If you ever jump out of a plane, and your parachute doesn't open,
don't worry. Worry won't get you anywhere.
D&D Dumb and dumber
ISO I smell Oreos
NS Nude smoker
S/M Sea monster
LTR Learning to read
My landlord was bothering me about the rent. He said he was coming
over. As he rang the doorbell, thousands upon thousands of black
flies carrying elves flew out and settled upon him. He hit at the
flies and tried to kill them, but the flies flew in great waves
around him. Finally he turned and left. My landlord later told me
he thought I was crazy, but then, he had some growing up to do.
The Odd Neighbor
Basically, there are three ways my neighbor and I are alike. The
first is we both like to repeat what other people say. The second
is we both like seeds a lot. The third is a beak.
If you were a space alien, you know what would be the one thing
that would really make you mad? Cookbooks written in French. How
the heck are you supposed to read them?
Personal Fashion Mistakes
1. Feather earring (1978)
2. Beret (1979)
3. Paper shirt (1981)
4. Green suede "Robin Hood" boots (1983)
5. Really skinny black belt (1985)
6. "Dress" black leather jacket (1989)
7. Stovepipe jeans (1990)
8. Flattop (1993)
9. Goatee (1997)
10. Feather earring (2000)
Like sand in an hourglass, the loose granular material ran into
of the coffeemaker-shaped timepiece.
Newborn opossums are as small and pink as jellybeans. That is what
I tell myself when I eat them.
My Favorite Fable
Of all the fables, I think my favorite is the one about the boy
and the wolfman.
I wonder if leprechauns believe in Santa Claus.
Don't ever get your bathroom scale mixed up with your watch, like
I once did, because the afternoon can really drag.
X-ray of Peach in Dish
If you invented the x-ray machine, would your first x-ray be of
a peach in a dish? I mean, what were those guys thinking?!
I wish I had been around when they had thousands of "feathered soldiers"--the
homing pigeons--in the army. That way, when somebody asked me if
I knew where the old soldiers' home was, I'd say, "The old feathered
soldiers' home?" It'd be fun to confuse the two all the time.
Bringing the News
I thought the old man was asleep when I reached his cabin in the
woods with the letter, but it turned out that what I had taken for
the old man was just a half-opened cardboard box which contained
some styrofoam peanuts and a color TV.
The Tiny People
Can you imagine a race of people who aren't any taller than four
and a half feet? Nobody can.
The World's Greatest Writer
I've been called the world's greatest writer. But it's not a label
I agree with. I say simply: "I am the greatest. That's all I've
ever tried to be."
The best way to avoid wordiness in your writing is to write and
write and write.
Another Writing Tip
You can say more--a lot more--by using fewer words.
WHEN YOU WRITE E-MAIL, TRY NOT TO USE ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, BECAUSE
THAT REALLY ANNOYS ME.
Days & Months
Did you know it was a dyslexic person who gave the seven months
and twelve days their names?
When I was a boy, I used to dream about a furry monster who would
grow taller and taller every night and then, just as it was about
to eat me, would jump over the fence. That fence terrified me.
What exactly is greed, and where can I get more of it?
When I visit my uncle, he greets me with a brisk whinny and nuzzles
my jacket pocket to see if I've brought him his favorite treat,
a crunchy red apple. If I don't have one, he gets real mad. I don't
know why he acts this way.
Somebody was telling me how boxing matches were dangerous, but I
went to one on Saturday night and didn't get hurt.
Meditation is about more than sitting at home in a dirty diaper.
Question: Does the old man symbolize the world of miracles we wish
for but are unable to accept when they happen, or is he just a filthy