Elvis by C.A. Conrad |
if
I stand still long enough I would be a place
Who
comes to Graceland?
ME: Is it true Benjamin Franklin is a distant relative of Elvis Presley? BFS: Eh--did you say Elvis Presley? (smiles) ME: Yes. BFS: (laughs) No. ME: How about the theory that Elvis Presley was the reincarnation of Benjamin Franklin? BFS: What? Whose theory? ME: Mine. BFS: (frowning) Is this some kind of joke? ME: No, not at all, in fact, didn't Ben --- may I call him Ben? BFS: I suppose so, it's not MY name, no need to ask ME for permission! ME: Didn't Ben record a dream he had where he scrawled the mysterious word ELVIS? Wasn't he puzzled about this Elvis word? BFS: That's nonsense, no such thing ever happened! ME: Did Ben have any strange eating habits? Like fried peanut butter banana sandwiches for instance? BFS: I'm not going to answer that! ME: Because it might be true? BFS: Because your question is absurd! ME: Isn't it true that Franklin had a very serious addiction to prescription drugs? BFS: They didn't have Thrift Drugstores in 18th century America! ME: Maybe when he was in France? BFS: All right! I've heard enough! ME: Is there a conspiracy to withhold information connecting Benjamin Franklin to Elvis Presley!? BFS: Young man, whatever you wish. I insist you withhold my name from this project of yours though! I want nothing to do with your --- your Elvis thing!
EXAMPLES: QUESTION: Elvis, can you hear me through the sheath of sonic jet fuel mist? ANSWER:
(page 113) Elvis began calling me almost immediately, and we'd talk for hours. QUESTION: Elvis, should I let Norberto cook me his famous marijuana burrito? ANSWER:
(page 106) I was in such a state of ecstasy that I didn't notice what I
was drinking: four double screwdrivers, all drunk through a straw. QUESTION: Elvis, is Norberto more in love with his wife than he is with me? ANSWER:
(page 168) I wanted to believe him, but I couldn't help noticing the national
gossip magazines and the headlines about the torrid affair on the set of
Viva Las Vegas. QUESTION: Elvis, Norberto says I'm too weird to go out in public with him. What do you feel? ANSWER: (page 212) Night after night he kept his makeup and the turban on all through dinner and up until bedtime. QUESTION: Elvis, if I surrender into my tenderness for good how would I survive the World? ANSWER: (page 215) He was convinced, and nearly had us convinced, that there were energy waves so powerful they caused the stars to glide through the universe. QUESTION: Elvis, I'm tired of Norberto spitting overhead and catching it again in his mouth. Actually, Elvis, I'm tired of this relationship altogether, what the hell do I do? ANSWER: (page 162) Wearing his football helmet and his big furry Eskimo coat, Elvis proceeded, as his entourage cheered him on, to bring down the house and set it afire. QUESTION: Elvis, am I ready to give up my Elizabeth-Taylor-chocolate-dipped-french-fry lifestyle? ANSWER: (page 286) Elvis was never much of a letter writer, but he now wrote President Nixon a letter explaining how he could assist the youth of today in getting off drugs. QUESTION: Elvis, how do I explain the footprints on the refrigerator door to my landlord? ANSWER: (page 216) "Do you see them?" said Elvis, looking intently at the course. "See what?" I asked, ready to hear anything. "The angels, out there." QUESTION: Elvis, why did you die when you did? ANSWER: (page 210) It was this kind of higher state of consciousness that Elvis was hoping to achieve. QUESTION: Elvis, I've had many dreams of you, but I'm confused by the messages. ANSWER: (page 204) He asked Larry why, out of all the people in the universe, he had been chosen to influence so many millions of souls. QUESTION: Elvis, how am I doing writing advanced ELVIS course? ANSWER: (page 89) I'd never played blackjack before, but after a few hands, Elvis thought I had the hang of it. |
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