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Who Wants to Be a Something?
by D.T. Harris

[highlights of recent, talent development--production meeting at America's Broad-recasting Company]

     Carpentral Driscoll, III: "Okay, Chance, give us the week's top five."
     Chance: "Okay -- and again, Marketing has asked that I repeat they are not recommending anything on this pitch list, pending results from the latest high-definition focus groups.
     "No. Five -- 'Who Wants to Be a Heart Laid Bare?' Show takes place in operating theater; super-bright, halogen overheads; no music, but serious sound effects. Foley shop recommends using tapes from undercover News story on Perdue chicken plant; Foley says close-miked chicken plucking sounds just like average Joe spilling guts. Target audience is seventy-two-point-three percent of average Janes who would rather watch an average-Joe gut spilling than watch pairs skating. Show airs three times a day, seven days a week, during breakfast, lunch and dinner preparation, target sponsors being frozen entree, fast-food and take-out sectors. Regis wears black, operating scrubs with neckties made from various 1950s, colored aluminum water tumblers.
     "No. Four -- 'Who Wants to Be a Taxi Fare?' Show takes place in oversized, yellow Checker cab, large enough to accommodate production equipment, crew and small audience. Compensation is made for oversized scale with candy wrappers, partly-eaten cheeseburgers, crushed coffee cups and other cab trash larger than life. Regis plays various liverymen dressed in various costumes, adjusting height in seat by sitting on city phone books from across country. Contestants are average Joes and Janes trying to find way in world. Winners can accumulate up to one million dust mites just by sitting in backseat.
     "No. Three -- 'Who Wants to Be a Holy Terror?' Original idea for age limit here was abandoned after 'JAMA' study concludes that, with current popularity of one-million horsepower S.U.V.s, it is no longer possible to delineate stages of human development, beyond 'If you're big enough to reach the pedals you're big enough to reach the pedals.' Original idea for taping show with cameras mounted on hood of green, one-million horsepower S.U.V. was also abandoned because of aesthetic problems with seating arrangement for Newton, Watt, Einstein, Beavis, Butthead and others. No one is sure where this is going, but like an asteroid with four-wheel drive it presents too large a potential for impact to ignore.
     "No. Two -- 'Who Wants to Be the Last "So There!"?' Audience identification here was rated 'eighteen beers out of a possible twenty-two,' the second highest in group. Though living most of four-year life cycle underground, this emotional response is expected to reemerge and flourish in 2000, as elephants and donkeys drop more parade apples than street cleaners can possibly shovel. We continue to work on host list after hope of getting retired pols fizzled when we could not find an unbooked P.A.C. train, Rosie O. turned us down (though concept seems perfect for her), and agent says Pepsi girl is too old for role. Though some have criticized it as childish, trust us on this one -- this format will work with any average Jane-Joe, anywhere and in any time slot. It's where development is averaging talent -- so there!
     "No. One -- 'Who Wants to Be a Derriere?' Total audience identification seems certain here, so much so that 'rainy-day-trade.com' has offered to buy idea from us for use on its new, negative-income website concept, if we don't go to project development. There may be legal problems with some d-holes in France, but Champagne vineyards in Los Alamos were unaffected by recent fire, and wine making techniques using recent, Internet I.P.O. filter paper have shown great promise -- so who cares? This format provides a mirror to, as it evacuates, the current 'zit-geist.' Set is extreme-sport bathroom; Regis sitting atop golden throne-type fixture; contestants advance to hot-water-flush seat after quick-finger, bidet baptism. Show is designed to do a cleansing bond on everyone, and, as summed up in recent street survey by Frank and guy-with-red-hat-and-no-teeth at Wilshire and Lucid, 'Baby, this one is a wipe.'"

Email: calamostreet@aol.com

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