRIES of the crowd, passing outside. Fern
is on the couch, and Cal is in a big overstuffed chair.
CAL
(annoyed)
You
snore.
FERN
Yeah?...
well you fart.
CAL
I
never fart.
FERN
Yes
you do. All night long. Fart fart fart! What're ya... born
in a barn or something?
CAL
And
what're you... born in a... a...
(he
can't find an analogy)
...a snoring factory?
FERN
(rolling
her eyeballs,
throwing
off her covers)
Oh...
real clever!... What's all the commotion about anyway?
CAL
(getting
up, opening the curtains)
Just
your run-of-the-mill mob mentality...
CAL
AND FERN'S POV: THE MOB - MORNING
The
mob is stomping past the trailer park.
(MOB
enraged)
Kill
the Idea at it's Core!
Take
Back the Intangible!
A
Pox on What is Real!
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING
They
are both looking out the window.
CAL
Hey,
isn't that the Motor City Madman himself?
FERN
You
mean Ted Nugent, the wild-man?
CAL
Yeah.
The Nooge.
FERN
Looks
like him.
CAL
(after
a pause)
Look...
I don't have anything to eat here. If you want something
for breakfast, then you're gonna have to go out and get
it.
FERN
You've
gotta lousy attitude Mister. And just for that, maybe I'll
stay the weekend!
She
makes herself comfortable on the couch.
CAL
Great.
Just great. I mean... what's your deal lady? I don't want
you here... you don't wanna be here... so why dontchya just
go be a burden on somebody else? I've got things I gotta
do... ya know?
FERN
What?
What do you have to do? What could be more important than
a mega-ton mud-puppy on its way toward a major population
center, and it's hungry as hell? No doubt, it just woke
up from hibernation. And you know what that means... it
needs fuel. And since it's attracted to movement, it's heading
toward movement. And movement is heading toward it.
CAL
Well
movement's gonna get its ass kicked.
FERN
This
place is a mess. You think I wanna stay in this swill-hole?
CAL
Getta
motel then...
FERN
Nope.
CAL
Why?
Why are you bugging me lady?
FERN
Don't
you find me attractive?
CAL
(mocking
her)
Don't
you find me attractive?...
(then
suddenly, with emotion)
No
lady! I don't find you attractive! In fact, you're the most
unattractive woman I ever met!
FERN
Good.
Then we won't have to worry about you trying to put the
moves on me. This'll make it easier to work together. There
won't be any stupid romantic dynamics getting in our way
because YOU are trying to get some action!
Cal
is speechless. He doesn't know how to react.
FERN
Now
go get us some donuts. I buy, you fly!
She
crumples up a five-dollar bill and throws it at his feet.
CAL'S
FACE
Cal
just stares at the crumpled-up bill. And then he starts to smirk
- but just a little bit. He bends over and picks the wad up. Then
leaves the trailer.
FERN
And
No Crullers! Don't you dare get crullers! If you get crullers...
I'll have to kill you!
EXT.
CAL'S TRAILER COURT - MORNING
He
starts walking up the street, MUTTERING to himself.
CUT
TO:
INSERT
BINOCULARS FRAME: EXT. THE MUD-PUPPY - DAY
The
mud-puppy is lying on its back like a dog with its belly in the
air. It seems to be enjoying the dewful morning moist.
FRICK
(O.S.)
Thar
she blows! The manifestation of our darkest desires... the
great begooed adolescent salamander of our combined consciousness.
And it's ass, Gentlemen... is grass!
THREE
SHOT: FRICK, EMMET, AND TED NUGENT - DAY
The
three men are leaning on a humongous fallen tree, looking through
binoculars.
THE
NOOGE
(speaking
swiftly)
Whooaa
baby -- I say I say I say -- you know there's not nobody
-- I say I say -- there ain't nobody here that wants to
be the least bit mellow now is there? Anybody wants to get
mellow can just turn around and get the --
FRICK
(interrupting;
turning toward his men, working them up)
Okay
Men! The time has come! The time has come to face ourselves
in a strange and unfamiliar form! The time has come to,
essentially, confront our inner pteradacytyles... To transcend
the dogma of our neural fetters... To come out, cross over,
cut through! Confront! Deal! And do the best we can! As
men! Sensitive Men!
SHERIFF
FRICK'S POV
The
Men CHEER, stabbing the air with their torches and guns.
SHERIFF
FRICK
FRICK
Yes,
we are! We are men! And we are strong! We hurt, but we also
love! We may not know how to love, or who to love, but oh
yes, we love! We love our children, we love ourselves! We
love our trucks, we love our guns! Some of us even love
our wives! We love! We Love!
SHERIFF
FRICK'S POV
The
Men CHEER again.
MEN
(together)
Love!
Love!
We
Love!
SHERIFF
FRICK
He
holds up a pump-action shotgun, PUMPS it once, then continues.
FRICK
So...
Let's Kill! For the sake of love, Men, let's kill that ugly
sonuvabitch!
THE
NOOGE
(howling
like a maniac,
waving
two machine guns above his head)
YAAAAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!
FRICK
CHARGE!
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DAY
The
men, lead by the Nooge, charge, BELLOWING like barbarians.
THE
NOOGE
Cover
Me! I'm Going In! I say I say I say -- I'm Going In!
ANOTHER
ANGLE (SPFX) - DAY
SCREAMING
unintelligibly (like Rambo with a mouth full of novocaine) the Nooge
runs right up to the mud-puppy's face and unleashes all the fury
of both machine guns into the creature's kisser. Manic GUNFIRE.
TED
NUGENT
His
body wracks with the shock of both barrels BLAZING AWAY, spewing
smoke. Spittle flies from his mouth, sweat pours down his torso.
He goes gonzo on the mud-puppy. Then suddenly, he runs out of ammunition.
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - DAY
It
smiles a goofy grin.
THE
MEN
They
shout encouragement to the Nooge.
MEN
You
got him, Man!
Yeah,
take him down, Buddy!
He's
all yours!
Give
him the business!
THE
NOOGE
He
looks at the men, then back at the mud-puppy above him - then lets
rip with a blood-curdling concert-rocking WAR-CRY that goes like
this:
THE
NOOGE
(yowling)
YOU
WANT A PIECE OF THIS MAN!? You Want a Piece of Me!? Well
Fine with Me -- But You're Gonna Have to Have a Piece of
this First!
Out
of nowhere, he produces a hand-grenade, pulls the pin with his teeth,
hauls back, lets fly, and shouts...
THE
NOOGE
BITE
ON THIS, LOVER!...
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DAY
An
EXPLOSION obscures the mud-puppy's smiling face.
ANOTHER
ANGLE
As
the explosion continues to expand, the Nooge, wielding nothing but
a hatchet, howls "WANG!! DANG!! SWEET POON-TANG!!" then leaps into
the inferno with arms outstretched.
TWO
SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET - DAY
Both
their chins drop. They look at each other in awe.
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - DAY
There
is silence. The smoke starts to clear.
The
mud-puppy becomes visible again. It is still smiling.
The
Nooge, however, is clinging to one of its gills.
THE
NOOGE
The
Nooge is going to town, striking the mud-puppy over and over again
with the hatchet.
THE
MEN
Seeing
this, they let rip a communal "YEEEEEEE-HAAWWWWWW!!", drop to their
knees, and start FIRING away.
TWO
SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET
They
stand next to each other, punching at the air.
FRICK
Get
him! Get that stinking stinker! Make that monster rue the
day!
EMMET
Yeah,
yeah! Rue the day!
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - DAY
The
mud-puppy releases a SQUEAL that sounds like a pig getting slaughtered.
It starts thrashing its head in a frenzy.
The
Nooge can't hold on. He goes flying off and into the ozone, SCREAMING
his song as he disappears, turning into a dot in the distance.
THE
NOOGE
HE
WAS THE LEADER OF THE LAND, BABEEEEEE!....
CUT
TO:
INT.
DONUT SHOP - DAY
Cal
is ordering donuts.
CAL
A
dozen crullers...
DONUT
BOY
(over-zealous)
Excellent
choice! Howabout a Mountain Dew with that?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Croissant?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Blueberry
fritter?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Lottery
ticket?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Discount
coupon book
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Action
figure?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Magazine
subscription?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Clock
radio?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Chapstick?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Anacin?
CAL
No.
DONUT
BOY
Tylenol?
CAL'S
HAGGARD FACE
There
are dark circles beneath his eyes. He is considering a Tylenol.
CAL
(extremely
tired)
Yeah...
gimme a Tylenol.
CUT
TO:
EXT.
THE RAINFOREST - DAY
Waka-waka-waka-wakesh,
ROARING ferociously, is battling the men. Lots of GUNFIRE. The bullets
do nothing except infuriate the mud-puppy even more.
MEN
Take
That, Ya Big Dumb Waterdog!
Yeah!
Kiss my Grits!
Yeah!
We're the Disease and You're the Cure!
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX)
It
rolls its eyes toward the sky, strikes a contemplative pose, then
releases a long noodling YODELING SOUND.
THE
MEN
They
look at each other in confusion.
THE
MUD-PUPPY (SPFX)
It
smiles, then lashes out with its tail. Its tail goes SMASHING through
the forest, smacking down trees, then plows into the men, smearing
them all to death in one single blow.
TWO
SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET
From
a distance, they see the destruction.
FRICK
(like
Homer Simpson)
Doh!
CUT
TO:
INT.
CAL'S TRAILER HOME - DAY
Cal
returns with donuts to find Fern dissecting a mud-puppy on his kitchen
table.
CAL
What
are you doing?
FERN
It
wouldn't make any sense to you.
Cal
looks over her shoulder.
THE
MUD-PUPPY
It's
just a little sucker. It's strapped down to a cutting board and
there's a very sharp scalpel lying next to it. Fern has inscribed
a dotted line down its belly with a red marker.
CAL
Look,
don't come in here, take over my house, commit cold-blooded
murder on my kitchen table... and then insult me.
FERN
I'm
looking into the possibilities of glands. Maybe this little
mud-puppy's glands can tell us something about that big
mud-puppy's glands...
CAL
You're
still trying to isolate a single physical medical cause...
aren't you? But it's like I toldjya before... your Science
isn't going to tell you what you want to know. Besides,
you're looking in the wrong direction.
FERN
(looking
up)
Wrong
direction?
CAL
Yeah.
I mean... who cares what Science thinks about this? The
problem isn't why Waka-waka-waka-wakesh is so huge...
the problem isn't even in Waka-waka-waka-wakesh at all.
The problem is in the other direction.
(A
pause.)
Look,
if you want to find an explanation, don't look at glands.
Look at what can be done -- if anything -- Now!
FERN
Waka-waka-wakesh?
CAL
No.
Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh.
FERN
You're
so full of suggestions... but none in particular. You make
about as much sense as a haiku. Like one of those stupid
little haikus they used to give you in school, then tell
me you figure out. Which is why I became a scientist instead.
Haikus are not my department, Cal. So why don't you just
cut the crap and tell me what you've got?
CAL
Donuts.
He
places the box in front of her.
FERN
(warning
him)
If
they're crullers...
CAL
What?
You'll stab me with that knife? You'll cry? You'll throw
a temper tantrum? You'll leave? What?
FERN
(hesitating,
then regarding him
out
of the corner of her eye)
I
don't think I'll have any.
CAL
C'mon.
You bullied me into going and getting them, so I went out
and got them. So open up the box.
FERN
Just
to see 12 crullers staring back at me. No thanks Buster.
CAL
You're
not going to open the box?
FERN
Maybe
the point of sending you out for donuts had nothing to do
with donuts in the first place?
CAL
What's
that sposed to mean? Are you playing some sorta mind game
with me?
FERN
Are
you playing some sorta mind game with me?
CAL
Are
you going to open the box?
FERN
Are
you going to tell me about Waka-waka-waka-wakesh?
Cal
doesn't answer. He picks up the donut box, walks to the window,
and throws the whole box out.
They
SNARL at each other.
Cal
walks over to the t.v., switches it on, then plops down on the couch.
ON
T.V.: THE SIGHT OF THE RECENT MASSACRE - DAY
The
Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing in the f.g. MEN with stretchers
are carrying bodies away in b.g.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
This
just in folks! Monster Madness! Mud-puppy Mania! Carnage!
Death! Waka-waka-wakesh has struck again!...
TWO
SHOT: FERN AND CAL - DAY
They
are watching t.v.
FERN
and CAL
(together)
Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh!
ON
T.V.: TEN-POUND CHIN GUY - DAY
TEN-POUND
CHIN
Oh...
sorry. Anyway, this morning's assault, led by local Law
Enforcement, was a complete wash-out. The President has
been notified. The Pentagon...
FRICK
(suddenly
butting in)
Won't
do a Gosh Darn thing! This is a local matter, and we will
continue to handle this matter ourselves. Locally! Everything
is under control.
TEN-POUND
CHIN
But
clearly Sheriff Frick, local Law Enforcement isn't up to
the task. Just 16 miles to the South, the severely broken
body of rockstar Theodore Nugent was found earlier this
morning. Hundreds are dead. Are we to believe that there
isn't a threat?... And how can you assure us that our safety
isn't at risk?...
FRICK
Well...
I've just called in the National Guard. We're gonna wipe
that monster out!...
(experiencing
an inner conflict)
No!
There are no monsters! No Monsters!
(composing
himself)
But
we're gonna wipe it out anyway! If it's the last thing I
do!
Continued
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