Thongs are a way you can express love, anger, any emotion, or just a simple statement. Thongs are learning opportunities and can be good practice for dealing with life's setbacks. Thongs are so cool. Thongs can't be stopped. Thongs don't oppress me-they just irritate a little. Thongs have been a concern for years and years and years. "Thongs," he answered, suddenly certain, suddenly sure. THONGS LAUGH & GIGGLE JUST LIKE HUMAN KIDS . . . says fascinating new research. Thongs offer a solution. THONGS RULE! Thongs usually symbolize an obstacle, i.e., a struggle against personal conflict, but with eventual success. Thongs were brought to the United States by foreigners when they came to America to start new lives. Thongs were onstage and performing. Thongs will be judged on taste, originality and creativity.

2

Adieu, thongs. Although thongs can be pondered, they are better to be worn. Any thongs in your hot chocolate lately? A thong is in some ways a symbol of friendship. A thong is like a member of the family. A thong is not so much a matter of position as disposition. A thong so good they named a beer after it. A thong would be a nice birthday present, don't you think? His thong was violently taken from him by a madman. Many thongs are just fads. Most thongs of this type are. My thong was stolen while I was away . . . Old thongs have more dignity. Our thongs give us a right to express our minds and that is a freedom that can never be taken away. The thong and the party sound pretty good, and I hope you feel better too. The thong is elsewhere. The thong isn't here. The thong overtook the colonel. The thong was too fat for the stapler. These thongs do not merit dismissal. This thong is weirdly speculative. Those thongs make people uncomfortable. With thongs, you can achieve all your goals whether long term or short term. Without thongs, you will get nowhere. Your thong, what are you doing with your thong?

3

Caveman used thongs to fight the enemy. Ever sell thongs to support a drug habit? Hope your thong stays stiff 4 me baby! How's your thong, ma'am? If your thong works so well, why do you keep getting heartburn? I prefer thongs, just because every once in awhile getting dressed is fun. I wear thongs all the time!!!! Leave the thong at home, that's more of a second date thing. May your thongs all be small ones. MEN . . . REAL THONGS ARE WAITING TO HEAR FROM YOU. On Diana's thong was something that on another might be mistaken for regret. People let thongs affect them too strongly. Put the thongs back on Main Street. Who wants thongs?

4

A pair of thongs has an irreducibly primitive appeal. As for his thong, it wasn't much to brag about . . . fairly smallish. As for the thong, well, I have known him for a while, and friends have "warned" me about this thong in the past . . . Dear PETERS in THONGS, I donated blood and am now gonna sleep . . . feel like a donkey! Everyone has a thong. Getting the fans' thongs might be the easy part. Give him his thong. I always have thongs for breakfast. I don't like thongs, I always get hamburgers. I had more thongs that night than I'd had in the last two months. I lost my thong when I was five. In fact, this thong has touched off a raging debate in the scientific community. I really miss thongs. Is this a thong I see before me? I've been wearing thongs for 5 years, and let me tell you, you get used to it right away. Just throw a thong at me and I'll drag my ass up there in the snow. Most of the thongs were average, but there was one thong that was abnormally sized. Oral people consider thongs to have great power. Perhaps you'll have thongs someday. Plato didn't like thongs. Probably I'll have thongs by then but I'll give you a call before Friday to work out the whole plan. Real men wear thongs and facepaint. That kind of thong was irritating to me. These boys like thongs, give 'em thongs and they'll be your friend. The treatment of thongs within the household becomes more than a laughing matter on the seventeenth-century stage. They have more thongs than they have employees. They have wonderful thongs in England. To demonize these thongs is to ensure their destructiveness. Trisha is into thongs too I hear. Well, cigarettes and thongs go hand in hand. We've tried other thongs but they were too small or afraid . . . Worn out, this thong. You're in a thong, there's no cure for that. You see, my thong is defective.

5

Apparently, not everyone enjoys thongs as much as you do. Are you and your thong more or less equally attractive? "Are you here for thongs?" he inquired briskly. At this point, a thong would be bad news. Children I suppose have thongs of modest dimensions. Do we look like thongs? Do you think your thong is smarter than you are? I am a little "thonged out" lately, but I still love thongs and I know they are my true calling. I can't find my thong right now, but I can summarize it. I don't like long thongs either . . . If you order a thong you will still need to put the salad dressing on it. If you see a thong, don't panic. I look at her thong, not her lifestyle. I'm too old for thongs. In the far east, thongs are very likely. I obviously need more thongs. I think the nicest thong I got was from Mohammed Ali. I've been swamped by thongs, of all things. I've been thinking of thongs lately-could you come over? I was matching her thong for thong . . . they were free, after all, and we were on vacation. Jealous cockatoo rips bride's thong off! Kids need all the thongs they can get! Let me suck your thong; if I like it, we could even make it a regular activity. Make your views on thongs at UB known. OK, back to my thongs. Okay enough about those thongs. So few men wear thongs that thongs are often hard to find in a store and can sometimes only be bought through mail order. That's the kind of thong poets are stuck with these days. That's what being a thong is all about. The depth of each thong was suited to the human body for obvious reasons. The fun-loving Pope thinks thongs would be the perfect thing to attract more young people to church. The quantity of the thongs at both restaurants is very pleasing to the customers. We have an essential thong which is hidden beneath what we may appear to be. We tried counting the thongs and finally decided there were too many. Would you like a thong? You are right about thongs being a pain-although believe it or not, they don't torment me personally too much. Your husband is your thong.

from 250 PUNCHLINES TO A BLONDE JOKE

for Alan Sondheim

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"What crime have I committed against heaven?"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Don't you think Flanders is a big jerk?"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Mathematicians have developed habits of communication that are often dysfunctional."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I believe in non-violence."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I had an experience in 1976 with a very short green being."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"No soup for you, Sammy Sosa."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh.....goooodddddd.....oohhhhhh...."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"We should be grateful."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I choose to smoke."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"This is earth."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I'm in good health."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Let's go on the bus together."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Wanna play house?"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"The current system of education produces an army of robots rather than an army of thinkers."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"The earth is certainly vast and broad, though a man uses no more of it than the area he puts his feet on."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I've got to get your phone number."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"To use a horse to show that a horse is not a horse is not as good as using a non-horse to show that a horse is not a horse."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I think the cops are here."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"You know, I'd rather eat a sandwich."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I shot myself with a gun and then sued the gun company."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"The most cost-effective medication is the one that works best for the patient."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I've forgotten benevolence and righteousness!"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Once upon a time there was a smoldering Scorpio who pined obsessively for the object of his desire."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"There's something special about specialists . . ."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I want you to meet my parents."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Jack, you sure do carry a lot of marijuana for personal use."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I was playing outside with my brother and three friends in the front yard of my folks, when we saw three silver disc-shaped objects flying over the house."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Umm are nuns allowed to have sex???"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Would you like to hear a lecture on the dead?"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"I will start by giving you a short explanation of petroleum geology."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Would you like a piece of cheese?"

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"We make a great team."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Soon the wait will be over."

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
"Some bastard stole the front wheel of my bicycle."

from ENORMOUSLY IMPORTANT

for Pete Balestrieri

Professor Mark Peters is one of the world's leading intellectuals and scientists. He is known for his work on linguistics and not to mention his status as one of America's, if not the world's, leading dissidents!

A major underwear manufacturer had to recall 870,000 boxes of ladies panties after Mark Peters added itching powder to the garments just before they were packaged for distribution.

Only here will you get an in-depth look into the past, present, and future life of Mark. How do you get such exclusivity. Well, I'm his brother. Mark and I have so many stories since first landing in Los Angeles. Some funny and others being not so funny. One thing is for sure though, all will be true. I've accumulated a lot of memories and I'm sure you'll find them interesting . . . I do.

Oh, and by the way, my girlfriend seems to enjoy this thing more than I do.

Mark Peters, he's like President Lincoln or somethin'. I was in the prison band when I first saw him in San Quentin. I was impressed with his ability to take five thousand convicts and steal the show away from a bunch of strippers. That's pretty hard to do.

The young man who wants to marry happily should pick out a good man, like Mark Peters, and marry one of his daughters . . . any one will do.

HELLO!! Mark Peters RULES. BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT. YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT! AT LEAST I HOPE YOU DO.

Thanks to science, your hair will soon look as good as Mark Peters thinks it does.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS?

YOU CAN BET MARK PETERS DOES!

Mark Peters gave you the opportunity of a lifetime and you fucked the dog.

This book was so informative, I was able to make my mate orgasm every time we explored the back door!

Mark's a guarded individual. He doesn't let people in his sphere. He's growing. His family and friends have to grow. He's loyal. I can relate to that. He's a friend to a fault. But he can't let them pull him down.

Peters has managed to maintain his glorious dialect-heavy prose style, and, for the first time, write a novel that any Buffy fan with a bookshelf won't be able to put down.

Mark Peters kills up to 98,000 Americans yearly; a new report says that number could be cut drastically.

Better than drugs.

Mark is passed out in the bushes again. I'm glad I got my suit dry-cleaned.

It's all good. Go buy it. If you love rock 'n' roll, it's your duty.

This guy has been thrown on a bed of nails, been powerbombed on a pile of thumbtacks, and knocked off a ladder into a pile of barbed wire . . . all in the SAME NIGHT!!! To look at the man tells the tale. Countless scars, missing teeth, and half an ear . . .

"Mark Peters... was a stout young man of middling height, who, with a plain face and ungraceful form, seemed fearful of being too handsome unless he wore the dress of a groom, and too much like a gentleman unless he were easy where he ought to be civil, and impudent where he might be allowed to be easy."

Mark Peters, a leader in the field of critical education, here offers a broad theory and practice linking critical pedagogy to democracy and empowerment. He carefully analyzes obstacles to and resources for empowering education, suggesting ways for teachers and students to transform traditional approaches into critical and democratic ones. His examples and applications are drawn from elementary grades through college and adult education.

"Don't underestimate the capacity of young people, especially in science. Given the opportunity, there's no telling how far they will go," says Mark Peters, chairman of the Department of Biological and Physical Science at S.J. Tilden High School, New York City. Mr. Peters speaks with the authority of an outstanding science educator.

EEECH!

Mark Peters' love has saved hundreds of people's lives. The season of giving does not always mean money. So much can be gained by giving up a small amount of your time and effort.

a good effort

America is better for his efforts.

The nice thing about being Mark Peters is you get to hide your own Easter Eggs.

Eh?

I bet his high school teacher never taught him about ejaculation!

Enormously Important. Why read anything else?

He's a real Joe. You'll fall in love with him like everybody else.

Enormously Important is like a kiss--it feels best when you give it to someone else.

Mark Peters--fix 'em or nix 'em.

Bottom line time, folks. If I ever catch my Grandson anywhere near Enormously Important again, I'll rip his ears right off the side of his head and make him swallow 'em.

Mark Peters from this day forward you will be known as Visual Enchanter.

Excellent . . . Unfortunately it had to end.

This is the story of the loudest fart I've ever heard! My sister is the kind of girl that does not vocalize or announce her flatulence. That is the reason this story is so funny. In high school my sister thought she was something special when she was dating this guy Mark Peters who was already in college. She thought she was sooooo in love with him until around Christmas time. Those two love birds went to the Hallmark store just a couple of blocks away from our house shopping for Christmas cards. So as she looked around she found one that she thought would just knock his socks off, and romantically sweep him off of his feet. So when she showed Mark the card he read it and thought it was very romantic so he wanted to kiss her. As he went towards her face to give her a kiss SHE SWEPT HIM OFF HIS FEET! SHE KNOCKED HIS SOCKS OFF! She delivered a burst of methane that should go down in some record book. I'll bet she was blowing cards off of shelves behind her. At this point, almost perfectly synchronized, they turned without speaking to each other. Mark walked to his car, and she walked home. To this day she still considers that to be the most embarrassing moment of her life. THE END

But hey . . . who am I to judge . . . if you like Enormously Important why not have some fun with it . . . try it in the morning on your toast instead of using butter . . . or maybe as an ice cream topping . . . how about saving a couple loads and using it as a dip for fresh vegetables . . . or hell save a couple months worth and you'll have a brick of home made cheese. How about non-dairy creamer for your coffee, or substitute it for jelly on your PBANDJ . . . the possibilities are endless.