following was transcribed verbatim from several handwritten pages
that arrived recently at the home of an EC staff member. The pages
had been removed from the "Notes" section of a personal
planner and the envelope bore a Washington, DC postmark. The pages
themselves are neither signed nor dated but consist of random musings
seemingly jotted down at intervals over the course of a single day.
A separate letter -- signed "A mole" -- stated that the
enclosed pages were written by a "very highly placed government
official" referred to only as "W."
How are you doing me? MR. PRESIDENT! HA! Boy at times there I wasn't
so sure I'd hear other than advisors say that. Me like the
The old oval room. It is very humbling
indeed. Feels very momentous right now. Well the old man
gave me this brand new Dr. Franklin Covey day planner and said I
should keep a diary in it like he did. Helped him keep his facts
straight. I suppose that's a good thing so OK. For posterity too
I suppose. Love that leather smell. So stately.
Took me awhile to see it but Bubba
left this big box of cigars right smack in the middle of the desk!
NO THANKS YOU SOB!!! And there is all these jumbo packs of
napkins in the big file drawer too. What the hell is that about?
Bet there's a minifridge here somewhere.
There is channels for some of the
other rooms on the TV! I can watch what's happening in Lincoln's
room if I wanted and some others -- even the staff john! JFC!!!
Have to ask the old man about that. No -- that's got to be
These cigars seem fine. Had just
one of the Heinekins in the fridge too. One is not going to kill
me and it's time to celebrate anyhow. I have $20 with Vice President
Cheney that I find some Playboys or something stashed somewhere
around but he says they would of cleared all that kind of thing
out when they sweeped the place. But I say there must be nooks here
and there where only the President knows. It might be like up to
each new President to find them. The old man won't even tell me
if that's the case. Gets him off the OB. Still it's tradition.
Made them give me a new phone cause
the other one smelled like ass. Not putting nothing past that SOB!
And they said they'd find me a red one if I wanted. YEAH!
It's not necessary but it's fun. I want to be remembered as a President
who is fun.
This is a two Heinekin kind of day.
Accidently got a gander at Karen H. in the john. BOXERS! --Laura
was right. One thing is for certain though K. Hughes is always to
be trusted for her descreetness. God I hope so.
The twins saw the Heinekin bottle
and smelt my breath. I told them it was just a near-beer and I don't
think they know that Heinekin doesn't make a near-beer. Or maybe
it does? Must find out before they mention anything to Laura. Hell
I can just call the dam FBI -- ON THE RED PHONE!
Some guys -- from the FBI I guess
-- just swooped in here and stocked the minifridge full of O'DOUL'S!
That is -- Heinekin BOTTLES with O'DOUL'S LABELS ON THEM!
Plausible deniability -- like they keep telling me. Laura came in
and I just sat and drank one right in front of her. HA! She said
I should get rid of my phone and I told her she could do what she
wanted whenever SHE became President. She always backs down when
I tell her how it is.
Lord! -- Carter just sent me a book
about Truman and a inscription: "Though many doubted him, Truman
succeeded only because he held the will and wisdom of the American
people in his highest regard. May God bless and guide you."
I just know it's some inside jab about the election somehow. All
I know about Truman is he knew when to hold 'em and when to nuke
'em all right! May have been a Democrat but I can't argue with that
logic! Old "Mad As Hell Harry The Hatter" -- the Good
Lord sure don't make Democrats like that no more! Less mercury
from the modern hats I suppose. Oh well -- another stupid autograph
another priceless gift to charity. Charity is very important.
Or maybe this is the kind of thing that should end up in the libary?
I'll ask Andy.
Dr. Covey has printed little sayings
in his fine planner here some of which I find very true. Ones goes:
"When life hands you lemons, buy stock in lemons." I think
that definitely bears rewriting down again.
Paula Joneses Penthouse stuck
in some briefing book! Knew it! Vice President Cheney's going to
have another coranary for sure if I show him that! HA! Jesus what
a sick bastard! I mean if you think about it I suppose it could
be a joke but it's still a really really sick one. It is
disturbing sick. Sick smart fuck sick. I'm not kidding any way you
slice it the American people had a real perv for a President! You
can't make this kind of thing up but they do it anyhow! Sick Oxford
fuck! Damn! And I tell you that nose job just does nothing to fix
none of that whore's other problems!
God I am really concerned
about these cigars now. Smells only like cigars but can I tell for
sure? Don't want to keep smelling at them neither. You know I think
these really are O'Doul's too. I am just feeling rather bloated
at this point.
Should I be worried about AIDS? Maybe
I might need the antidote right away? Would K. know?
Karen came by and picked up the cigars.
She's going to have the phone tested too. Told me not to worry.
Damn TV still had the staff john on it and K. noticed. She said
"Thats useful" but I don't think she suspected anything.
But I can't always read her. Shared a good long laugh over the Penthouse.
Phoned Vice President Cheney to tell
him he owed me $20. I could tell he was creeped. BIG TIME! HA!
Dared him to tell Lynne to put THAT in her next satiricle novel!
He said that would be very humerous indeed.
Just hitting my stride! I called
the kitchen to order up a roast beef sandwich and I was watching
the guy on the TV as he was making it so I called him up again and
said "Hey! Calm down on the mayo there mister! This sandwich
isn't for Vice President Cheney!" Guy looked like someone goosed
him with a wet noodle! I called Andy to tell him about it but everybody
was in some meeting together. See -- My Administration's about keeping
it fun and light-hearted after America going through such a long
nightmarish period of Constitutional crisis. There was something
in here Dr. Covey said like that that I think was very apropo that
Nodded off for a time. Very strange
dream. Me, Trent Lott, Justice Scalia and Chad Everett from TV's
Medical Center were all standing around in these big flowing black
robes. Justice Scalia's robe -- which was now an intensely radiant
white and made of a terrycloth material -- parted slightly in front
as he held out his gavel to me. Then in a booming New Jersey-accent
that made my fillings quiver he said: "Take this gavel George!
Use it only as we instruct ye and ye shall never want!" I said
thank you kindly and then Vice President Cheney spoon-fed an entire
jar of mayonnaise to me to the cacophonific applause of the New
York Stock Exchange. Dick Armey kissed Barney Frank on the mouth
and then everyone and everything was drowned in the blood. Probably
shouldn't of written this one down.
Got the call from the old man. Hip
is still bothering him so he took a couple Percadans and probably
a couple of scotches on top of that. Just wanted to know if the
reality has sunk in yet and say how proud he is again. Yeah like
I'd have to land on Mars too or something. I asked him about the
peep TV and he said he wasn't sure if that was there before or not
but he never knew how to work any of that high tech stuff anyway
-- though Mom may have been listening. He said I should hang it
on Bubba anyhow. Not going to argue with his political wisdom but
I think it might be neat to keep long as I don't use it for anything
perverted. I told him about the Penthouse and cigars and he thought
I did the right thing by calling K. He thought there might be pot
or crack in those cigars too but I didn't want to say that I really
didn't think so. He started exercising on Bubba again but I told
him to put Mom on and we soon all said goodnight.
Laura wanted me to look at swatches
again but dammit that is not what I wanted to do tonight! Just pick
something with red with blue and then white in it FCS! I know I
promised her that I'd start caring more about those kinds of things
but I told her I was keeping a Presidential diary now and wanted
to spend a little time reflecting deeper upon my first day as a
President. She said I better let the people who are already paid
to do that do that and stormed out. She probably suspects something
about the O'Doul's and all but it's not like I was putting anything
over on her anyhow. Like that makes a difference.
Those Penthouse Forum letters
have got to be made up! Whizzy cheese? Lordy! Laura wouldn't
do that if I dipped it in the damn fondue pot! Sure are lots of
sicko weirdo nut-twists out there across this nation! Which reminds
me to remember to put an extra Secret Service detail on the twins.
Jesus - I best see if I can track them on the TV right now.
I tell you the whole world is crazy!
Media is going to be questioning those damn dimples for frickin
ever! Who cares who got more votes down there? Ele