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Attack of the Killer Mud-Puppy
a low-budget monster movie screenplay by Baron Von Bratwurst

 

FRICK

(looking at Emmet as if he's an idiot - which he is)

They don't even have tomatoes! I can't believe it. Tomatoes have been replaced by petite packages of a processed puréed product --

EMMET

Mmmmmmm, ketchup!...

FRICK

I don't want no stinkin' ketchup. I yearn for tomatoes! Ketchup does not turn my crank. Ketchup, in fact, ruffles my feathers. Ketchup is for the birds. What's wrong with tomatoes? Good old-fashioned American tomatoes!?

EMMET

Oh... here's some ketchup!

FRICK

Ketchup! How easy! Has ketchup replaced tomatoes entirely? What does this say about the state of the world? What does this say about taste? What does this say about the future of the burger?

EMMET

(offering him a ketchup packet)

Want some?

FRICK

(accepting the ketchup)

I despise ketchup. Ketchup is so casual. Just squirt it on. But tomatoes... tomatoes take time... time to slice, time to chew. You drink ketchup, but you eat tomatoes. Tomatoes have substance. They're solid -- or partly solid. They crunch. Tomatoes have fiber. And fiber is an essential part of everybody's daily diet.

EMMET

(looking around)

Hey... that was the last ketchup.

 

FRICK

Hypothesis, Deputy: What if they decided to start making liquid lettuce? Huh, then what? Because that's what's going to happen. First the tomatoes, then the lettuce. Why don't they just give us a straw and we'll suck our burgers from a cup? That's where we're headed! Mark my words!

EMMET

Liquid lettuce?

FRICK

Yes. Liquid lettuce. And onion sauce, and pickle-fluid... total aqueous burgers! They'll start selling them in a box... like those little juice boxes you stick a straw in and then the juice is gone in six seconds. That's what! And all because of tomatoes. Because we didn't make a stand. Because we let them slip away --

The police radio suddenly CRACKLES. The dispatcher breaks into the conversation.

POLICE DISPATCHER (V.O.)

Attention! Attention All Units! A monster has just been sighted --

FRICK

(furious)

Turn that damn thing off!

Emmet turns the radio off. They both hold a burger in front of their faces and examine it.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. FERN'S LAB - DAY

Fern is urgently packing books and equipment into a suitcase. Her associate, DR. ERNIE ISAAC (60 years old, white hair, pudgy) is watching her pack.

DR. ISAAC

(upset)

But Fern... what about the gestation project? Our red-bellied newts will be out of hibernation in just a few days, and then we need to analyze the results --

FERN

Sorry Ernie. But if you haven't heard, there's a mud-puppy the size of a 747 tearing through the rainforest just north of Olympia. I need to go check it out...

DR. ISAAC

But Fern... what about our newts? What about our commitment? We raised them. From test tubes! How could you leave them? Just look at them...

He thrusts a canister toward her.

 

THE CANISTER

In the canister there are two common brown newts.

 

FERN

She turns away.

 

DR. ISAAC

He continues trying to persuade her.

DR. ISAAC

But just look at our sleeping widdle cuties! How could you? We did it together Fern, you and me!

(starting to sob)

You can't leave... what about our teeny-weeny widdle ones... our widdle newties!?

TWO SHOT: FERN AND DR. ISAAC

Fern swivels toward him.

FERN

Ernie!... I'm sorry. But I can't. I just can't. Little Sven and little Olga will do just fine without me. Feed them with an eye-dropper, do your best. But I... I can't stick around... I have to go. I need more. More Ernie! Goodbye.

She takes off her lab coat, hangs it on a chair, and walks out the door. Dr. Isaac stares after her for a second, then breaks down WEEPING.

 

CUT TO:

 

INT. FERN'S CAR - DAY

Fern is driving on the interstate, somewhat shaken up. She wipes her eyes with her sleeve and turns on the radio. Kiss starts singing "BETH." Fern relaxes.

Then a V.W. van pulls up next to her, and an ECO-HIPPY sticks his dread-locked head out the passenger window.

ECO-HIPPY

(yelling)

Hey Lady! Save the mud-puppy! Keep it free!

Fern waves to the eco-hippy.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE VW VAN - DAY

The VW van accelerates and pulls ahead of Fern. There is a sign on the back of the bus which reads "SAVE THE AMPHIBIANS!"

Then another VW van passes her. The sign on the back of this bus reads "SAVE YOURSELF!"

Then another VW van passes her. The sign says "SAVE THE WORLD!"

 

INT. FERN'S CAR - DAY

Fern is perplexed. Kiss starts playing "DETROIT ROCK CITY." She looks in her rear view mirror.

 

FERN'S POV: EXT. THE HIGHWAY BEHIND HER - DAY

The interstate is full of VW vans. They are speeding up and passing her. ECO-HIPPIES are shouting political dogma out the windows, shaking their militant fists at the sky.

 

INT. FERN'S CAR - DAY

She holds up her fist too, then shifts it into overdrive.

 

EXT. THE HIGHWAY FROM ABOVE - DAY

We see Fern fall in line behind a convoy of VW vans. "DETROIT ROCK CITY" continues to play.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE TAVERN - DAY

Cal exits the tavern and gazes indifferently up at the sky. A RUMBLING can be heard coming closer. "DETROIT ROCK CITY" fades out.

A giant diesel bulldozer pulls into the frame, and parks itself in front of Cal. Two beefy HARDHAT GUYS climb down from the cab, HAR HAR HARRING away. They exit the frame.

Cal regards the bulldozer, then SPITS in the street. He looks around, then leaves the frame.

 

EXT. THE LOCAL GROCERY STORE - DAY

Cal walks in. The door closes behind him.

 

EXT. THE DOOR - DAY

The wanted poster of the Eco-Sneaker is on the door.

 

INT. THE GROCERY STORE - DAY

Xylophone MUZAK is playing. Cal walks down an aisle and stops at the rice. He picks a box of Minute Rice off the shelf, then continues walking down the aisle.

 

EXT. THE GROCERY STORE - DAY

Cal leaves the store with a paper bag. He stops, looks around, then continues on.

 

EXT. THE BULLDOZER - DAY

WHISTLING nonchalantly, Cal climbs up on the bulldozer, pops the hood, and peers inside. He takes off his shirt.

 

THE RADIATOR

Still WHISTLING, Cal undoes the radiator cap with his shirt. His shirt protects him from the steam. When the steam clears, he pours the Minute Rice into the radiator, then puts the cap back on.

 

EXT. THE BULLDOZER - DAY

Cal closes the hood, wipes his fingerprints off with his shirt, and, still WHISTLING, looks around. Then he climbs down and walks out of the frame.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT./INT. THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF SHERIFF'S CAR - DAY

A line of VW vans can be seen in the b.g. Frick and Emmet are trapped in a traffic jam, drinking Big Gulps. Their cups are exaggerated in size. Occasional HONKING can be heard.

FRICK

What in Hades is going on? Why is traffic stopped? What are all these deadheads doing here?

EMMET

(he turns on the radio.)

Let's turn on the radio.

TEN-POUND CHIN (V.O.)

...Native Americans, however, refer to this leviathan as Waka-waka-wakesh. According to an elder member of the Hoh tribe interviewed earlier today, Waka-waka-wakesh was prophesied to awake from a long hibernation when the planet's ecology became damaged to the point that it could not be reclaimed. Whether or not this is true though, it cannot be told for sure...

FRICK

Bah! What a load of superstitious ca-ca that is! Switch the station, Deputy.

EMMET

Roger!

 

TEN-POUND CHIN (V.O.)

...This is a monster that cannot be escaped! People are fleeing the Olympic Peninsula as fast as they can. The highways are jammed and the ferry boats are overloaded. Local Law Enforcement, however, is on the job!...

FRICK

Huh?...

Frick turns toward Emmet, who is sucking intently on his Big Gulp.

 

EMMET'S FACE

Emmet is paralyzed in fear. He is chalk white. His hair is standing on end.

 

FRICK'S FACE

Seeing this, Frick turns to see what is terrifying Emmet. Frick's mouth drops open. More and more cars start HONKING their horns.

 

FRICK'S POV: EXT. THE HIGHWAY AHEAD (SPFX) - DAY

The oncoming lane is a stalled serpent of R.V.s and campers. Frick's lane is an endless convoy of VW vans.

Suddenly, like a puppet, the mud-puppy pops its head above the horizon. It's mouth is stuffed with CUBSCOUTS. The Cubscouts are dangling out of its mouth and stuck to its lips like alfalfa sprouts. The cubscouts are SCREAMING. The mud-puppy chews the cubscouts up, and BELCHES.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. ATOP A MONSTER TRUCK - DAY

The monster truck is labeled "TED NUGENT'S SUMMER HUNTING CAMP FOR KIDS."

TED NUGENT (long hair, loin cloth, bare chest criss-crossed by two ammo belts) suddenly jumps up on top of the truck with a machine gun.

THE NOOGE

(howling)

THIS IS A LITTLE DITTY FOR ALL YOU MAN-EATING ASS-KICKING HELL-RAISING MUD-PUPPIES OF DESTRUCTION OUT THERE! IT'S CALLED THE WANGO!! TANGO!!

The Nooge starts FIRING away. There's gunsmoke. He grits his teeth and bends way back, shooting from the hip. The "WANGO TANGO" by Ted Nugent plays in the b.g.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE HIGHWAY AHEAD - DAY

The GUNFIRE only serves to irritate the mud-puppy. The mud-puppy swats at itself, and ROARS at the sky.

 

EXT. SOME VW VANS - DAY

Doors swing open and a bunch of ECO-HIPPIES jump out. They are all wielding home-made signs which say things like "PEACE, MAN" and "DON'T GIVE IN TO THE FASCIST PIGS!"

The eco-hippies rush the Nooge.

 

EXT. THE MONSTER TRUCK - DAY

Ted Nugent goes down, amidst a flurry of anecdotes and cliches. He is beaten by political rhetoric on a stick. Many sticks.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE HIGHWAY AHEAD (SPFX) - DAY

The mud-puppy ROARS one last roar, the "WANGO TANGO" fizzles out, and the mud-puppy (waggling its head like a muppet that just got bonked on the head) drops out of sight.

 

EXT./INT. THROUGH WINDSHIELD OF SHERIFF'S CAR - DAY

Frick and Emmet watch the action. Emmet is still petrified and pale. Frick is sucking on his Big Gulp through his straw. He gets to the bottom and SLURPS for a bit.

FRICK

(with determination)

Okay! Now it's time to do something. Deputy! Get on the horn. I want the Fire Department, the high-school football team, all available Park Rangers, and the Association for the Annihilation of the Spotted Owl to meet us pronto at the Tasty Freeze! Got it!?

Emmet doesn't do anything, except remain totally white and totally frozen.

FRICK

(grabbing Emmet and shaking him)

Deputy! Pull yourself together man!

(he slaps Emmet four times across the face)

Now, do your job!

EMMET

Emmet holds his stinging face, and gazes askewly at Frick. A flirtatious little grin alights on his face.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - DUSK

The mud-puppy is ambling along, glistening with slime, weaving between the trees. It is making whimpery NOISES.

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - DUSK

Cal is tracking the mud-puppy. He stops at a tree and examines a branch that is obviously busted. He looks down at his feet. Slime gleams all over the place. He mucks through the slime, following the beast.

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - EVENING

The mud-puppy shuts its eyes and SIGHS a mud-puppy sigh. It starts to SNORE.

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - EVENING

Cal comes upon the mud-puppy. He watches it from behind a tree. He hears the SINGING and CHANTING of his ancestors.

PEOPLE OF THE TRIBE (V.O.)

Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...

Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...

Waka-waka-waka-wakesh!...

A CRUNCH in the brush (O.S.) is suddenly heard.

 

CAL'S FACE

His eyes move toward the source of the crunch.

 

THE MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - EVENING

It opens one eye and also looks toward the source of the crunch.

 

CAL'S FACE

His eyes move toward the mud-puppy.

Another CRUNCH (O.S.) is heard.

 

CAL

Stealthily, he slips into the brambles.

 

CAL'S POV

He sees a WOMAN with a video camera, crouched in the brush. The woman's back is turned toward him.

 

WOMAN'S POV: THE VIDEO CAMERA

She is readying the camera. There is a light on the camera for video-taping at night. She switches it on.

 

TWO SHOT: CAL AND THE WOMAN - EVENING

The woman is Fern Thoreau. She is getting ready to video tape the mud-puppy through the brambles. Cal sneaks up behind her. He places a hand over her mouth. They struggle. Cal is stronger than her. He makes her hold still. She is terrified.

CAL

(whispering)

Stupid broad. Keep quiet... or we're both dead meat. Got it?

He reaches down and turns off the light on the video camera.

He continues to hold her.

 

THE MUD-PUPPY'S FACE (SPFX)

It closes its eye and goes back to sleep. It resumes SNORING.

 

TWO SHOT: CAL AND FERN - EVENING

Cal is still holding his hand over her mouth.

CAL

(whispering)

Promise not to scream if I let you go?

She nods. He lets go.

CAL

(whispering)

Come on. Follow me.

Fern picks up her video camera and follows him. They tip-toe out of the frame.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

EXT. THE TASTY FREEZE - EVENING

Sheriff Frick, with a bullhorn, is standing in front of a giant neon ice cream cone. An ARMY of rednecks is gathered around him. Deputy Emmet and Deputy Nooge (slightly battered, now sporting a badge on his ammo belt) stand on the front lines.

FRICK

(picking up loud-speaker)

Men! We are facing a menace! But let's establish something. This menace IS NOT a monster, this menace is ourselves!... Understand? It isn't a monster that we face... it is our greatest nightmare --

SOMEONE FROM THE CROWD (O.S.)

Just give us some guns! We can't fight ourselves without guns!

FRICK

(nodding toward Emmet and the Nooge)

True enough! Deputies...

TWO SHOT: DEPUTY EMMET AND DEPUTY NUGENT

They each have a shopping cart loaded with rifles. They start distributing the guns amidst the rednecks.

FRICK (O.S.)

Men, these guns are for killing! Our nightmare must be eradicated! Understand!? And so... with the power invested in me by the great state of Washington, you are all hereby deputized to help us in our cause. But remember! Since monsters DO NOT! EXIST!, this is a delicate matter. We must not go into this like some frothing lynch mob from some cheesy B monster movie... we must approach this matter like we approach our own ids. We must be like bards and troubadours -- we must seek the core. In other words, we must be like pansy boys! Intellectuals! Weenies! Otherwise, we are toast! Comprendez-vous?

 

THE MEN

THE MEN

(together)

Yeah, you bet!

Right on!

Let's gettum!

EXT. A TRASH CAN - EVENING

Somebody kicks the trashcan.

 

EXT. A STYROFOAM COFFEE CUP - EVENING

Somebody crunches it in his fist.

 

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - NIGHT

Cal leads Fern into a clearing where there is firewood already piled in a hearth. He bends down with a lighter and lights it. Immediately, it ignites. They watch the flames flicker.

FERN

(approaching him with a coy smile)

Are we a safe distance away now?

CAL

Yeah...

FERN

So it doesn't matter what sounds we make?

CAL

No...

FERN

Good.

Fern acts like she's about to kiss him, then suddenly sucker-punches him a good one in the gut.

FERN

(angry)

Stupid broad, huh!?

 

CAL

(holding his stomach, in pain)

Well... you were making all that racket...

FERN

And who the hell are you!? What gives you the right to sneak up on someone and grab her in the night? I suppose you think you own this forest huh? Just where do you get off!?

CAL

Look. You were gonna wake it up. That light on your camera was gonna attract it. We'd be mud-puppy chow by now if I didn't stop you. Besides, if you wanna make home video, then do it at home. Go back to your suburb. Stop messing with a creature you know nothing about...

FERN

Oh, and why is your purpose out here more important than mine? Maybe you're the one who's messing with a creature you don't know anything about!

CAL

(recognizing her)

Awwww man! You're that chick from t.v. --

FERN

I'm not a chick! I'm a scientist, and my specialty is amphibians. I am here to find out why that mud-puppy is here...

CAL

Well I'll tell you this... your Science isn't gonna help you here doc. That mud-puppy out there... he's been here for millenniums. He's nothing new -- just new to you. And if you're looking for answers through Science... you can just forget it. Science doesn't count out here baby! This is the Freaking End!

FERN

I'll be the judge of that. Who are you... Mr. Anti-Science!? Mr. Nature Boy!? Mr. I-Know-That-Mud-Puppy-Better-Than-You-Because-It's-Part-of-My-Heritage-and-Not-Yours!? Is that who you are?

CAL

Basically... yeah.

FERN

(suddenly softening)

So then... what's your purpose?

CAL

I dunno...

FERN

Whatta ya mean you don't know?

CAL

I'm just out here checking it out...

FERN

Bull!

CAL

Whatta ya mean Bull?

FERN

You're here for the same reason I am.

CAL

And what's that?

FERN

You're a fool.

CAL

I am?

FERN

Yes. You're a fool. Because here's this giant mud-puppy... it's going around grubbing up people with a vengeance... it's eating cubscouts, tourists, campers, hikers, fishermen, nudists... it's doing all this which is horrendous... supposedly... and you're out here trying to save it. You're trying to save it because there's something in it that's also in you. And that's why you're a fool.

 

CAL

Oh. Okay. I'm a fool for trying. But you're trying to save it too -- despite its bloodthirsty reputation.

FERN

Yes. It's a scientific phenomenon. There are answers --

CAL

Not the kind of answers you're looking for.

They stare at each other for a moment.

FERN

You live around here?

CAL

Maybe...

FERN

Well let's get going. I'm not going to hunker over this stupid campfire all night long.

Cal kicks out the fire and they exit the frame. Owls HOOT O.S.

 

DISSOLVE TO:

 

EXT. OUTSIDE A TRAILER COURT - MORNING

Lead by Sheriff Frick, Deputy Emmet and Deputy Nugent, the redneck MOB, armed with torches and guns, storms toward "THE NATIONAL FOREST," clearly marked by a sign with an arrow.

MOB

(in a frenzy)

Down with Neurosis!

Rub Out Personal Demons!

Monsters! Do Not! Exist!

CUT TO:

 

INT. CAL'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING

Cal and Fern awake from the CRIES of the crowd, passing outside. Fern is on the couch, and Cal is in a big overstuffed chair.

CAL

(annoyed)

You snore.

FERN

Yeah?... well you fart.

CAL

I never fart.

FERN

Yes you do. All night long. Fart fart fart! What're ya... born in a barn or something?

CAL

And what're you... born in a... a...

(he can't find an analogy)

...a snoring factory?

FERN

(rolling her eyeballs,

throwing off her covers)

Oh... real clever!... What's all the commotion about anyway?

CAL

(getting up, opening the curtains)

Just your run-of-the-mill mob mentality...

CAL AND FERN'S POV: THE MOB - MORNING

The mob is stomping past the trailer park.

(MOB

enraged)

Kill the Idea at it's Core!

Take Back the Intangible!

A Pox on What is Real!

INT. CAL'S TRAILER HOME - MORNING

They are both looking out the window.

CAL

Hey, isn't that the Motor City Madman himself?

 

FERN

You mean Ted Nugent, the wild-man?

CAL

Yeah. The Nooge.

FERN

Looks like him.

CAL

(after a pause)

Look... I don't have anything to eat here. If you want something for breakfast, then you're gonna have to go out and get it.

FERN

You've gotta lousy attitude Mister. And just for that, maybe I'll stay the weekend!

She makes herself comfortable on the couch.

 

CAL

Great. Just great. I mean... what's your deal lady? I don't want you here... you don't wanna be here... so why dontchya just go be a burden on somebody else? I've got things I gotta do... ya know?

FERN

What? What do you have to do? What could be more important than a mega-ton mud-puppy on its way toward a major population center, and it's hungry as hell? No doubt, it just woke up from hibernation. And you know what that means... it needs fuel. And since it's attracted to movement, it's heading toward movement. And movement is heading toward it.

CAL

Well movement's gonna get its ass kicked.

FERN

This place is a mess. You think I wanna stay in this swill-hole?

CAL

Getta motel then...

 

FERN

Nope.

CAL

Why? Why are you bugging me lady?

FERN

Don't you find me attractive?

CAL

(mocking her)

Don't you find me attractive?...

(then suddenly, with emotion)

No lady! I don't find you attractive! In fact, you're the most unattractive woman I ever met!

FERN

Good. Then we won't have to worry about you trying to put the moves on me. This'll make it easier to work together. There won't be any stupid romantic dynamics getting in our way because YOU are trying to get some action!

Cal is speechless. He doesn't know how to react.

FERN

Now go get us some donuts. I buy, you fly!

She crumples up a five-dollar bill and throws it at his feet.

 

CAL'S FACE

Cal just stares at the crumpled-up bill. And then he starts to smirk - but just a little bit. He bends over and picks the wad up. Then leaves the trailer.

FERN

And No Crullers! Don't you dare get crullers! If you get crullers... I'll have to kill you!

EXT. CAL'S TRAILER COURT - MORNING

He starts walking up the street, MUTTERING to himself.

 

CUT TO:

 

INSERT BINOCULARS FRAME: EXT. THE MUD-PUPPY - DAY

The mud-puppy is lying on its back like a dog with its belly in the air. It seems to be enjoying the dewful morning moist.

FRICK (O.S.)

Thar she blows! The manifestation of our darkest desires... the great begooed adolescent salamander of our combined consciousness. And it's ass, Gentlemen... is grass!

THREE SHOT: FRICK, EMMET, AND TED NUGENT - DAY

The three men are leaning on a humongous fallen tree, looking through binoculars.

THE NOOGE

(speaking swiftly)

Whooaa baby -- I say I say I say -- you know there's not nobody -- I say I say -- there ain't nobody here that wants to be the least bit mellow now is there? Anybody wants to get mellow can just turn around and get the --

FRICK

(interrupting; turning toward his men, working them up)

Okay Men! The time has come! The time has come to face ourselves in a strange and unfamiliar form! The time has come to, essentially, confront our inner pteradacytyles... To transcend the dogma of our neural fetters... To come out, cross over, cut through! Confront! Deal! And do the best we can! As men! Sensitive Men!

SHERIFF FRICK'S POV

The Men CHEER, stabbing the air with their torches and guns.

 

SHERIFF FRICK

FRICK

Yes, we are! We are men! And we are strong! We hurt, but we also love! We may not know how to love, or who to love, but oh yes, we love! We love our children, we love ourselves! We love our trucks, we love our guns! Some of us even love our wives! We love! We Love!

SHERIFF FRICK'S POV

The Men CHEER again.

MEN

(together)

Love!

Love!

We Love!

SHERIFF FRICK

He holds up a pump-action shotgun, PUMPS it once, then continues.

FRICK

So... Let's Kill! For the sake of love, Men, let's kill that ugly sonuvabitch!

THE NOOGE

(howling like a maniac,

waving two machine guns above his head)

YAAAAAAAAA-HOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

FRICK

CHARGE!

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - DAY

The men, lead by the Nooge, charge, BELLOWING like barbarians.

THE NOOGE

Cover Me! I'm Going In! I say I say I say -- I'm Going In!

ANOTHER ANGLE (SPFX) - DAY

SCREAMING unintelligibly (like Rambo with a mouth full of novocaine) the Nooge runs right up to the mud-puppy's face and unleashes all the fury of both machine guns into the creature's kisser. Manic GUNFIRE.

 

TED NUGENT

His body wracks with the shock of both barrels BLAZING AWAY, spewing smoke. Spittle flies from his mouth, sweat pours down his torso. He goes gonzo on the mud-puppy. Then suddenly, he runs out of ammunition.

 

THE MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - DAY

It smiles a goofy grin.

 

THE MEN

They shout encouragement to the Nooge.

MEN

You got him, Man!

Yeah, take him down, Buddy!

He's all yours!

Give him the business!

THE NOOGE

He looks at the men, then back at the mud-puppy above him - then lets rip with a blood-curdling concert-rocking WAR-CRY that goes like this:

THE NOOGE

(yowling)

YOU WANT A PIECE OF THIS MAN!? You Want a Piece of Me!? Well Fine with Me -- But You're Gonna Have to Have a Piece of this First!

Out of nowhere, he produces a hand-grenade, pulls the pin with his teeth, hauls back, lets fly, and shouts...

THE NOOGE

BITE ON THIS, LOVER!...

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - DAY

An EXPLOSION obscures the mud-puppy's smiling face.

 

ANOTHER ANGLE

As the explosion continues to expand, the Nooge, wielding nothing but a hatchet, howls "WANG!! DANG!! SWEET POON-TANG!!" then leaps into the inferno with arms outstretched.

 

TWO SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET - DAY

Both their chins drop. They look at each other in awe.

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST (SPFX) - DAY

There is silence. The smoke starts to clear.

The mud-puppy becomes visible again. It is still smiling.

The Nooge, however, is clinging to one of its gills.

 

THE NOOGE

The Nooge is going to town, striking the mud-puppy over and over again with the hatchet.

 

THE MEN

Seeing this, they let rip a communal "YEEEEEEE-HAAWWWWWW!!", drop to their knees, and start FIRING away.

 

TWO SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET

They stand next to each other, punching at the air.

FRICK

Get him! Get that stinking stinker! Make that monster rue the day!

EMMET

Yeah, yeah! Rue the day!

THE MUD-PUPPY (SPFX) - DAY

The mud-puppy releases a SQUEAL that sounds like a pig getting slaughtered. It starts thrashing its head in a frenzy.

The Nooge can't hold on. He goes flying off and into the ozone, SCREAMING his song as he disappears, turning into a dot in the distance.

THE NOOGE

HE WAS THE LEADER OF THE LAND, BABEEEEEE!....

CUT TO:

 

INT. DONUT SHOP - DAY

Cal is ordering donuts.

CAL

A dozen crullers...

DONUT BOY

(over-zealous)

Excellent choice! Howabout a Mountain Dew with that?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Croissant?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Blueberry fritter?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Lottery ticket?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Discount coupon book

 

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Action figure?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Magazine subscription?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Clock radio?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Chapstick?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Anacin?

CAL

No.

DONUT BOY

Tylenol?

CAL'S HAGGARD FACE

There are dark circles beneath his eyes. He is considering a Tylenol.

CAL

(extremely tired)

Yeah... gimme a Tylenol.

CUT TO:

 

EXT. THE RAINFOREST - DAY

Waka-waka-waka-wakesh, ROARING ferociously, is battling the men. Lots of GUNFIRE. The bullets do nothing except infuriate the mud-puppy even more.

MEN

Take That, Ya Big Dumb Waterdog!

Yeah! Kiss my Grits!

Yeah! We're the Disease and You're the Cure!

THE MUD-PUPPY (SPFX)

It rolls its eyes toward the sky, strikes a contemplative pose, then releases a long noodling YODELING SOUND.

 

THE MEN

They look at each other in confusion.

 

THE MUD-PUPPY (SPFX)

It smiles, then lashes out with its tail. Its tail goes SMASHING through the forest, smacking down trees, then plows into the men, smearing them all to death in one single blow.

 

TWO SHOT: FRICK AND EMMET

From a distance, they see the destruction.

FRICK

(like Homer Simpson)

Doh!

CUT TO:

 

INT. CAL'S TRAILER HOME - DAY

Cal returns with donuts to find Fern dissecting a mud-puppy on his kitchen table.

CAL

What are you doing?

FERN

It wouldn't make any sense to you.

Cal looks over her shoulder.

 

THE MUD-PUPPY

It's just a little sucker. It's strapped down to a cutting board and there's a very sharp scalpel lying next to it. Fern has inscribed a dotted line down its belly with a red marker.

CAL

Look, don't come in here, take over my house, commit cold-blooded murder on my kitchen table... and then insult me.

FERN

I'm looking into the possibilities of glands. Maybe this little mud-puppy's glands can tell us something about that big mud-puppy's glands...

CAL

You're still trying to isolate a single physical medical cause... aren't you? But it's like I toldjya before... your Science isn't going to tell you what you want to know. Besides, you're looking in the wrong direction.

FERN

(looking up)

Wrong direction?

CAL

Yeah. I mean... who cares what Science thinks about this? The problem isn't why Waka-waka-waka-wakesh is so huge... the problem isn't even in Waka-waka-waka-wakesh at all. The problem is in the other direction.

(A pause.)

Look, if you want to find an explanation, don't look at glands. Look at what can be done -- if anything -- Now!

FERN

Waka-waka-wakesh?

 

CAL

No. Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh.

FERN

You're so full of suggestions... but none in particular. You make about as much sense as a haiku. Like one of those stupid little haikus they used to give you in school, then tell me you figure out. Which is why I became a scientist instead. Haikus are not my department, Cal. So why don't you just cut the crap and tell me what you've got?

CAL

Donuts.

He places the box in front of her.

FERN

(warning him)

If they're crullers...

CAL

What? You'll stab me with that knife? You'll cry? You'll throw a temper tantrum? You'll leave? What?

FERN

(hesitating, then regarding him

out of the corner of her eye)

I don't think I'll have any.

CAL

C'mon. You bullied me into going and getting them, so I went out and got them. So open up the box.

FERN

Just to see 12 crullers staring back at me. No thanks Buster.

CAL

You're not going to open the box?

FERN

Maybe the point of sending you out for donuts had nothing to do with donuts in the first place?

 

CAL

What's that sposed to mean? Are you playing some sorta mind game with me?

FERN

Are you playing some sorta mind game with me?

CAL

Are you going to open the box?

FERN

Are you going to tell me about Waka-waka-waka-wakesh?

Cal doesn't answer. He picks up the donut box, walks to the window, and throws the whole box out.

They SNARL at each other.

Cal walks over to the t.v., switches it on, then plops down on the couch.

 

ON T.V.: THE SIGHT OF THE RECENT MASSACRE - DAY

The Guy with the Ten-Pound Chin is standing in the f.g. MEN with stretchers are carrying bodies away in b.g.

TEN-POUND CHIN

This just in folks! Monster Madness! Mud-puppy Mania! Carnage! Death! Waka-waka-wakesh has struck again!...

TWO SHOT: FERN AND CAL - DAY

They are watching t.v.

FERN and CAL

(together)

Waka-waka-WAKA-wakesh!

ON T.V.: TEN-POUND CHIN GUY - DAY

TEN-POUND CHIN

Oh... sorry. Anyway, this morning's assault, led by local Law Enforcement, was a complete wash-out. The President has been notified. The Pentagon...

FRICK

(suddenly butting in)

Won't do a Gosh Darn thing! This is a local matter, and we will continue to handle this matter ourselves. Locally! Everything is under control.

TEN-POUND CHIN

But clearly Sheriff Frick, local Law Enforcement isn't up to the task. Just 16 miles to the South, the severely broken body of rockstar Theodore Nugent was found earlier this morning. Hundreds are dead. Are we to believe that there isn't a threat?... And how can you assure us that our safety isn't at risk?...

FRICK

Well... I've just called in the National Guard. We're gonna wipe that monster out!...

(experiencing an inner conflict)

No! There are no monsters! No Monsters!

(composing himself)

But we're gonna wipe it out anyway! If it's the last thing I do!

Continued

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