Inventions
Morning
6:30 Disruptive coloration.
Putting myself on administrative leave.
Continuity foam.
Industrial vacuum seals.
7:00 Thermoplastic disconnect switches.
Cutting oils.
Hydraulic current breakers.
Float switch.
High-intensity centrifugal spotlight switches.
7:30 Blast resisters.
The hydraulic padlock.
The compression chamber.
Sugar tankers.
Beef beds.
Sour metal.
8:00 Invisiglass.
The atomic slide rule.
Texas hairspray.
Butterducks.
8:30 Babycakes.
Radium dyes.
Historical blind spots.
Circle Pines.
Swimming.
The robot from "Lost in Space."
8:45 The apocalyptic Hugh Beaumont.
Chow Yun-Fat.
9:00 Pepper gum.
Ground zero.
Rubber underwear.
Prices subject to whim.
9:30 Bumper pool.
Bumper stickers.
Burning yourself with a curling iron.
Urinary tract infections.
Cranberry juice.
10:00 The larch.
Bulletproof monks.
Oof.
Air guitar.
10:30 Personal computer.
Personal digital assistant.
The cell phone.
Inflatable speakers.
11:00 Satan's Toothbrush.
Night binoculars.
The subway.
The escalator.
The weed whacker.
The elevator.
11:30 MP3.
Fluffernutter.
String cheese.
Snowdomes.
Fish sticks.
Afternoon
12:00 Olestra.
The dick-sucking machine.
Evil legs.
Evil arms.
12:30 Evil ears.
Evil eyes.
Evil hands.
Evil jumper.
Evil wristwatch.
Evil trousers.
1:00 Evil sunglasses.
Evil photocopier.
Evil mountain bike.
Evil swimming pool.
Evil woman who works at swimming pool.
Evil swimming trunks.
Evil water wings.
1:30 Evil children.
Evil shower.
Evil can of 7-Up.
Evil walk home.
Evil mother.
1:45 Evil French fries.
Evil TV.
2:00 Evil cocoa.
Evil bed.
Evil dreams.
Evil awakening.
2:30 Evil breakfast.
Evil coffee cup.
Evil school.
Evil math.
Evil math teacher.
Evil machete.
Evil bits of evil math teacher.
3:00 Electronic Lucky Light.
Daylight.
Lamplight.
Moonlight.
Starlight.
3:30 Headlight.
Traffic light.
Torch light.
Firelight.
Candlelight.
4:00 Disco light.
Landing light.
Safety light.
Searchlight.
4:30 Streetlight.
Neon light.
Nightlight.
Light-emitting spaghetti.
Sports highlights.
Marlboro Lights.
5:00 Cool Whip.
Sorbitan monostearate.
Polysorbate 60.
Xanthum gum.
5:30 Spam.
Wonder Bread.
Peach Jell-O.
Tater Tots.
Twinkies.
Hamburger Helper.
6:00 Aerosol cheese.
Muzak.
Monster trucks.
Maraschino cherries.
Artificial Christmas trees.
7:00 Platform shoes.
Platform diving.
Evening
7:30 Marble.
Crystals.
Silk.
Bells.
Bamboo trees.
8:00 Knossos.
Cintra.
Kamakura.
Cozumel.
The California Palace of the Legion of Honor.
Bebe Rebozo's place in Florida.
8:45 Fur.
Amber.
Incense.
9:00 Gin.
Dope.
Baccarat crystal.
Extension cord.
Butt plug.
Eddie Money.
Johnny Cash.
Alice Tully Hall.
Annie Hall.
Murray Hill.
9:15 High Sign.
Spear-It Knife.
Trapezy Ribbon.
The Rattle Box.
9:30 Chapeauagraphy.
Melto Ring.
Sucker Chinese Paper Tear.
The Scotch Purse.
Crystal Fire Bowl.
10:00 French Paddles.
Technicolor Thimbles.
Glorious Beer.
The Crawler.
10:30 Nest of Alarm Clocks.
Popsy Pigs.
Spotted Milk.
Eerie Ribbons.
Improved Proxy Substitution Chest.
The Appealing Orange Box.
11:00 Mental Epic.
The Goofus Planet (Deluxe).
Invisible Bovine.
Rubber Canaries.
Flash.
11:30 The New York Yacht Club.
The Century Country Club.
The Harvard Club.
The Century Association.
The Brook Club.
12:00 San Pellegrino.
Havre De Grace.
Creve Coeur.
Shoelaces.
The Obedience Ranch.
Justifiable paranoia.
Alone in my laboratory one day I was resting. Outside, a leaden sky, livid
and sinister; a horror! I was feeling mournful without knowing why; almost
afraid, though for no apparent reason. What do books say? You cannot live a
minute longer without oxygen. You are being held underwater by the
Industrial Revolution. You leave for China the next day, hoping to find the
notebooks of Louis Braille. Not necessary.
Tragedy
There's nothing grimmer than the tragedy that wears a comic mask, especially
if it's a Beavis mask.
Pepper Factory
I bet if you get a job working in a pepper factory, pretending to sneeze
gets old real fast.
The Blind Man
It's easy to laugh at a blind man's outfit. But also, check out that shave!
Everyday Hazards
Estimated number of injuries requiring hospital visits in 2002, in thousands, from accidents by selected causes.
Air guitar 1,088
Nails, screws, tacks and bolts 179.8
Ramps and landings 12.8
Books, magazines, and CDs 10.7
Pillows 5.0
Crayons and chalk 3.5
Christmas decorations 3.3
Vending machines 2.9
Hammocks 2.5
Patron Saints
Patron saint of radium dyes: Clare of Assisi
Patron saint of historical blind spots: Polycarp
Patron saint of sports highlights: Joseph
Patron saint of urinary tract infections: Drogo
Patron saint of light-emitting spaghetti: Nicholas
A Bedtime Story
Dear Diary,
My life is a mess and it's so like a bad life. I really don't like Jordan Rochester and other people who don't like me (f*** them) and Jordan Rochester always talks about me and I don't like it. And I'm going to talk about her very soon. It's hard to get Jordan Rochester to understand me and first of all I didn't tattletell on her and I never annoy her and I didn't
do anything to her and I will tell anyone I want. She can't tell me what to do. She hates me and I will hate her and my life is very bad. I want to move to Spain and I feel like crying every minute and nobody cares and I hate this school and I hate the other kids because they don't care about me sometimes. And Jordan Rochester is always mean to me for no
f***ing reason and I think she is sensitive. My only friends are Bernice, Martine, KK, Neifa, Elena, Natalie, Delana, Christine in 621, Jennifer (621), Patricia, Brittany McDonald (621), John Paul's sister, Natalia (621), Ricki (632), Sasha, Kathia, Marsha, Sasha's cousin, Brittany's (621) brother, Brain, I mean Brian, Andrea, Mario, Cassandra, Erica, Mary (813), Oliver Aaron Samuel, Chris, Frank, Peter, Leon, Bianca (Bia) in Spain,
Christopher, Flori in Spain, and a lot more.
Sincerely,
Diana
Dear Jordan Rochester,
I'm really really really sorry for the rumors and being with the attitude at gym and tattletelling and I'm sorry with my whole heart. And also you should not be talking behind my back and cause I don't like that and you wouldn't like it. I'm so sorry if I annoy you or something. I'm sorry if I got you mad and bother you. I'm sorry for everything bad and please forgive me for everything. I really want to be your friend and a good one please. I'm sorry and can I ask you a question: "Is Nina not my friend because of you?
Sincerely,
Diana
PS: Please write back.
The Doll
Dedicated to Mom and Bianca (Bia)
One day in the city that never sleeps, Diana, Scott (her brother), their mom, dad, and day tutor were sitting by the fire when the phone rang. "Hello?" Diana said. "Hey, Diana," Nina said, "Did you hear on the news the old Rochester house is on fire?" "Oh, my God! It is? Okay, I'm coming over!" After getting off the phone with Nina, Diana ran out the door and all the way to Nina's house. They went to the Rochester house together. When they got there the fire was coming out the windows and every way you can think of in your mind. At about 6:37 PM in the evening they left but just before Diana walked out of range of the fire she saw the faint figure of a devil in the smoke from the fire. When Diana got home she hopped into bed and then shut off the light. About five minutes after shutting off the light she drifted into a deep deep sleep. She dreamed about her father going away and dying in a plane crash. Before she finished her dream her mom woke her up for school.
