George W. Bush,
in response to the growing issue of gun control, hits upon an idea:
My fellow Americans, as I have stated many
times, I am not a know-it-all. Never was, never will be. My talent is in choosing
a few things to do, and doing them right. Today I would like to talk to you
about one of those things. That is, gun control. Who among us has not picked
up the morning paper, looking for happy stock quotes, only to be disturbed
by another story about someone getting killed with a gun? I think I speak
for all parties when I say that I am pretty well tired of it. A simple and
feasible solution to this problem has been long overdue. And after many long
hours careful consideration and wondering what Jesus would do if he were in
my shoes, I have at last come up with such a plan.
Most people likely will agree that the amount
of guns in holsters, cabinets, safes, glove compartments, cookie jars, gym
lockers, and shoe boxes far exceeds necessity. And thanks be to our friends
at the National Rifle Association who revealed the startling fact that if
we were to outlaw these guns, the only people to have them would be criminals.
I say that this is the way it should be, because no one can complain then
after we shoot them.
I suggest a six month term wherein all
gun owners may hand in their guns, and be recompensed by the Federal government
for the full value of their property. My fiscal advisors have informed
me that the cost of this program would be much less than the government«s
yearly expenditure for crimes involving firearms. Knowing the simple pleasures
of my state's constituency and the average Southerner, exceptions will
be made for shot guns and civil war muzzle loaders. Neither can be hid
easily or cause grievous damage to humans (except at close range). Yet
they are perfect for injuring pheasants, squirrels, tin cans, and road
signs.
After the amnesty period, all those citizens
still carrying guns should be systematically tracked down and shot. As is
written in the Gospels, all they that live by the sword [gun] shall die by
the sword [firing squad]. It is time we once again embraced our Christian
heritage and the Biblical foundations upon which our great nation was founded.
As a reformed boozer and reborn Christian, I can state categorically that
it is the only cure for the moral dry rot which now afflicts us. (Note to
Bounty Hunters: try to corner the fugitives in Texas so as to expedite the
executions.)
The great stockpile of guns amassed by
this scheme will provide a windfall on several fronts. It will it help
us police our legitimate concerns not only in Third World garment and
shoe factories, but also along the chain-link fences that protect us from
enterprising Mexicans. Furthermore, keep the prayers coming for Fidel
Castro's demise. After his death, these firearms will greatly assist the
long suffering Cubans in breaking the yoke of communism and reclaiming
their role as our country's chief provider of low-priced pleasure tours
and good cigars. Once accomplished, the natives will of course have to
surrender these guns. Else they too will be shot.
It is true that this proposal may cause
some shouts and murmurs from the International community. But this is
an issue far too important in the lives of each and every American for
us to worry about the concerns of foreigners. Europe, in the end, always
follows our lead. And, in time, I have no doubt that they, and the world
as a whole, shall follow our leadership. And, if not, what really can
they do? Screw'm.
Citizens of our great land, let me assure
you, with the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal
interest in promoting this plan. My prior investments before beginning
a life of public service have been in oil and baseball, not in Cuban beach
front property. My only motive is the public good of our country, by implementing
workable, yet modest, solutions to our country's problems. Proposals such
as these will be the cornerstone of the compassionate conservative Bush
administration and go far in helping us restore honor and rectitude to
the high office of President. Like my autobiography says, I have a
charge to keep.
Faithfully
yours,
George
W. Bush
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