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The Deatherians
by John O'Keefe

 

Vørdigger

It is only paper.

Krator

Are you kidding me, if I don't meet the demands of this contract they will kill me.

Vørdigger

Read there. If you don't kill me they will stuff me in a bag and beat me to death with hammers. It's an incentive. Krator, you do this everyday.

Krator

Why don't you do it yourself?

Vørdigger

I'm afraid that by the time it needs to be done I will be incapable.

Krator

Oh, for Christ's sake, then why don't you do it now?

Vørdigger

I hate to admit it, but I am very much afraid of death.

Krator

I don't do this shit for free. It will cost you.

Vørdigger

I have the money. (Indicating the contact) Take it with you. Think about it...but think fast. It only needs your signature. I'll give you a call.

(Krator waves Vørdigger off as he moves toward the darkness.)

Krator

Ja, ja, tot siens.

Vørdigger

Tot stats.

(Krator vanishes into the darkness. Vørdigger watches Krator exit. "Vørdigger! Vørdigger!" comes over the speakers. Vørdigger winces. He crosses to the discarded joint. As he bends to pick it up the sound of insane laughter comes over the speakers, followed by "Vørdigger! Vørdigger!" The lights cross-fade to...)

Scene 3

(...Løvin Hatherdal* standing in the street with Jimmy and Joe by her side carrying signs that say, "Save the Planet! Kill Yourself!" "Eat People Not Animals!" Hatherdal is holding forth. She is a woman in her 40's. Her face is disfigured beyond recognition. She has a Dutch accent).

Hatherdal

The human race excretes 250,000 pounds of shit per second! We are drowning in our own excrement! All you think about is fucking? Everything's about fucking. Movies, TV, fucking, fucking, fucking. Can't you think about anything else? (She claps Jimmy and Joe on the back, knocking them off balance) Look at America. These boys here. They're from America. This is what fucking has got you. This is what TV has got you. This is what the Pop music has got you. Now that the Christians have taken over their stupid country they are escaping like so many rats: Wet Backs, only this time it isn't the Rio Grande, it 's the Atlantic. They're afraid of going into the "camps." You remember the "Camps." Only in America they call them "Bible Camps". (To Jimmy and Joe) Gobble like your turkey. (They gobble) They work for the "Minister," that's me, I'm the goddamned fucking minister. In what church do I preach? Why I preach in the streets. Right here, motherfuckers.

                     Hatherdal (cont.)

And what is my church? My church is the Church of Saint Kavorkian, The Dutch Reformed Church of Euthanasia. That's right, the Church of the Second Killing. That's right, I should kill you're fucking asses right now, but I don't, I am a Liberal, I think a second. That's why my church is "Reformed." But don't think I think a third time. No, baby, you bet your booties I don't. I am not like some doctors I know who sit around fingering their noodles. I am speaking of one Mickey Mouse in particular. His name is Dr. Hess Krator. He has the power to create the greatest killing machine in the history of the human-shit-fucks. But what does he do? He mews around like some slurping mother cat. "Oh, I don't know if I should kill you. You are not miserable enough." Pussy-whipped, motherfucker, he has no balls. I know you're miserable enough. If he won't kill you, I will kill you. My eyes are everywhere. I will find you; the weak, the insipid, the deformed, the insane. (She pulls out a long sheet of rolled up paper and unrolls it) Here is this weeks shit list. If your name is on it you won't be around to hear it next week. (To the Americans) Hit it, boys!

(A great rap beat fills the street. As they begin their song, Hatherdal begins reading names from the list.).

Jimmy and Joe

(rapping)


Pigeons fucking in the parking lot
rats of the air unite
flies boffin on a can of lard
six prong dicks gettin stiff and hard
Jesus god what a sight
garbage man gives 'em a swat
likes to kill 'em when they're good and hot
your name's on the shit list
you're shot
swat
your rot
It's survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
It's survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
 

Jimmy and Joe (cont.)


Mary Jane's puts her baby in a garbage can
she got to get on the road
down in the chili and some moldy bread
she don't care - it's better off dead
this motherhood garbage is a load.
Mary Jane's doin some tricks
but there's nothin in the world that's a good enough fix
your name is on the shit list
you're caught
snot
you're naught
It's survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
your name's on the shit list
It's survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest.
Sweaty chicks working machines
low fat virgin marines
checkin out each other's genes
boys in Toyota trucks
comparing each other's fucks
Jesus life sucks
it's the new century
the new penitentiary
got to get a job
                      no pain no gain
got to get a job
                      no pain no gain
got to get a job
                     no pain no gain
It doesn't matter who you are
the same goes for you
doesn't matter if you're rich or poor
vegetarian or carnivore
earth-lover, yuppie, or Sioux
Everybody's tryin too hard
you're nothin but glorified lard

Jimmy and Joe (cont.)


You're bought
got
you're squat!
It's survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest
survival of the fittest

Your name's on the shit list!

Scene 4

(Krator's cries as he has an orgasm in the dark. Blue light rises in the window. It falls on the bed.)

Krator

(After a pause)

May I smoke?

Zeena

(After a pause)

By the window, please.

(Krator slips out of bed. His is a black figure in the blue light. He crosses to the window and lights up.)

Krator

I want to talk to you.

Zeena

Your time is up.

Krator

Go to my billfold.

(ZEENA* crosses to Krator's pants and takes out the billfold. She crosses to the window and opens the billfold.)

 

Krator

Take all of it. Just leave enough for me to get cigarettes.

Zeena

There's more than 4000 gelder in here.

Krator

Have a party.

(She takes the money and goes to turn on a light.)

Krator (Cont.)

Leave the light off and lie down on the bed. (She lies down on the bed.) When I was on top of you, between your legs, when I was inside of you, you gave me these motions. It was so soft and pulled so gently. When I came in you, you thrust at me to accept my semen, to bury it in you. These motions coupled with a man can bring forth life. From a woman who had sex, who made these motions with a man, I came to exist.

Zeena

Your children are in a condom.

Krator

(Laughs quietly)

Yes, like so much slime in a sock. That is my point. I am a doctor. I took an oath to preserve life and yet I take life in the name of medicine. They pay me for it. They pay me well. You are a woman. You go through the motions of sex. There is no love, there are no children. I pay you for it. I pay you well.

Zeena

You are Krator.

Krator

Yes. You know of me?

Zeena

Everyone knows about you on the Strip. You are the Devil Doctor. You lurk about the alleys every night to find girls to fuck and do kinky things. So I am one of these girls?

Krator

Yes.

 

 

Zeena

I want you to leave.

Krator

Why?

Zeena

You're weird.

(Krator laughs softly to himself.)

Krator

You are a chicken shit bitch, aren't you?

Zeena

You kill people for money. You smell like death.

Krator

You are a bore.

Zeena

You smell like shit. Get out of here.

Krator

I will get out when I want.

(She runs to the window and shouts.)

Zeena

Intruder! Intruder!

(As the lights fade.)

Krator

All right. All right.

Scene 5

(Krator appears sneaking out of the shadows, pulling his pants up. Hatherdal steps out of the shadows and accosts him.)

Hatherdal

Dr. Krator, My name is L_vin Hatherdal. I'm the minister of the Dutch Reformed Church of Euthanasia. Our Patron Saint is Dr. Kevorkian. We advocate suicide, sodomy and cannibalism.

 

Krator

(Struggling with the zipping up of his fly.)

I'm well aware of who you are. You are a serial killer, nothing more.

Hathedral

I kill more people a week than you do and I don't even have your equipment.

Krator

You are an evil, misguided female.

(She grabs him. Krator pushes her away.)

Krator

Get away from me!

Hatherdal

What are you doing down here? This is not a respectable place.

Krator

It's none of your fucking business.

Hatherdal

Stay where you belong. Go out to your suburbs and stay away from the District.

Krator

I can go where I want to.

(Krator draws his pistol. Hatherdal whistles. Jimmy and Joe step out of the shadows and put their guns to Krator's head.)

Hatherdal

In your little killing room you may be king, but here, in the District, I run things. Beware, Krator, I got my eye on you. I have always had my eye on you. Leave these animals alone. They belong to me.

Krator

(Shouting)

Like hell they do.

Hatherdal

(Quietly)

Down here, You belong to me.

 

Krator

You're mad.

(Krator brushes past Jimmy and Joe and exits.)

Hatherdal

(Shrieking)

It won't be the last you see of me! I'll track you down to the ends of eternity!

(Lights out.)

Continued...


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