MIKE
TOPP
Mike
Topp has no boundaries.
He is right in this place.
Is he a full or an empty vessel?
When you seek to know him,
You cannot see him.
Can you take hold of him?
You cannot take hold of Mike Topp.
Can you lose him?
It is extremely difficult to ditch him.
Do you not get him?
In not being able to get him,
You get him.
When you are silent, Mike speaks.
When Mike is silent, Topp speaks.
When Mike speaks, Topp is silent.
Is the great gate wide open to bestow alms?
No crowd is blocking the way.
NEVER HEARD OF THEM
Harry
Reems
Linda Lovelace
Marilyn Chambers
Seka
Jeff Stryker
Christy Canyon
Ron Jeremy
RECENT SYMPTOMS
Sweating.
Itching. Anorexia. Night sweats. Dizziness. Headache.
Sensation
disturbance. Chills. Malaise. Delusions. Depersonalization. Euphoria.
Hallucinations. Hostility. Libido increased. Manic reaction. Paranoid
reaction. Psychosis. Stupor.
8
APPLES AND ORANGES
8 8 8
8
THE
HIDDEN BEACH BALL
Not
too long ago, a couple of years before I heard the story, there
was this girl who lived in Coney Island who was drunk, and she didn't
want anyone to know, but she had accidentally swallowed a beach
ball at a party. After a while,
five or six months, she thought it would probably be all right,
so she went scuba diving and all of a sudden she went whoooosh and
she exploded.
CURIOSA
One
of the few things I remember from my medical education classes (I
later switched over to nuclear physics) had something to do with
whether or not you were supposed to swab an inmate's arm with alcohol
before administering a lethal injection.
FRUIT
BOWL
A painter
fell in love with a bowl of fruit. They enjoyed each other so fully
that they hardly ate or slept for two months and a half. One morning
the painter received the visit of an important person, who bought
all his paintings and had them exhibited in a famous museum. The
bowl of fruit was on the cover of an art magazine owned by the same
person. The painter and the bowl of fruit bought a castle in Spain.
They became farmers, read books, and helped needy people.
ADVICE
Listen
to a pillow by pressing your ear to it. Listen to a table by putting
your elbows on it and listening through your palms.
UNCLE
ROBBIE
What
was that thin strip of wood you had in bed last night? When I touched
it you woke up and said to leave it alone because you wanted to
see how long you slept.
CORRECTION
I have
a large IQ and shirt. To hide my deformity I wear special clothing.
Once, as a joke, I put my shirt on backwards. No one got it.
BRAD
FLAKES
Nick
awoke in his room. He felt tired. He looked up to see his old friend,
Brad Flakes, the U.S. Sales Ranger. "Relax, Nick...you took
quite a bruising last night in that accident. You've got to recover.
Do you know what I mean?" beamed the kindly Flakes. Nick nodded.
"Nick...the communists have set off a 'rapid disassembly' device
in Drop City."
"Rapid
disassembly!" Nick sucked his breath.
"Yes...fortunately,
to ensure everyone's safety, I sent American troops to the blast center
immediately..."
Flakes
swallowed a Bromo.
WOODCUTTER
Do
you hear the rabbit singing? What a voice! The day walks in circles
around him. At night he is clothed in black. Ants and thistleburrs
are his leaves and birds. As for me, I am shooting down nuts with
my gun.
FIELD
& STREAM
I shot
for Eton and I shot for Sandhurst. But I will only shoot animals
that don't shoot back. I adore underwater swimming. When I shoot
fish I don't wear an aqualung--it evens out the odds. The smell
of tobacco makes the fishes cough. I'm sure they think of me as
a pirate.
BROKEN/HURT
I was
at home last Wednesday afternoon and I dropped this really valuable
vase. And I was really frightened and everything because it was
Mom's favorite vase and there was no way to replace it. I thought
it over and remembered that I was playing a record at the same time
I dropped it. So I just played the record backwards until the broken
vase came together again on the floor and hopped up to my hands.
PLASTIC
RULER WOOD RULER
Our
family went shopping for school supplies one Sunday at the local
shopping center. I noticed that plastic rulers cost more than wood
rulers even though the wood ones were nicer and I thought that maybe
it was because the plastic ones were longer but there was no way
to tell.
WHITE
VOODOO
I didn't
have anything to do last Wednesday afternoon so I went for a walk.
There was a paper bag on the sidewalk and as I passed it I gave
it a kick. I thought that the sound I heard was like money, so I
went back and picked up the bag and opened it. Inside I found $11.20
in change and a white dove with its head cut off. The head was in
there as well. I thought it must be some kind of voodoo but since
I was very broke at the time I used the money to buy lunch at my
favorite restaurant. It was just dumb luck. Things are always going
that way for me.
CASTLE
When
my father first heard I bought a castle, his eyes got wide, his
coffee cup came down. I said to him, Look Dad, don't get upset--it's
not real flashy like the kind you usually see advertised on TV.
But Dad didn't adjust to it at all, frankly. He's really old-fashioned.
BOY
MEETS GIRL, 1 MINUTE
She
was very shy, it took me several years being around her before she
would talk to me. We were sitting down and I had my shirt off--I
started to make humming sounds while at the same time protruding,
sucking in, and convoluting my stomach, so that it appeared that
the sound was coming from my navel, my nipples, and my stomach.
It was very tactile, visual, and auditory, but she got up and left.
THE
ONE-MINUTE TEENAGER
Place
twelve-year-old in microwave.
RARE
BIRDS
Billy,
a sculptor in the service of a chinchilla rancher named Bill, lived
in a treehouse for the summer. The rancher and his wife had hired
Billy to do odd jobs, such as repairing fences, roofing, and so
forth. They kept many other animals on their farm, including two
huskies they were inordinately fond of. The rancher and his wife
also participated regularly in orgies. One day, after Billy finished
repairing their roof, the rancher invited him to a party, but Billy
declined. The next day he was told not to come into work; overnight
in a thunderstorm one of the huskies had leaped over a fence, hanging
himself on his own leash. It is stated in the classics: "Rare
birds and strange beasts should not be kept in this country."
60%
Four
out of five
people
think the fifth
person
is a
"I
miss it that you can't buy 100 percent polyester suits anymore.
If you're traveling, you put a polyester suit in a bag, put it on,
and you look presentable. And it's economical. With the money you
save on dry cleaning you can buy new polyester clothes."
CHRISTMAS
CARD FROM MY BROTHER
Dear
Mike,
A deer
like the one on the front of this card got hit by a car on Hobson
Road a few weeks ago. It then ran through the sliding glass doors
in the apartment of Al Olson's. The cops came and shot it because
it got trapped inside and was wrecking the place. It made the Progress.
Merry Christmas.
1.
Your brother lives in my neighborhood. 2. You are left-handed. 3.
You carry a blue briefcase. 4. Your grandfather collects insects.
WILD
WEST SHOW
The
day ended, because my TV is broken: I threw it from the fourth floor.
The
doctor says it's nothing.
L'ENVOI
The
king has eleven horses. Nine ran away. The queen has ten dogs. She
gave six away. Does it bother you that the king has horses and the
queen has dogs?
POLICE
STORY
The
police in the city fire their guns or blow their whistles to announce
their presence, allowing criminals to escape.
People
blow their noses loudly even at dinner or during a speech and the
handkerchief is put back into the pocket to be used again at a later
time. This is not regarded as rude.
WHAT
THE CORONER SAID
One
does not always eat what is on the table.
BIG
LIES FROM GRASSY
Grassy
told me once that when he was a child in the Pacific Northwest,
a fruit tree grew from the head of a deer shot with fruit pits.
CWMS/CRWTHS*
My
little sister likes to explore cwms just like a boy. My older
brother
likes to play crwths just like a girl. Sometimes I explore cwms and
other
times I play crwths.
*"Cwms"
are mountain basins. "Crwths" are Celtic stringed instruments. They're
both real words.
