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Do a Few Things and Do Them Right
by D.A. Blyler

George W. Bush, in response to the growing issue of gun control, hits upon an idea:
      My fellow Americans, as I have stated many times, I am not a know-it-all. Never was, never will be. My talent is in choosing a few things to do, and doing them right. Today I would like to talk to you about one of those things. That is, gun control. Who among us has not picked up the morning paper, looking for happy stock quotes, only to be disturbed by another story about someone getting killed with a gun? I think I speak for all parties when I say that I am pretty well tired of it. A simple and feasible solution to this problem has been long overdue. And after many long hours careful consideration and wondering what Jesus would do if he were in my shoes, I have at last come up with such a plan.
      Most people likely will agree that the amount of guns in holsters, cabinets, safes, glove compartments, cookie jars, gym lockers, and shoe boxes far exceeds necessity. And thanks be to our friends at the National Rifle Association who revealed the startling fact that if we were to outlaw these guns, the only people to have them would be criminals. I say that this is the way it should be, because no one can complain then after we shoot them.
      I suggest a six month term wherein all gun owners may hand in their guns, and be recompensed by the Federal government for the full value of their property. My fiscal advisors have informed me that the cost of this program would be much less than the government«s yearly expenditure for crimes involving firearms. Knowing the simple pleasures of my state's constituency and the average Southerner, exceptions will be made for shot guns and civil war muzzle loaders. Neither can be hid easily or cause grievous damage to humans (except at close range). Yet they are perfect for injuring pheasants, squirrels, tin cans, and road signs.
      After the amnesty period, all those citizens still carrying guns should be systematically tracked down and shot. As is written in the Gospels, all they that live by the sword [gun] shall die by the sword [firing squad]. It is time we once again embraced our Christian heritage and the Biblical foundations upon which our great nation was founded. As a reformed boozer and reborn Christian, I can state categorically that it is the only cure for the moral dry rot which now afflicts us. (Note to Bounty Hunters: try to corner the fugitives in Texas so as to expedite the executions.)
      The great stockpile of guns amassed by this scheme will provide a windfall on several fronts. It will it help us police our legitimate concerns not only in Third World garment and shoe factories, but also along the chain-link fences that protect us from enterprising Mexicans. Furthermore, keep the prayers coming for Fidel Castro's demise. After his death, these firearms will greatly assist the long suffering Cubans in breaking the yoke of communism and reclaiming their role as our country's chief provider of low-priced pleasure tours and good cigars. Once accomplished, the natives will of course have to surrender these guns. Else they too will be shot.
      It is true that this proposal may cause some shouts and murmurs from the International community. But this is an issue far too important in the lives of each and every American for us to worry about the concerns of foreigners. Europe, in the end, always follows our lead. And, in time, I have no doubt that they, and the world as a whole, shall follow our leadership. And, if not, what really can they do? Screw'm.
      Citizens of our great land, let me assure you, with the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in promoting this plan. My prior investments before beginning a life of public service have been in oil and baseball, not in Cuban beach front property. My only motive is the public good of our country, by implementing workable, yet modest, solutions to our country's problems. Proposals such as these will be the cornerstone of the compassionate conservative Bush administration and go far in helping us restore honor and rectitude to the high office of President. Like my autobiography says, I have a charge to keep.

                                                                 Faithfully yours,
                                                                 George W. Bush


D.A. Blyler has just returned to the United States, having spent the last two years teaching Creative Writing to groups of unruly Slavs at the University of West Bohemia in the Czech Republic. He is the author of two collections of Poetry, Shared Solitude and Diary of a Seducer, as well as the screenplay The Expatriates--all of which can be ordered through the publisher BurnhillWolf, 321 Prospect St. NW Lenoir, NC.


Shared Solitude


http://www.salon.com/sex/feature/2000/06/22/clavicle/index.html http://www.salon.com/people/feature/2000/02/09/sevenvices/index3.html

Email: dablyler@usa.net

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