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Exquisite Corpse
Issue 8A Journal of Letters and Life

Dear Oval Office Diary
by Jon O. Smith
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The following was transcribed verbatim from several handwritten pages that arrived recently at the home of an EC staff member. The pages had been removed from the "Notes" section of a personal planner and the envelope bore a Washington, DC postmark. The pages themselves are neither signed nor dated but consist of random musings seemingly jotted down at intervals over the course of a single day. A separate letter -- signed "A mole" -- stated that the enclosed pages were written by a "very highly placed government official" referred to only as "W."

Dear Me,

How are you doing me? MR. PRESIDENT! HA! Boy at times there I wasn't so sure I'd hear other than advisors say that. Me like the sound!
      The old oval room. It is very humbling indeed. Feels very momentous right now. Well the old man gave me this brand new Dr. Franklin Covey day planner and said I should keep a diary in it like he did. Helped him keep his facts straight. I suppose that's a good thing so OK. For posterity too I suppose. Love that leather smell. So stately.
      Took me awhile to see it but Bubba left this big box of cigars right smack in the middle of the desk! NO THANKS YOU SOB!!! And there is all these jumbo packs of napkins in the big file drawer too. What the hell is that about? Bet there's a minifridge here somewhere.
      There is channels for some of the other rooms on the TV! I can watch what's happening in Lincoln's room if I wanted and some others -- even the staff john! JFC!!! Have to ask the old man about that. No -- that's got to be new!
      These cigars seem fine. Had just one of the Heinekins in the fridge too. One is not going to kill me and it's time to celebrate anyhow. I have $20 with Vice President Cheney that I find some Playboys or something stashed somewhere around but he says they would of cleared all that kind of thing out when they sweeped the place. But I say there must be nooks here and there where only the President knows. It might be like up to each new President to find them. The old man won't even tell me if that's the case. Gets him off the OB. Still it's tradition.
      Made them give me a new phone cause the other one smelled like ass. Not putting nothing past that SOB! And they said they'd find me a red one if I wanted. YEAH! It's not necessary but it's fun. I want to be remembered as a President who is fun.
      This is a two Heinekin kind of day. Accidently got a gander at Karen H. in the john. BOXERS! --Laura was right. One thing is for certain though K. Hughes is always to be trusted for her descreetness. God I hope so.
      The twins saw the Heinekin bottle and smelt my breath. I told them it was just a near-beer and I don't think they know that Heinekin doesn't make a near-beer. Or maybe it does? Must find out before they mention anything to Laura. Hell I can just call the dam FBI -- ON THE RED PHONE!
      Some guys -- from the FBI I guess -- just swooped in here and stocked the minifridge full of O'DOUL'S! That is -- Heinekin BOTTLES with O'DOUL'S LABELS ON THEM! Plausible deniability -- like they keep telling me. Laura came in and I just sat and drank one right in front of her. HA! She said I should get rid of my phone and I told her she could do what she wanted whenever SHE became President. She always backs down when I tell her how it is.
      Lord! -- Carter just sent me a book about Truman and a inscription: "Though many doubted him, Truman succeeded only because he held the will and wisdom of the American people in his highest regard. May God bless and guide you." I just know it's some inside jab about the election somehow. All I know about Truman is he knew when to hold 'em and when to nuke 'em all right! May have been a Democrat but I can't argue with that logic! Old "Mad As Hell Harry The Hatter" -- the Good Lord sure don't make Democrats like that no more! Less mercury from the modern hats I suppose. Oh well -- another stupid autograph another priceless gift to charity. Charity is very important. Or maybe this is the kind of thing that should end up in the libary? I'll ask Andy.
      Dr. Covey has printed little sayings in his fine planner here some of which I find very true. Ones goes: "When life hands you lemons, buy stock in lemons." I think that definitely bears rewriting down again.
      Paula Joneses Penthouse stuck in some briefing book! Knew it! Vice President Cheney's going to have another coranary for sure if I show him that! HA! Jesus what a sick bastard! I mean if you think about it I suppose it could be a joke but it's still a really really sick one. It is disturbing sick. Sick smart fuck sick. I'm not kidding any way you slice it the American people had a real perv for a President! You can't make this kind of thing up but they do it anyhow! Sick Oxford fuck! Damn! And I tell you that nose job just does nothing to fix none of that whore's other problems!
      God I am really concerned about these cigars now. Smells only like cigars but can I tell for sure? Don't want to keep smelling at them neither. You know I think these really are O'Doul's too. I am just feeling rather bloated at this point.
      Should I be worried about AIDS? Maybe I might need the antidote right away? Would K. know?
      Karen came by and picked up the cigars. She's going to have the phone tested too. Told me not to worry. Damn TV still had the staff john on it and K. noticed. She said "Thats useful" but I don't think she suspected anything. But I can't always read her. Shared a good long laugh over the Penthouse.
      Phoned Vice President Cheney to tell him he owed me $20. I could tell he was creeped. BIG TIME! HA! Dared him to tell Lynne to put THAT in her next satiricle novel! He said that would be very humerous indeed.
      Just hitting my stride! I called the kitchen to order up a roast beef sandwich and I was watching the guy on the TV as he was making it so I called him up again and said "Hey! Calm down on the mayo there mister! This sandwich isn't for Vice President Cheney!" Guy looked like someone goosed him with a wet noodle! I called Andy to tell him about it but everybody was in some meeting together. See -- My Administration's about keeping it fun and light-hearted after America going through such a long nightmarish period of Constitutional crisis. There was something in here Dr. Covey said like that that I think was very apropo that I circled.
      Nodded off for a time. Very strange dream. Me, Trent Lott, Justice Scalia and Chad Everett from TV's Medical Center were all standing around in these big flowing black robes. Justice Scalia's robe -- which was now an intensely radiant white and made of a terrycloth material -- parted slightly in front as he held out his gavel to me. Then in a booming New Jersey-accent that made my fillings quiver he said: "Take this gavel George! Use it only as we instruct ye and ye shall never want!" I said thank you kindly and then Vice President Cheney spoon-fed an entire jar of mayonnaise to me to the cacophonific applause of the New York Stock Exchange. Dick Armey kissed Barney Frank on the mouth and then everyone and everything was drowned in the blood. Probably shouldn't of written this one down.
      Got the call from the old man. Hip is still bothering him so he took a couple Percadans and probably a couple of scotches on top of that. Just wanted to know if the reality has sunk in yet and say how proud he is again. Yeah like I'd have to land on Mars too or something. I asked him about the peep TV and he said he wasn't sure if that was there before or not but he never knew how to work any of that high tech stuff anyway -- though Mom may have been listening. He said I should hang it on Bubba anyhow. Not going to argue with his political wisdom but I think it might be neat to keep long as I don't use it for anything perverted. I told him about the Penthouse and cigars and he thought I did the right thing by calling K. He thought there might be pot or crack in those cigars too but I didn't want to say that I really didn't think so. He started exercising on Bubba again but I told him to put Mom on and we soon all said goodnight.
      Laura wanted me to look at swatches again but dammit that is not what I wanted to do tonight! Just pick something with red with blue and then white in it FCS! I know I promised her that I'd start caring more about those kinds of things but I told her I was keeping a Presidential diary now and wanted to spend a little time reflecting deeper upon my first day as a President. She said I better let the people who are already paid to do that do that and stormed out. She probably suspects something about the O'Doul's and all but it's not like I was putting anything over on her anyhow. Like that makes a difference.
      Those Penthouse Forum letters have got to be made up! Whizzy cheese? Lordy! Laura wouldn't do that if I dipped it in the damn fondue pot! Sure are lots of sicko weirdo nut-twists out there across this nation! Which reminds me to remember to put an extra Secret Service detail on the twins. Jesus - I best see if I can track them on the TV right now.
      I tell you the whole world is crazy! Media is going to be questioning those damn dimples for frickin ever! Who cares who got more votes down there? Ele