Cellular envy?
Multi-tasking in your blood?
Dying to make everyday a 24 hour work day?
The Medulla is what you need.
The Medulla:
The next leap in digital technology,
combining the urgency of a digital phone,
the efficiency of a PC
and the unpredictability of the human being.
The Medulla streamlines your work and assumes your personal life
so you can spend your time planning more
work work work!
That's what's so infectious about the Medulla!
It enables you to see all of the
work you could be doing
Grocery shopping, clipping your nails, walking the dog, reading
to your kids, taking a shower, blowing your nose. It's all work!
That's not all.
Because the Medulla becomes an extension of yourself,
when you die,
your family no longer needs to go through the tedious
grieving process.
Who has time for that?
No, with the Medulla it's like you never left.
Just set it up in whatever room the family's in
(stand provided)
and it keeps working even when you're not.
Through secret technology, the Medulla takes on your pattern of breathing
within the first 48 hours in your possession.
It mimics your speech in the first week
and memorizes your mannerisms daily.
Through storing the familiar phrases and expressions that you use,
your family will be able to hear your voice and feel your presence even as
your body rapidly decays.
Just because you're dead, it doesn't mean that you can't stop making money!
The Medulla will continue to run your business, manage your stock portfolio,
balance your checkbook, and heck, even tuck in your kids,
even after you're dead!
We know what you're thinking.
No, seriously, we know what you're thinking.
Through this TV channel, you are telepathically linked to our satellite.
We can read your thoughts and personally construct a Medulla just for you
(Certain colors unavailable. Sales tax applies in several states)
How much would you pay for something like this?
Before you answer, just remember that if you don't get it, someone else will!
Not to mention that you won't be able to take advantage of all of the amazing
things the Medulla allows you to take for granted.
The revolution of planets, a sudden rainstorm, cumuli nimbus clouds, an apology.
Once you've gone digital, the Medulla becomes your heart and soul,
knowing exactly when to care and when not to about a variety of mundane everyday
things.
Don't take our word for it. Just ask The Anderson's:
Little Billy, what do you think?
It sings me lullabies.
Mr. Anderson?
My family likes spending time with the Medulla more than with me which is
great.
Now I can do what I want to do.
The Mrs.?
You know, I hate to admit it, but it's true, the Medulla gives better head
than my husband ever did.
Ewww! Mom!
Well, it's true.
Another satisfied family!
If you buy now, we'll throw in the Millennium TV adapter.
With this state of the art entertainment control, you can turn any real life
situation into your favorite TV sitcom or drama!
Dinner with the fam just not doing it for you?
One push of a button and you've got a rollicking episode of Full House at
your own kitchen table!
That date not what you expected?
Program your millennium TV adapter to change the scene to a raunchy episode
of Melrose.
We can see that some of you don't like either one of the shows mentioned.
No matter, the memory chip inside the TV adapter holds over 4,000 episodes
of hundreds of TV shows now in syndication:
Green Acres What's Happening? ER Adam 12 Goodtimes Will and Grace Little House
on the Prairie, Dawson's Creek Emergency The Cosby Show SWAT Three's Company
MASH The Love Boat Star Blazers Party of Five Diff'rent Strokes to mention
only a few.
All of your favorites at the push of a button!
What could be better?
Except for mixing and matching characters from different shows
and this capability is yours for an additional one time only price of leasing
your rooftop for 24 hour advertising space.
You choose the product that best represents your family
and then shout it out to the rest of your neighborhood on a High Definition
video display the size of your roof!
You don't even have to buy now.
Since you are tuned into this channel, we are able to identify you
and where you live
and are sending a Medulla out to you now as I speak.
Simply use it for 30 days and if you are not fully satisfied, leave it on
your front door step. It will find its way back to us.
The Medulla.
It wants you.
