A waitress clone from Chalmette, who stars in the talkshow, Clone
A trailer-park clone from Chalmette, who is Rita's sidekick in Clone
Gail: A cloned therapist from an MIT petri dish.
Armstrong: The first man on the moon.
A drag queen that loves to do standup.
Bill Gates appears briefly before he chokes on Chinese take-out.)
around a rectangular table are an odd assortment of humans and puppets.
Standing next to the table is a gothic child-puppet, Stanley Screamer,
who holds a bright orange and yellow leaf blower. Suspended
above the stage are two puppets, Neil Armstrong and God, one in a
space suit and the other in spandex.
Hi everyone! I'm Rita (nudges Dick who adds, 'and I'm Dick')
and you're listening to the number one talk show, "Clone Talk"!
Today's topic is CLONED MARRIAGES THAT
COME FROM THE SAME ILLEGAL EGG, CRACK UP, DON'T GEL, BECOME SCRAMBLED
AND ARE NEVER SUNNY SIDE UP!
isn't paying attention. He's reading MAD magazine.)
Dick, I didn't want to bring up our own personal problems on this
show, but I think it might help our audience to know about the problems
cloned couples like us have and of course the big issue everyone's
talking about--that Millennium Celebration! I mean let's survey
our audience on that one. How many of you have felt really stressed
out and depressed during all the millennium hoopla and had a big fight
with your husband, wife or significant other? Just hold up your cue
cards, 'yes' or 'no'.
(Enthusiastically reports the results.) Looks
like we got some serious ass losers out here.
(Apologizing) Dick means that there might have been some tension
at home. Well, Dick and I are going to show you a way to deal with
all the stress and all during any family get together or celebration.
We're going to engage in therapeutic role-play using our movement-challenged,
hand-friendly assistants here. (Gestures to the puppets.)
You mean "puppets"!
Armstrong holds up a sign to the audience that says, ìGASP!î)
Dick, please, that word is no longer "pc" in America. Now, for
the millenium celebration we decided to celebrate it next New Year's
Eve. The pressure will be off to make it the funnest and most
expensive night of the year. Did you know that leading scientists,
like Mr. Spock and Neil Armstrong, say that's the real date to celebrate.
(Looks to Neil who is perched on top of a moon rock and conducting
a NASA experiment, releasing a feather and a rock from his perch.)
So you out there can just do what we plan to do. But let's get started
with our therapeutic role-play. (Both Rita and Dick start to use
the puppets.) Dick what do you plan to do in the next coming
millennium? (Long pause) I mean New Year's Eve?
Well I figured on New Year's Eve I'd probably buy me a bunch of M-80s
and the first thing I'd do is kill that dog next door, blow him to
hell and gone. And then I'd figure I take me some M-80s, maybe
some sparklers, maybe a couple of pop bottle rockets and go on down
by the river, just raise some hell, you know. You know it don't
make too much difference to me, I ain't gonna be affected by no Y2K
bullshit or nothing, you know. I mean, come on, get real man,
it's just another day. Anyway, what I was planning for myself
for the new millennium is I'd figure, uhm...well...Idon't reckon I'm
school material but I think I might break on out and start my own
business, you know, maybe some kind of shoplifting business or maybe
a car-jacking business or something. You know something I could
make a couple of bucks, and I got plenty of genuine, unbonafide drivers
licenses to work with and I can shave and change my hair color. I
know how to do that. They got a lot of good products over by
What about me, Dick! What about, me! You're leaving me
I'm Rita! Dick! You're Dick...Dick! What about me!
What about me!
Rita, you're in my plans too, babe.
I'd figure we'd buy that tent you know. You can buy a tent for
like $89, a really nice house, too! And we'd get one of them
blow-up mattresses and shit and we wouldn't have to worry about paying
the rent or nothing. I could... Don't worry, Rita. You
tell me what you got in mind.
I do worry. Well, I'll tell you all I want to do on New Year's
Eve is, uh, get a six pack and drink and drink and then I'd like to
tell you about, I don't know, about these worries I have. I
do have these worries. I got this nervous leg disorder, periodic
limb movement disorder. And...I don't know what to do.
And I saw what you do when you wake up in the morning, you got periodic
limb movement disorder! Don't try to push that off on me...Dick!
You got a limb that just won't stop! And other than that I just
think I'll chill, chill, chill, chill...
makes an unsavory sound. It could be gas. Neil holds up another sign
to the audience that says, ìFARTÖî)
(Laughing, but disgusted.) Oh, Dick, you're so gross!
Sick, sick, sick, sick, sick! Ha! Ha! Ha! I think that's
about it! I'll tell you that's what I want to do. I want
to be in a quiet place, no M-80s. I think you CAN kill the dog.
I'd be real happy if you killed that son of a bitch next door but
that's about it. I just want it to be quiet, quiet, quiet.
In matter of fact, I'd like to be OUT of this city and in some kind
of RURAL area. Oh, one more question and this will be it.
(To the TV audience) And I'm sure all of you out there will
want to know. How do you plan to spend New Year's DAY, in the
year 2001 A.D.
pause. Dick doesn't seem to understand the question right away.)
You talking...Oh! You mean January 1? I'll probably be
kind of sacked out until about 11 and then I'll wake up and cook me
a mess of eggs and maybe some grits and if I have enough money I'll
do some bacon and stuff. Maybe watch the tube for awhile, you
know. Suck, suck me down, suck me down some suds and maybe a
few pigs, FIGS in the afternoon. Maybe go down and get me some,
if there was something open, I'd go down and find me some pork fried
rinds, maybe the hot kind, you know, and crunch on them for a while.
Then I'd figure you and me we would go see a flick or something, even
one of those girlie movies. Hell! I don't care.
I love you Rita!
(No longer are they manipulating the puppets.) I love you,
Dick. That means a lot to me that you ended this all by saying
you love me. I love you a lot, Dick. (They kiss. Neil
holds up the sign, ìAPPLAUSE!!î)
(To the audience.) Oh, you don't have to clap for us.
We just want to help all you out there who are married. We all
know marriage can be hard and it's especially hard for clones like
us who come from an illegal Paraguay clone farm AND a bad egg!
Dick and I just want you to know that we're there for you.
So why don't we go out into the audience and ask our friends out there
about marriage and love! It's time for Amazing But True Love
Stories. And if you answer right, you get to have Stanley Screamer
Steam Clean! He'll not only steam clean your carpets but blow away
any sort of debris--dustmites, fallen leaves or dead wood (looks
Screamer is a gothic child-puppet carrying a huge leaf blower.
In front of him is the sign, "HALT! Humans Against Leaf Blower
and Dick have moved out into the audience.)
All right, we'll start off with an easy one. Who was sleeping
and got his johnson cut off, woke up to find out that his wife had
driven off with it and pitched it out on the side of the road?
It was later found and reattached to his body. Their particular
relationship was shot. However, he did go on to marry and star
in a porno movie.
in the audience answers.)
All right! You've got a date with Stanley Screamer! (Hands
the audience member the prize certificate.)
Oh, Dick! You're always so disgusting. Let's have a beautiful
love story. These are famous figures and they were married a
long time. But the man involved was fooling around at his place
of business. Receiving all sorts of kinky sexual favors from
an employee. Now this man was famous. And the news of
his illicit affair hit the media. His beautiful wife though
stood by his side. And forgave him. And his johnson remains
intact. He now praises the Lord and plans to live happily ever
after with his wife in a huge mansion in the suburbs.
in the audience answers and gets the Stanley Screamer prize.)
Oh, this is great. I just love beautiful love stories.
I could go on forever, Samson and Delilah, Anthony and Cleopatra,
Paul and Linda, and Bill and Hillary! Anyone have a story to
share? We got a few minutes before our guests come on.
Dangerfield Clone: I'll tell you a few. (He starts telling
Dick some bad jokes about Rita.) Dick, your wife has spent so
much time in parked cars that they are now showing her on some road
is so ugly that when she walks into a room, the mice jump on a chair.
has so many double chins that she could wear a string of pearls without
is upset and fists fly.)
(Trying to break up the fight.) Oh, the time is up!
Our first guest is waiting in the wings. Dick, let's welcome
our first guest, Dr. Gail!
Our TV viewers have already met Dr. Gail before. She is the
famous cloned therapist who has helped so many of us clones. Dr.
Gail, as we all know, was cloned from Albert Einstein. (To
the audience) By the way, we're very excited to show you a piece
from the Einstein exhibit that's coming to the Contemporary Arts Center
next month. These are Einstein's very own optical pariah lobes!
Some of the largest in the world! (She holds up the lobes.)
(Interrupting Rita.) Damn, life ain't fair! Sure beats
that nacho clone farm we came from. But I heard Einstein's brain
can't be cloned no more. It's supposed to be illegal to clone
too many smart people.
Right, Dick. I've heard that Hollywood and our advertisers are
behind all that. They say they're afraid about low ratings and
no money and all that. They think talk shows, like ours, would
be the first to go if there's only smart clones. I don't get
it. And you know our Louisiana government has even made it illegal
to clone for the next four years. They're afraid of losing their
jobs,too. How does our audience feel? Do you think cloning
should be an equal opportunity and part of the Equal Rights Amendment?
Do we only want smart, beautiful, perfect people cloned?
Or should the ugly and stupid have a chance? I guess the best
way to answer this question is "Would you want your wife cloned?"
(Looks at Rita. Rita tries to interrupt but Dick continues.)
OK, let's see how many think we should all be given the right to clone
ourselves? Let's see those cue cards? (Reports the results.)
Dick, I think it's time that we see what Dr. Gail has to say about
cloning and all. Let's go welcome her.
gets up and wheels in Dr. Gail, who wears large rubber gloves and
is apparently confined to a hand truck.)
Gail: (Her speech has been pre-recorded and is distorted.
She is very serious.)
Good day Rita and Dick. I'm very happy you invited me to appear
on your show. For I have brought the most precious gift of all
time, the secret to happiness. And I will break free from my
hand truck captivity, the closer you come to discovering the secret.
But first let me explain. First, I would like to remind everyone
that even though we approach the next millennium there is hope for
all of us, even the ugly and stupid. Yes, we still possess aspects
of the Stone Age brain, which evolved twenty thousand years ago to
meet the conditions of life on the African savanna. At the same
time, our neocortex in our brains has grown enormously in an incredibly
short space of geological time. As a result of this freakish
development, all of us possess the TUMOROUS neocortex, the reasoning
part, which in its electro-chemical operation can be likened to an
infinitely complex computer. Yet this tumorous overgrowth is
imperfectly co-ordinated with the two other and older parts of our
brains which we have inherited from primitive mammals and still more
PRIMITIVE REPTILES. From this appalling flaw comes our aggressiveness,
unique in animal creation. Since we are all still biological
freaks, a biological malfunction needs a biological corrective.
What type of biological corrective will enable our savanna brains
to keep pace with the bewildering rush of cultural and technological
changes? And help us deal with the cumulative stresses of modern
life which have set off an avalanche of depression, anxiety, insomnia,
bulimia and nervous leg disorder.
to happiness is TWO biological mechanisms. And I don't mean
PSYCHOPHARM, PROZAC or other mood-altering drugs. These TWO
evolutionary mechanisms allow humans to cope with their reptilian
nature and the hell they have spawned. Each time we engage them,
powerful chemical reactions occur that reduce stress and create euphoria,
stimulating the brain's dopamine receptors.
could you please demonstrate to our TV viewers that our only hope
in this insane world are these natural mechanisms that Aristotle,
Jesus, Freud, and Einstein revered.
begins a song and dance routine, called Dancing on the Moon. Neil
Armstrong joins in from his rock.)
I'd like to dedicate this song, Dancing on the Moon, to that astronut
from the corn belt, Neil Armstrong.
Kick on the jets, find a flat spot,
Refrain: Get down tonight, Get down tonight!
out of gas, find a flat spot,
come down, Tranquillity base,
little line, kick a little dust,
step, one giant leap,
on the moon, plant a little flag,
a little golf, kick a little dust,
Whoa! We're getting a lot of calls. Everyone wants to
know what these mysterious evolutionary mechanisms are?! That
will bring happiness!! Dr. Gail what are you talking about?
And what's DICK got to do with it!! He's got more reptile in
him than anybody I know! And why are we dancing on the moon!
Rita, you're about as dense as a fart in a space suit! It figures
you wouldn't know what the evolutionary mechanisms are!
(Whispers) Dick, shut up! We've got an audience!
(Sweetly to the audience) Let's take a call from this
gentleman. Hello, this is Rita. What's your question,
Armstrong: Rita, this is Neil Armstrong.
Oh, Neil! We're delighted that you took time out to call in.
Dick, turn on that clip again of Neil and Buzz dancing on the
First, I want to compliment Dick. (Laughing) His
take on the first moon walk was great! I had no idea what I
was going to say that day! And everyone made such a big deal
about it. But I called in because I'm confused. Dr. Gail,
where do we go from here? I agree with you that we got to tap
into those two mysterious mechanisms. But we still haven't addressed
the main issue, cloning. I'm concerned that we'll have a type
of human "cleansing" and only the rich and powerful, like Bill Gates,
will continue to reproduce themselves. Bill Gates clones will
control the world and have windows everywhere, even into our souls.
And let's face it, Bill Gates is lacking in those biological mechanisms
that bring us closer to the cosmos.
Neil has been talking, Bill Gates is at the kitchen table watching
the talk show and performing a variety of tasks, such as eating Chinese
take-out and answering e-mail. He is somewhat agitated by what Neil
Armstrong is saying, and starts to choke on his food. His only
words are: 'How do I download what to do if you're choking on Combination
Plate #3, MooShu Pork?!" He suffocates on his Moo Shu Pork.
Neil holds up the sign, ìGAG!!î)
Sometimes I think Gates could be an alien. But, I've
seen those types in central Ohio, too, white and corn-fed, sour zombies.
That's why we need another frontier, another planet, another way out.
Since we already have too many people on this planet. That's THE CRISIS
of the millennium. This cancerous growth is the apocalypse.
In less than 40 years, we have doubled our population to 6 billion
and we are destroying one entire species of animal or plant life every
20 minutes!! And we're talking about cloning more humans!
Dr. Gail you must be doing psychotropics! What would your father
Gail: (Her voice is no longer distorted. She checks
her mouth.) Neil. I agree with you. We will not survive
if we continue to multiply at this rate. And I have the same
fears that we'll end up with a select group of Bill Gates. I
wish I had an answer. I'm afraid we will return from where we
came, the Garden of Eden, the forbidden fruit, insidious information.
The Virgin will again smash the serpent and strip our pride since
we are not the gods we believe we are. We do not have the key
to re-lock Pandora's box, to survive the information age. We
do not have the wisdom and compassion to clone ourselves!
(Flustered) God, another call! Where's that other
half of mine??!
(Has been hidden in a trash can. Pops out wearing white chiffon,
waving a fly swatter and talking through a shoe phone, a delicate
white pump.) Dick, I just had to call in. I need to talk
to Rita, NOW.
(Dick recognizes the voice.) "Oh, my God!"
Yes, Dick this IS God. Now where's that wife of yours?
God, glad you could call. We need a Supreme Being to solve
Dr.Gail's riddle and tell us what these evolutionary mechanisms are
that will bring us happiness.
Later, Rita. There are more important things. Girl,
we've got to talk. First, I love your show. Except sugar,
did you get high first and then get dressed! Cowboy hats and
boob tubes are out. I mean, all you need is a bottle of Jack
Daniels and you'd be an honorary member of Lynyrd Skyndrd! I
know I sound bitchy. But you have a pretty face and you could
do better. Tomorrow, let's go shopping and buy some clothes
that won't look like you're after the Marlboro Man.
God, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better. You know I just
don't have time and I'm from Chalmette. So you know the cards
are stacked against me.
Rita, no excuses. Lord and Taylors, tomorrow at 10. And
Dr.Gail, you scare the hell out of me. What's with the gloves
and handtruck! Honey, you need help and not just with accessories.
But, let's get back to your little riddle. The answer
is simple and I think our very intelligent audience out here already
knows the answer.
(To the audience) Ok. Can anyone guess what they've
all been talking about? I'll tell you I'm lost and I sure could
use a bottle of JD.
I'll give you some help. The first evolutionary mechanism:
Like a fart in a space suit,
A screen door in a submarine,
Does the Pope shit in the woods,
Is the bear Catholic?
holds up the sign saying 'LAUGH'.)
Ok. You're all doing it. You got it.
I don't get it! What do they got.
Ok. I told you these guys were smart. (Referring to the audience.)
Most humans have that evolutionary feature; it's just combining it
with the other one, that's where the trouble comes in. Not many
people use both. Now, let's see if we can guess the second one.
I don't have all day. I got to go check out that limbo baby.
He's precious and gluts to boot! Oh, by the way, Rita, do I
have time to do my latest shtick? I got some great one-liners!
Sorry, God. We're running out of time. I want to know
what the other secret is to living a long and happy life. I
mean let's face it. That's what we're all afraid of. Dying!
I mean what's next?? I just don't understand it. I mean,
I was reading and reading about JFK Jr.'s death and felt really sad--like
I'd lost a good friend or something, and then in the metro section
of the Picayune I read about this poor black guy that jumps off the
Huey P. Long bridge two days before his wedding and four days before
his birthday and I just kind of laughed because the headline said
that "Man Leaps off Bridge Before Wedding." I just don't get
it! I guess life isn't even fair after we die.
Yea! That poor black dude just washed up down river a few days
later. There wasn't no million dollar military looking for him!
And you know Rita, but I'm worried about me dying and then cloned
ghosts and stuff. Double the trouble is what I say! Two
ghosts roaming around for the same person is too much. Talk
about a lot of spooky shit and haunted houses and stuff!
Dick, you got it wrong. Most ghosts are happy. They have
more fun down here goofing off, than being in heaven where it's BORING!!
That's why I have to get out of there once in a while and do stand
Gail: God, I don't mean to scare you, but sometimes you're
somewhat esoteric for the common man. So, I want to ask our
TV audience to FREE ME FROM MY HANDTRUCK!
(Now an evangelist) YES! Free this disturbed child! Free
her from her black-handed ways! Free her from the handtruck
of HELL!! (To theaudience) What is the secret to happiness?
What are the TWO biological correctives, the two evolutionary mechanisms
unique to humans that will enable us to find heaven here on earth.
Answer me my children! Alleluia!! Praise the Lord!!
and Neil: Alleluia!! Praise the Lord!!
holds up the signs, ìLOVEî, ìLAUGHî, while Neil puts the lid on God
(i.e. trash can)).
Gail: Yes, I'm free! (Climbs out of the hand truck
and removes her gloves.) It's all about my father's theory of
happiness--the paradox of infinity and eternity.
is a dream
and death slips into eternity.
Not tracking Newton
into the black of space
or flying without limit
into the end of time.
into the heavens
will return to you.
For your first cry
from your mother's womb
will be heard again.
the love and laughter
that dreams do not die
that lives do not end
But that all returns
and circles forever more
as love would laugh.
holds up the sign, ìIs this the end??î)