Letterwriting Assignment 1

Tell Somebody Something You've Always Wanted to Tell Them

Dear Karen Carpenter,

I saw you on the street yesterday. You're looking a little porky.

Sincerely,

Mike Topp



The Truth

I need to have these little plastic animals around me because I often feel
lonely.



Local Bars

The Cock is at Avenue A and 12th St. If you have trouble finding it, look on the
north side of 12th St. between Avenues A and B--on one of the top floors you
should see a blue neon sign that reads "Anus." If you can see that sign, The
Cock is nearby.



The World Famous Bob

Tonight I found out about the world famous Bob. Bob is a blond buxom "female
female impersonator" who mixes and pours a martini using her breasts. The
significance of this fluid action--something I had never seen in my life--was
mountainous. For several minutes, I felt I was more than one person.



A Note on the Pronunciation

Bee: * * * * : :
? ? * * * ??
! ! 0 * * 0 ??
! 0 * ? ! # C !



Father Padre

"Try this religion."
"It is the biggest."



Satan

The adversary of God and lord of evil in some religions. Often depicted as a
plump white-bearded old man who delivers presents to good children.



Tsunami

The tsunami isn't going to spoil our vacation.



What Happens When You're Asleep

Two strangers drop in and have sex with you.

Myths About Shakespeare's Life

Most of the myths about Shakespeare’s life have been disproved, and the rest do not have a shred of evidence to support them. Yet the myths continue. A good number of them concern the Lost Years (????-????), a period for which no documented evidence about Shakespeare exists.

1. He found a giant performing mouse dead in its cage. Not long after Shakespeare’s death, an obscure clergyman, Richard Davies, noted that Shakespeare was "much given to unluckiness… [with] venison and rabbits."
2. He wrote his name in spit ("Bill") on each page. Half a century after Shakespeare’s death, John Aubrey reported this as fact in his Brief Lives.
3. As a young man, Shakespeare and his companions set out to the neighboring town of Piddle to compete in a drinking competition. After being soundly defeated, Shakespeare fell asleep under a farm animal along the road. (This beast, later known as Shakespeare’s Ass, became a tourist attraction and was torn to bits in 1616.)
4. During the Lost Years he used feathers to write poems about laughing and sneezing.
5. During the Lost Years he worked as a cheese crier at Renaissance fairs.
6. During the Lost Years he was a dental technician in the office of a prosperous country orthodontist.
7. During the Lost Years he videotaped every episode of "Baywatch."
8. He helped write Mr. Boston’s Official Bartender’s and Party Guide, and if you look at the recipe for The Tempest and count fifty-one words from the beginning you arrive at the word "shake." Then if you count fifty-one words from the end (excluding the words "cocktail sausage") you arrive at the word "spear."
9. When he arrived in London, he had his intestines taken out of his body and made to look like flowers.
10. He was born in France and fled to England to avoid persecution at age 24. There he changed his name from Super Nana (French for "Fabulous Babe") to Shakespeare.

Metropolitan Diary
by Bobby Kelly & Mike Topp


Fountain of Youth

I was sitting on the number 7 crosstown bus when the older gentleman in front of me began to vibrate. I knew what that meant, but before I could get out of the way, sure enough, he exploded. Bits of flesh flew everywhere and the blood ruined the bag of feces I was carrying (a memento of my nephew's first communion). I looked across the aisle at a stylish twenty-something blonde who had chunks of organ meat all over her obviously expensive dress. "Old people!" she laughed, as she twisted her body to spray me with a stream of warm urine.


Out of the Mouths of Babes

Belle Moskowitz, a woman of a certain age, and her great-granddaughter Emma were playing one of their usual games, "Eat Grandma," when things went too far. "She had her mouth on my clit like a pitbull clamped onto a drug dealer's balls," reports Belle. "I was bleeding like a virgin on a date with Ted Bundy. I finally realized I'd have to hack her head off with Moishe's meat cleaver to make her let go. Just as I was about to bring the blade crashing down, Moishe screamed, "Stop, that's a fish knife!"


Family Affair

As per usual on a Sunday evening, I was fellating my father-in-law. Just as I was running my tongue in little circles on the underside of the head and had him squirming and ready to pop, my wife walked in. "Oh, you men with your sports," she clucked, ducking to miss an arcing stream of cum.

Image by Ronnie Burk